Questions: They Are Sailing On My Mind
Hello, hello, helloooo! Your future Agriculturist and you're wannabe writer (HAHA!) is here again.
This time, I'm gonna write the questions that are sailing on my mind. Questions that some are already answered and many are still remaining as a questions. Thanks to @JonicaBradley for organizing this kind of writing event which I will be joining, too.
***So, let's start nowwww....***
Do you also has this sets of questions running in that pretty mind of yours? Well, I know you have because I do also have it. A lot of it! About our life, our future, my goals, and many many more.
*"So many questions ... that a number of days will not be enough for me to enumerate and ask them all.* "
There were so many why's, when's, and how's that I want to find an answer for, a concrete and a clear one. For this article, let's focus on those unanswered questions. Questions that aren't still given an answer but was followed by another and more questions. ***Let's begin with this one....***
***Why can't I start a business?***
I have so many ideas, but why? Is it because I lacked in actions? Is it because I lacked in money? Or maybe, both?
**There are more ... about our lives.**
***When will I and our family be successful in life?*** Will we ever be successful? How can we be successful? Does the fact that I study hard and that I'm a certified dreamer was already enough? Or do I need to be more determined, dedicated, eager?
***Will I achieve my goals?*** My dreams? My prayers? How long do I still need to work hard for me to achieve it all?
***Does my lil bro still wants to study?*** Do I have to ask him? And, do I have the courage to ask him about it?
***Does Papa still wants to work?*** To work for our family? Does my old Papa will be back again? When? How?
***Why do we have toxic relatives? Why does Mama has an Aunts that are soooo toxic?*** Is it because we are not rich? Because we don't have a tons of money? Or are they just envious because we have a big family? And, they just had themselves? No children that they can call as their own?
And, most specially....
***When can we leave Mama's place?*** Because I don't want to live here anymore. So many toxic people are around our family. Pulling us down with them. Pushing us down and down and down.
***When will we have our own house?*** Far from this place. The place that we can have our own lives. The place that we don't need to consider what our relatives will say and comment.
**And....**
*Does that time will ever come? Or we will live here forever? No freedom ....*
**And, here comes my love life.**
Well, I don't have one, can you give me? Hahaha! Just kidding.
***Why can't I have my crush's attention and adoration?***
*HAHAHA! OMG. Let's me make this part a dramatic one. XD*
Like many girls (Oh! I'm not jus a girl anymore. I'm a woman now!) out there, I also do have some crushes. But, I kept on asking myself if do they also feel the same to me? Or nah? Maybe, it's the second one. (Huhu! Joking.) I'm kind of witty, loving, and a responsible one. But, I don't know if I'm pretty and sexy or not. Or, is it because I lacked in HEIGHT? (HAHAHA!) Well, let's leave this part already.
***When can I meet him?*** That man who will love me, accept me, and will cage me in his loving arms forever. Just like on those Wattpad stories! Haha.
*"I know that there was a forever, if none, why does are parents still together? :) Loving each other and still feeling that sparks like a teenager. Hihi!"*
*These are just some of my questions. Questions that are sailing on my mind. Questions that are still unanswered. Questions that are not lessen but becomes more and more and more in each passing days. Questions that I can't find an answer for, for now.* ***But.....***
***"These are the questions that I will not just find an answer for. But, will also prove that those questions will not be left behind. Never!"***
Maybe you would want to read my previous articles:
'My Flaws Are Not My Fate": **https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/my-flaws-are-not-my-fate-5412efca**
Finally, I'm Back!: **https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/finally-im-back-8dcab3b6**
Or let's have a chitchat and become a friends in Noise.cash:
imanagrcltrst: **https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst**
LOVE LOTSSSS! :)
My First Love, My Protector, My Papa
Since yesterday and up until now, I've been seeing many read.cash users that are writing their own articles for their Fathers. And, as I read those articles, I always ends up crying in one side of our room. Silently shedding my tears, covering my mouth to prevent myself from sobbing loudly. I do really relate to their stories, because like them I also experienced many good things (even bad times) together with our Father. And, most specially, because **I'm a certified Papa's Girl**.
As a reader of their articles, I was feeling this urge to write mine, too. **So, here it goes....**
We used to call our Father as **Papa**. He was just twenty years old when he met our Mother. How? Well, he was working in a small bakery just beside our compound. After simply looking for each other secretly, boomm! They fall for each other. Mama was just fifteen years old by that time, studying as a third year high school student in a public school in our city. Tita (Mama's younger sister) was their bridge and their messenger, at the same time. Whenever they want to send a letter for each one, Tita will do the work. Since that Mama was too young that time, they decided to run away and go to a province far away from Mama's hometown. And, tadaaaaa! They had me.
After they known that Mama was carrying me inside her womb, they decided to come back to Mama's family. Even though Papa was not that educated and just has a small salary from working as a baker, Papa do still faced them all, with courage and determination. After that, they decided to get married. But, since Mama was still a minor, I was not yet allowed to carry Papa's surname. Do, instead of using his surname, I ended up carrying Mama's maiden name which I was still using until now.
Few years had passed so fast, Mama gave birth to a healthy and bouncing baby boy and seven years after, our little sister had finally join our happy family.
But, life was has not been that good for Papa. Why? Well, let me tell you, guys, a short story before I tell you how amazing our Papa is.
**June 06, 1979**
Papa's Mom gave birth to him. He once lived in a house with a complete family, a Father, a Mother, and him living in a house that they once called as their **home**. Sharing one bed while sleeping, eating in one table, and dreaming together. But, it doesn't take that long. His Father leaved him, him and his Mother. He was so young that time, he doesn't fully understand what is happening to their family. He was not that aware that his beloved Father had already leaved them, for good. He don't know that he doesn't have a Father to grow up with, anymore and that their once complete family was now broken.
***He doesn't know, but he can feel it..... for sure.***
Few years after that scenario, Papa's Mom (Lola) met another man who happened to be Papa's stepfather by now. Maybe that time, Papa thinks that he will finally have a complete family, again. But, he's wrong! He's wrong, big time.
Lola had another two kids, a boy and a girl. Like the common stories of a kid having his/her stepfather and step-siblings, he felt that he was not belong. His step-father used to abused his young body and young self, physically. He beats Papa whenever he would done something that was not acceptable. There were a lot of times that Papa told us some of his bad experiences when he was still on that house.
Translated into English....
*"I once remember when he (Papa's stepfather) asked me to cook Paksiw na Bangus (soured milkfish) when I was still a teenager. I don't know how to cook it. I can't asked someone to teach me. Nanay (Mother) was not there.. your Tito and Tita was too young that time. What I did is just I put all the ingredients that I know it has... I thought that it already taste good. But, no. He became mad, told me bad things and words, beat me.*
*I didn't tell it to your Lola. Nothing will change even if I had to. She will listen, yes. But, she won't do anything. She won't even question her husband. She won't and she can't."*
**This is just one of those bad things that he had experienced when he was still living with his Mother and its second family. It was just one.... but already hurts me many times.**
Maybe, when he feels like it was already enough and out of control, he left their house and come back to their old house. The one that he had good memories, the one that he once had a complete and happy family. The house that was standing in a compound. A compound wherein his Mother's relatives was living. And, the people who truly loves him and was willing to take him back, take care of him, and caged him in their arms. His Lolo (grandmother's father) take good care of him. He felt angry whenever Papa was being harmed by someone, either their relatives or not. But, Papa doesn't want to fully depend on his relatives. So, he started working in a very young age of around fifteen to sixteen years of age.
One day, he needs to come back to that house. The house wherein that monster was living. And, since that day, Papa becomes disabled.
According to Papa, Lolo beats him using a thick wood (dos-por-dos in Filipino terminology). He beats him bad, so bad!!! He beats him that resulted to Papa's disability. He can't walk properly as that beating really injured his leg. As of now, he still can't walk good. (In Filipino: Kikingtod-kingtod maglakad) I know that he feels ashamed, but he just chose to not to talk. Because nothing will change. Nothing. When his Lolo founds out what that man did to him, he was so angry and started loathing that man for hurting his beloved grandson real bad.
Whenever we will go to their house, the scenario of Lolo beating our Papa was flashing on my mind. But, I just chose to not be angry at him because Papa doesn't teach us to loath and hate other people.
***Papa's biggest wish is ....***
***To see his biological Father again!***
This is Papa's biggest wishes, well aside from having a good life and a better future for our family.
I can still remember how he extremely wants to see his Father again. To feel his hug, again. To be with him, again. And, to feel his love for Papa, again. He always wanted to have a touchscreen phone, as he just have a keypad one, so that he can find her Father on the social media. Wishing that he could find him there. There was also some time that he would asked and bragged me to bring my old phones in the technicians in the city proper to get fixed. But, my old phones was totally damaged and cannot be fixed anymore. Or if yes, it will cost a money that can even buy a new phone.
There were also a lot of times that he would cry (especially when he was so drunkard) and murmuring how he really wants to see his Father again.
***"Maybe other people can help me find my Father. Because even my own wife don't want to do something for it."***
He thinks that we don't care. But, that's not true! He doesn't know how I save money to buy some load before, when I still can't earn pennies. He doesn't know that we (I and Mama) do searched for our Lolo, many times. We tried.... We tried. But, we still can't find even a single person who has the same name with Papa's Father. No one.... No one.
When he was crying because of it, I won't look nor talk to him anymore. Why? Because I will just end up crying, too. And, I don't want him to see me in a weak state. Why? Because it will just make him cry even more. And, I don't want that. Never! And, I know that it was also the same reason why Mama was avoiding this topic. Not because she doesn't care, but because she was hurt, too.
**Now, let me tell you how amazing our Papa is.**
***I can still remember many memories with Papa.......***
**Year 2005-2006**
**I can still remember** how he made me ride his old bicycle whenever I go to our school when I was in Kindergarten and Grade 1. He often do that whenever I tend to wiwi on our bed when I was a kid. While driving and holding me not to fall, he will always say, ***"It's okay. Don't feel ashamed! It's normal because you were still a baby. But always try your best not to wiwi on the bed, next time. If you want to wiwi, wake Papa and I will walk you to the bathroom."*** And, he will pat and kiss my head so lightly.
**Year 2006-2013**
**I can still remember** how he saves money (in a can) just to buy me a new clothes whenever I will walk on the stage to get my medals as an honor student when I was in Grade 1 to Grade 5.
**March, Year 2013**
**I can still remember** when he bought a new phone as a graduation gift when I finished my elementary days in the year 2013. It was a keypad phone that has some small crystals (though, it's not a real one) on the side that will lighten up whenever someone will send me a message or calls me. I know that it costs not that high and was already outdated (as many high-tech phones was being introduced that time). But, I still used it proudly because I know that Papa had bought that because of his hard works.
**June, Year 2013**
**I can still remember** how he drive me to school on my first day as a high school (Grade 7) student. How happy he was that time. How he smile at me while saying, ***"Good luck on your first day. Call or text me when you need me. Don't be nervous, make friends and just smile."***
**Year 2015**
**I can still remember** how he handed me a new phone, a touchscreen one, when I was in Grade 9. That was the first smartphone that I ever had, so I was so happy. It was an old model of Cherry Mobile, but I know that it was heavy on the pocket to buy one. Especially that Papa's salary as a baker was not that high. Sometimes, it can't even sustain our daily living. I appreciate and took care of it, so much, because like my first phone, it was from his hard works.
**Year 2016 and Year 2019**
This are the years when I finished my Junior High (Moving-up Ceremony) and Senior High (Graduation Day) days. **I can still remember** how happy he was that he even throws a simple celebration for me, not minding all the money that will be needed. He patiently wait for me and Mama during my graduation even though it finished by nearly eleven o'clock in the evening.
**I can still remember** how he doesn't questioned my decision to took Bachelor of Science in Agriculture as my course in college. He just said, ***"Okay. Just make sure that you will be happy on that course."***
**I can still remember** how he supported my fan girling life. How he called my Korean idols as my *boyfriends.* How he made sure that my posters are safe and sound while being sticked on the walls of my room. How he listen to my rants on school matters. How he supported me when I said that I will spend my first scholarship allowance on buying a laptop. How he drives me to my tutee's house during my tutorial sessions. How he supported me in everything that I would want to reach and have. So many memories to remember that the whole day will not enough.
*I may not seen how happy you were when you first had me and my siblings in your arms...*
*I may not seen how your eyes sparks and started to become teary-eyes, when you first heard our cries, our laughs, our first word....*
*I may not seen how you worked hard (inside that bakery) for me and our family...*
*I may not seen how you sweat because of how hard your work is....*
***But, I can feel it. I can feel it because your love was so strong. So strong that it reached me even when you were far... So strong that even the wind will be shy.***
So, thank you! Thank you for always being there for me. Always remember that you will always be my and my siblings' first.....
***First love.***
***The first man who loved and accepted me.***
***Protector and savior.***
*Even when we got our own families, I know and I am sure that you will be the only man who will love, accept, and protect us. No matter what happens!*
And, sorry! Sorry for prohibiting you to drink alcoholic drinks, to puff a cigarette, for answering you sometimes, and for being a strict daughter who also prohibits you (and our family) to consume too much sugar and cholesterol.
**Happy Father's Day, Papa! We love you so much. I (we) may not always say it, but I know that you can feel it.**
**Closing Thoughts**
Love our Father so much and do not let other men to take their positions in our hearts. Because even when we already have our own families, we will be forever their babies, princesses, and princes.
Thank you for reading this looooong article of mine. Hihi! Love lots.
Maybe you would want to read my previous articles:
'My Flaws Are Not My Fate": https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/my-flaws-are-not-my-fate-5412efca
Finally, I'm Back!: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/finally-im-back-8dcab3b6
Or let's have a chitchat and become a friends in Noise.cash:
imanagrcltrst: https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst
"My flaws are not my fate!"
These article of mine was inspired by a commercial that I once heard in the television when I was washing the dishes yesterday.
Watch the video through this link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hly5mh5vHuc
***Let's begin......***
Have you ever wonder why there were some people who don't like to be engaged on us? I know you were. I know that there were a lot of times that we asked ourselves why those person we wants doesn't want us, too. Why we had encountered times wherein we were mistreated? And, many why and why and why's.
Let me ask you another question. Do you have some flaws? Of course, you have. We, all of us has our own flaws. Is this the reason why we had experienced all the whys in the previous paragraph? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Before anything else. Let's first briefly discuss what is flaws all about:
**What is flaws?**
`Flaws are those marks and other imperfections that a person has. It can either be a flaw on one's character or in one's physical appearance. Character flaw's are those undesirable characteristics (qualities) that a person has. Like being a short temper, pessimist, abusive, bigmouth (gossiper), overconfident, envious, and many more to mention.`
All of us has our own sets of character flaws, same as on the physical appearance. Having pimples, birth marks, scars, pores, freckles are sometimes considered as flaws even though they were not, at the very first place.
But, do they really define our fate? Our future? Or ..... not?
***Does our flaws covers our beauty?***
*Pimples, pimples, pimples.....* We often have it in our faces. Sometimes they were small, sometimes they are big and can even get bigger. Sometimes there are just few and there were also a lot of times that they appear as many. (Seems like they were having a mini reunion. Hihi!) As they disappear, they leaves a marks on our faces that can be difficult to remove.
*But, does having a pimples can cover the beauty that we have?*
For me? No and will never be a yes. Why? Because having a pimples is already a normal thing to us. Nowadays, we can use make-ups to cover it. But, there were still many who shows their faces barely (including me and maybe, even you) and are proud on it.
Same as on our birthmarks. It's one of the distinct trait that we have that can make us unique from everybody else. You have a birthmark in your face? Right in your eye/s? Or maybe your whole body and your real skin was covered by a birthmark? So what? Will it define who you are? No. It will even make you more unique than anybody else.
Do you (we) have a big scars or a lot of it in our bodies? No matter where you got it, it will not define you and your fate.
Freckles? It was sometimes called by many people as *"stain."* To the point that the person who has it, do also views it as a stain. But, does it really a stain? No. The fact is that there were a lot of people (a lot more compare to those who hates it) who are very eager to have it. So, why hate it too?
What can overcome our flaws are our smiles and acceptance. So, better accept it than hate it! :)
***Character flaws....***
Are you a pessimist one? Or an overthinker (paranoid), childish, blunt, naive, practical, overprotective, overconfident, timid? Most specially, are you a soft-hearted?
This were just a few of those character flaws that are enumerated and classified by some experts and practitioners. But, do they really a flaws?
A person who was said as a pessimist one can be changed into a optimistic one. They just need to keep in their minds that they can do it and that they can always do it. Say that ***"I'm an optimistic person"*** and practice to be one.
Being an overthinker can be a either a good or a bad thing. It can be good in many times and situations like when we want to go out and we suddenly felt paranoid. Thinking that there were a bad thing that gonna happen and will end us to just stay at home and do not go out. There were a chance that it can possibly happen or maybe not. Sometimes it was our guts that are talking to our minds and we just need to sometimes believe on it. But, at the same time, it can be a bad thing. Why? For example, we have our partners in life. Either it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife. We think that they were cheating even though they're not. Because of this, it can cause a misunderstanding or an argument on the both sides which can result for our relationships to have a crack. And, this is really not a good thing!
Being a timid or a naive one, can sometimes be called as *"pabebe."* I know it because I'm a timid one (but, I'm not naive). I speak so soft and they think that I can't be mad because of it. They think that I was just faking it, even though I'm not. Why say that a timid one is a *'pabebe*' and a person who speaks so loud as a *'war freak'* (or palengkera)? Can we just normalize it?
Are those really a flaws or maybe people just had set their standards and expectations too high? Too high that we can't reach it. Too high that we can't satisfy their expectations and standards.
Are those people who judged or criticized our flaws do not have their own flaws? Because as far as I know, being a judgmental is also a flaw.
And, can these flaws really define our fate? Basically, I'm not agree with it. Because our flaws can be our advantages. Our advantage to conquer and slay the runway. A runway that many people was eager to see and watch. A runway that will lead us to success. A runway that we will slay and will make everybody's mouths open.
Having a freckles, a black skin, won't hinders a person from walking on their own runways. In fact, they were a lot of black women who were slaying a beauty pageants or a fashion show (like Victoria's Secret), showcasing their talents, brains, and beauty.
In the commercial that I watched, the woman who were endorsing the product of Kojiesan, once said:
***"My flaws are not my fate."***
***"They don't own me, I own them."***
***"I can choose to love them. I can choose to erase them."***
Do you agree on it? Me? Absolutely, yes! I can be whatever I wanna be (which is to be a Licensed Agriculturist) with all the pimples, dark skin, and all the flaws that I have. I can be that one because I have the skills, knowledge, and the willingness to be one. And, my flaws won't hinders me. Instead, they will help me and be my advantage and motivation to do better.
They won't own me because I will own them. Own them, love them, but I won't erase them. Why? Because this is me. And, I choose to embrace it! I hope you are, too.
In case that you would also want to read my last article:
Finally, I'm Back!: https://read.cash/@imanagrcltrst/finally-im-back-8dcab3b6
Or, visit my Noise.cash account and let's have a chitchat there:
imanagrcltrst: https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst
THANK YOU FOR READING MY ARTICLE! LOVE LOTS.
Finally, I'm Back!
Hiiiiii! It's me, imanagrcltrst (formerly, @imafutureagrcltrst). It's been a long time since I had written an article here in Read.cash since that my first account was on spam. Because of this I need to create a new account but still stays as an inactive user after creating a new one. And, here I am again. Finally had decided to start a new journey with Read.cash!
Before telling you, guys, the reasons why I had decided to come back, let's have some recap first.
***Who influenced me to join Read.cash?***
It was on the year 2020, when one of my close friends, @carisdaneym2, since high school started to posts a certain screenshots on her my days. Those screenshots was an articles uploaded in a site which also shows her earnings in every articles she had made. Then, I got curious so I asked her what is those all about. And, she tells me what she had known. I didn't join immediately as I was so busy with my studies during those time. As days passes by after this, I became motivated to start another journey. A journey that can help me to reach the success that I was aiming for. And, so I started it! All thanks to my friend who introduced this to me.
***My journey in my first Read.cash account.***
On the second day of January, year 2021, I asked her on how to join and she taught me. On this very same day, I created my first account as @imafutureagrcltrst and wrote my very first article after that.
*This is a screenshot of the first article I wrote in this site. It tells how difficult the year 2020 is. Enumerating some of the reasons why it become difficult for us, people to live.*
After that, @carisdaneym2 had been updating me for some of the happening in Read.cash like when there was a writing contests. The very first contest that I had joined was organized by Ate @Eirolfeam2 when she celebrates her 21st birthday.
*This one is my entry for the said contest. I still can remember how my fingers were shaking as I wrote this article of mine. Well, it's my first time to write an article that will be published on the internet, so please, bear with me. Haha! I was also nervous by this time because I'm afraid that Ate* @Eirolfeam2 *won't like my article. But, I was totally wrong! She noticed my article and even gave a tip on it. So, imagine the happiness that I felt that time. It's really overflowing.*
*Aside from that, it was also my first article that had received a tip from other user. It was from* @carisdaneym2*. Because of this, I became more eager and determined to continue writing. After that, some of my articles were also receiving some tips and it brought so much happiness to me.*
Overall, I had published twelve articles in the duration of five months.
***2020, A Year of Many Challenges***
***What is the best gift I have ever received?***
***Happiness is what a 'good life' really means to me!***
***Studying in the middle of a global pandemic!***
***Choosing Bachelor of Science in Agriculture***
***How do I spread BitCoin Cash awareness?***
***How difficult is it to study Soil Science through online class?***
***My Noise.cash Journey!***
***A Daughter's Gift To Her Loving Mother***
***My 2021 Goals***
***Why Did I Come Up With Establishing My Own Tutorial Sessions?***
***Discriminated By The Relatives Because of Financial Reasons***
But, not all of these articles do received a tip/s. Nevertheless, I was still happy because I didn't got even a single downvote in those twelve articles.
Now, let's proceed on the reasons why I decided to take my come back (Hihi!) in this site.
***Who encouraged me to write again?***
During those months of me being an inactive user of this site, I was often on Noise.cash, making some noise, inspiring other users with some of my contents, and making a living.
It was just days since this certain writer had finally achieved her 1BCH Goal and this really encouraged me to write an article again. Well, it's no other than @carisdaneym2.
*I was indeed happy for her that she finally reached this far. Hope that I could be the same, too. Though I was sometimes feeling lazy. Hihi! But, she also said in this article that,* ***"laziness is not an option."*** *So, let's bring it on.*
Just before the clocks ticks at 12:00 noon, this very same day, I had some minutes to have a chitchat with her. And, she suddenly asked me to create a new Read.cash account which I already done two months ago.
Aside from her, there were also many users that are also writing here at the same time. As I read some of their posts on Noise.cash, I became more eager and motivated. So, thanks to you, guys! :)
If you want to check my nonsense posts (Haha!) in Noise.cash, just click the link below and let's be friends there!
Noise.cash: https://noise.cash/u/imanagrcltrst
@imanagrcltrst
