September 25, 2021
Just like what I have mentioned in my previous article, I'm gonna write a separate one for my father. It took me awhile to finally have the courage to write this one since up until now this still hunts me, well both of them still hunts me.
September 17, 2017
43 days since my mother left us. It's been a tough 43 days for all of us without her but what can we do? We need to accept the fact that people come and go and that whether we like it or not there will come a time that our love ones will leave us. The pain is unbearable but seeing how strong my father was, was what we all need. He was so strong though I know that he is hurting inside, he kept his pain from us so that we would remain strong. People may have not saw it but everytime my father and I talk, I can see in his eyes how hurt he was.
September 17, 2017 is Sunday. My father instructed my older brother to look for a barunday (a fish) in the market because we wants to eat a grilled barunday that day. My brother went to the market using my father's habal-habal but he got home saying that he didn't find any. My brother then brought me with him to the other barangay where fish vendors would flock together but sad to say we got home with nothing. My father then tried his luck and went to the market, he got home with a pig's mask which consists of pig's ears, tongue, and other stuff from the pig's head. He then prepared the pig's masks for grilling. We were talking happily that day and ate the grilled pig's head together.
Since it's September that time, our municipality will be celebrating it's fiesta on 28-29 of that month. It's been a tradition in our municipality to have a month long celebration. Starting from September 9 or 11, every night there will be a program with different host. Parish Night, LGU Night, Teacher's Night, MAMABA Night just to name a few.
On that night will be the night for the habal-habal drivers which my father is included. I can still remember that I came across him that night near the gymnasium where the party was held. I was also out that night to enjoy together with my cousin. My younger brother was also with his friends while my older brother was already on his boarding house. He stopped in front of us and asked me things like where my brother is, did we already ate our dinner, and that where was I heading. I answered him and also asked him if he will be attending the party and he said yes. I even joked at him. We are very casual with each other like we are just friends and of the same age but I still respect my father. We are very close and I even shared with him my secrets and he also does share his. After that talked I didn't seen him again. I went at around 11 P.M. and so does my younger brother. My father was still at the party and I knew that time that when he come home he'll gonna woke me up.
September 18, 2017 - around 1:50 A.M. to 3:00 A.M.
I was sleeping peacefully when I got interrupted by a moan, not an erotic moan of course. I woke up and realizing that it was my father above. Well, we have this kind of room at the roof, like an attic. My father was at the attic just above my room. The attic was not very high, I can even knock on it while standing in my room.
When I heard my father moaning, I realized that he was having a nightmare as usual. My father was this kind of person where in when he got nightmares he would punch even while he was asleep or even talk. With that in mind, I just knocked his floor and called out his name. My grandmother then got up from inside the house and asked me what's happening then she told me to went at the attic. I frantically went up and when I saw my father I immediately woke him up but he didn't even move a little. My grandmother then asked me to open the door and I did. I hurriedly then went back to the attic and continued waking my father. I then knew what was going on. I even bit his toe because from what I heard that would wake people up but still nothing. I've done everything that I could but my father was still sleeping. With my trembling hands I then reached for his chest to listen to his heartbeat. My tears fell down when I heard nothing. I was sobbing when I went down and went outside the house. It hurts so bad that with just a short period of time we lost our parents. I was just 18 at that time, my older brother was 20 and our youngest was turning 15. I cried my heart out and even questioned God why that happened to us. I was badly hurt that I even cursed Him. Yes, I cursed God that time. Our relatives came and they helped us bringing my father down from the attic. The pain doubled when I saw my younger brother crying silently. I didn't have the courage to comfort him because I, myself needs comfort. I was just outside crying the whole time. I can't make myself to look at my father lying in bed.
It was around 6:A.M when I finally had the courage to went back in. There I saw him lying in bed with his eyes closed. I was still crying when I held his cold hands. I asked him to wake up but he didn't.
Looking back to all of it feels the same. The pain never changed or lessen even a bit. I can't even describe how it feels. It was so painful and I don't want to feel that way again. It was all hard for me to bear because I'm the one who was there when my parents died. I was the one who have this what if's. I am also blaming myself for the actions that I've made because if only I went at the attic immediately maybe my father is still alive. If only I was able to woke him up on time he would still be here with us. Maybe if I woke my mother up and didn't let my feelings got me, she would also be here with us. If only I stayed by their side, they would still be alive. If only.
