11.17.2007

It has been 14 years since he was gone.

For the whole year, there are 3 days on which I kinda feel sentimental. First is when it is Father's Day, second is his death anniversary and lastly, on his birthday.

November 17, 2007

Although I was just 7 years old that time, there is this scene that I can clearly remember. It was past midnight and its just me and my 2 brothers at home. My father is at the hospital that time and my mother is with him.

I was in the middle of my sleep alongside with my brothers. I woke up in the middle of the night, I don't know if that really happens or it's just from my dream. As I was saying, I woke up, rub my eyes and there, I saw our father in front of us. He's on his black sweater but he's just sitting there, maybe watching us sleep. Then there was a thick smoke and the next thing I saw, he was gone.

I woke up the next day and everyone at home was so busy cleaning the inside and the outside of the house. They were even setting up tents, tables and chairs. After the cleaning, my two teenage brothers sat side by side on a long chair and they were sniffing, they were crying.

I was so dumbfounded why the atmosphere was so heavy and I found out from my sister in law that our father is dead. As a kid, it didn't sink in. He's dead? Okay. That's just my reaction. It didn't affect me that bad and for the whole funeral, I didn't even shed a tear while everyone around me cries like a river.

Growing up

I was fully aware that my father is gone but seems like the weight of that fact hasn't sunk on me yet.

As the youngest, I have everyone's attention in the family. I was a spoiled kid, I admit. Whatever I want, they will get.

During my whole elemtary life, there weren't any longing. Until Junior High School, I can casually talk about how my dad died. It's not a taboo topic and everyome around me knows it already.

The longing

But as I grew up, the more that my eyes are opening to the realities of the world, that's when I started to feel the longing.

I don't exactly know when. Maybe it's when we had a recognition ceremony at school, when I saw my friend'a dad proudly put the medal on her. Or maybe it's when I was stuck at school with my classmate but few minutes later, my classmate's dad pick her up while I have no dad to do that for me.

Or maybe it's all the time. I mean everytime I saw a father and child having a bonding of their own. Whenever I see the closeness between father and child and how the father can do everything for his child.

I wasn't really that dramatic but I just woke up one day, feeling this way whenever I am seeing a father and child. I just developed a soft part toward dads and that is making me emotional.

It isn't that painful but there is longing. I guess, there will always be longing.

I always think about if I were lucky or not that my dad passed away when I was young. Lucky because I was too young to remember and I was too young to understand what was happening before. Or unlucky because I wasn't even able to have many memories with him unlike my siblings who was able to be with him for a long time.

My memories with him

I don't remember so many memories with him. Maybe I was just too young to remember but thankfully, there are still some that I can remember and I am really treasuring it in mind and in my heart and I am trying really hard not to forget it.

I remember that he was the one who taught me how to write. Unlike other kids, I didn't try tracing letters, he will write my name as my guide and I will have to copy that.

He was also the one who taught me how to add and subtract. My mother always says that my father is the smart one so the task of teaching me is on him.

My siblings memory of my father is that he is strict and disciplinarian. All of them had experience some spanking from him. But as for me, never did he gets mad at me. Never did he nag at me, and never did he hit me.

He was a smoker and I know it's bad for him. And everytime he'll ask me to buy him cigarettes, I always buy him biscuit instead. And he never scold me for that. He will just smile or laugh and we will eat the biscuit together.

I also know him as a joker. My cousins allways go to our house to call me so that we could play. And what my father always do is to hook his finger on their shirts and he'll always tell them that he can't remove it. So we always end up staying at home for a while before he lets us go.

There was also this one scene when my father sweep all the dried leaves and the trashes on our yard. He keeps it on one area and then burned it afterwards. It was in the morning and I woke up, went outside and that's when he saw me. He immediately stop on what he's doing and he prepared me my breakfast.

Being a curious kid, I picked up a stick, wrap a plastic on its edge and I place it on the fire. I played with it but it accidentally drops on the dried rice straws near it and since it's dry, the fire became big instantly.

It was 2 mountaisn of rice straws which my uncle own as the food for his carabaos and cows and I burned it in an instant. It was a huge fire and the entire neighborhood helped each other to stop it.

I thought I was a dead meat after that but my father just give me my food and on his tired voice, he just asked me to eat my breakfast like nothing happened.

Sadly, I can't remember any more memory with him. We didn't even have a photo together and so even his face is ready deteriorating in my mind. So these memories that I still know, I hold it dear in my heart and I hope to never forget it.

A day to remember

I once heard it from a Kdrama that I am watching and it's all about how people only remember the person's date of death and not their birthday.

Maybe it's because the date of their death is so painful and is something that we won't forget. But through the years on how we celebrate our father's death anniversary, I realized that it shouldn't be a sad day.

We should not remember the pain from his death but only the good memories that we have with him. He lived a good life and that is something that we should not forget.

We should celebrate the way he live and not the way he died. So it is indeed a day to remember. A happy day to remember, to reminisce all the good memories we have with him.

I honestly have a roller coaster of emotion as I write this. As I've said above, there will always be longing but such day as the day of his death will always be a celebration for us. Because what's not to be happy about? All our family always gather on his death anniversary. Then we will visit his grave, bring some good food, and spend the day together and have bonding with each other.

I don't know how my mom and my siblings handled his death but this is my point of view and my version of the story that I finally released for the very first time. I had a roller coaster of emotion as I write this but it was a nice feeling to finally let it all out.

I will be ending it here now. This is very personal and very close to my heart. I'm sorry for all the drama, don't worry, it's only for today that I am sentimental. It's just one of those days and tomorrow, I won't be anymore. Thank you so much for reading this far. I just wanna say that if your parents are still with you, treasure them dearly. Life is short so live it wisely.

Article No. 164
Date: 19 November 2021
By: immaryandmerry
Topic: Personal Blog, Memories