The Month of October 2007

She's looking good during September until the start of October. Gradually, her state deteriorated. Every morning when I wake up, I go to her room, check on her like my other siblings do. Despite the oxygen, she started having a difficult time to breathe. We prepared a steam with Vicks to inhale from, it's helping a bit. Fluids start to build up on her feet and legs, it's edema. My father told me about his friend's mother having edema, the next day she died.

I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I need to help in making my mother feel better. She started to talk despite the difficulty in breathing, telling us what to do when she dies. We tried to change the topic, and encouraged her to be strong. She doesn't want to be brought in the hospital initially, but due to the pain and breathing difficulty, she expressed her desire to be brought to the hospital.

My brother called on her doctor what to do, he just advised us to keep his oxygen on, and continue with the therapy. However, the needle of the IV can't be installed on her hand because of swelling. Finally, it got in but the therapy wasn't finished. She started to feel better, and fell asleep in the afternoon after battling to get better breathing.

I have been preparing myself. What my father told me about edema has been in my mind. I'm scared for the next day, but I have to prepare myself. I went downstairs in the morning, scared on what my mother looks like. Feeling better after the episode of lack of breathing the day prior. I looked at her feet with the swelling, and it seems going away. The rest of the week is fine, but she often sleeps and doesn't talk to us often. Whenever I ask her what she's feeling, she often respond the pain never left.

On the second week, she had another episode of breathing difficulty despite the oxygen on her. Her doctor came to visit from Manila, and he advised that we bring her to the hospital on the next day. He told us about her state deteriorating, and we may be just in self-denial. We should just do our best to add more days of life, and spend the moments more.

Seeing her in such situation, I felt like my emotions can't handle it anymore. I went upstairs then I met my brother. He hugged me and we both cried.

I attend to my mother's business so there are days that I have to go the supermarket where we used to supply frozen foods. I know that day, she will be brought to the hospital. When I got home, there's an ambulance ready to pick her up. While she's brought to the ambulance it's as if she doesn't know what's happening. Her memory is waning since the second episode of hard breathing.

At home, I am crying. I just can't stand seeing her in such situation. Never have I ever thought she would go through such. She's only 59 at that time. She can still do more. Everytime I see any mothers out there at old age, I feel envious that I wished my mom has reached such age with strength.

Then a relative came to visit. She told us not to hope because it's obvious my mother is close to death. My sister responded that we know her situation but we'll just do our best for her. I am not sure about our aunt's intention in saying that but maybe she's just careless with her choice of words.

That day, Friday, my mother had gone mild stroke. It's another thing that worries us. She's battling cancer, losing her memory, and then, mild stroke? It seems an endless battle with burden adding up.

That same day she was brought to the ICU for intensive observation. We retained the room where she was initially confined in so we have somewhere to stay as we are on a shifting schedule to watch and care for our mother in the ICU.

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