A solution for my fears
I am too afraid to borrow money, literally speaking. I am too afraid to incur too much debt. I am afraid to be put again into the pit of despair, name it all in the negative axis.
Because of that, I am doing all I can to restrain myself from spending too much, promising so many to anyone and eating so much junk.
I hate to admit but I still struggle a lot to tighten my belt. But I need to.
I tell myself, haven't you had enough? Haven't you experienced enough shame? Haven't you gone through hell and put your family in danger because of borrowing unscrupulously?
And sometimes, I feel ashamed of my shamelessness. Sometimes I totally forget about the past. And sometimes, I just give up on my resolutions.
But despite all my internal struggles, I still manage to eventually make ends meet and I am not borrowing anymore from anyone.
I try to earn money somewhere. I try to have side hustle. I try my best to tighten my budget for as long as I can. I try my best to do something in order to stand honorable again.
Honor to man is extremely important whether we acknowledge that or not.
Somewhere on our system, we put this is high regard. But sometimes, we aren't aware.
That is one of the reasons why we try our best to protect our dignity.
And for my case, I wasn't able to at some point in my life.
I regret taking lightly the other virtues of life like modesty, honesty, and patience.
Because of forgetting those honorable virtues, I was put in the pit of despair.
That was a close call to death when I almost took my life but He has mercy. He let people help me and I willingly accepted all help I could get.
When you're put to the edge, you will have no choice but to accept help. It was a gracious thing that I got help from respectable people.
I really regret my past actions. And to cast my fears away of experiencing the same shameful thing, I now try my best to always stay humble and kind.
I deviate from my lifelong resolution from time to time but then I always do my best to go back to the path.
Friends, let us always be humble and kind.
Honestly, I do wrong to my neighbors through my words and actions. But let us strive to stay on track.
Pray for me. I will pray for you.
Let's build a better place, free from negativities and unkindness.
I thank you!
Clear of Desires
Have you ever had a lot of Desires? From one considered taboo which is sex to the most basic like eating food and wanting to be loved?
Have you on the other hand desired to be clear of such desires?
That all you wanted is a clean life and a righteous one?
I wish I could wish.
These desires are the ultimate test for us to sin or not to sin.
When we desire and lack the virtues such as patience, integrity, honesty and the like, tendency is we are going to resort to sinning and doing sorts of things just so we attain our desires.
Disclaimer: The things I am writing here are based on how I understand things and I am not an expert in the field of whatever. I am just a regular person wanting to express.
So, as I was saying, desiring things may lead us to sin if we aren't in possession of virtues that we usually learn when we are young.
I want to be void of sexual desires. In my life now, I already have enough experience on most things and what's important for me nowadays is survive until the day I die a normal death.
Actually, I want to live longer. I want to experience having enough savings and tour around the world.
But then, it's a natural thing for a human being to feel lonely, exhausted, fed up, happy, in love, angry, and so on and so forth.
And I am not an exception.
I wish I could get rid of such desires but I know one time or another, I will be craving for humanly desires.
Meanwhile, I am exerting effort to get away as far as possible from the doorway of sin. I think that is one of the test that we are being tested with time and again.
A realization at some point in my life told me that the golden rule is the guiding law for many, if not all, of us.
I do to others what I want them to do unto me.
So even if I desire to steal or whatever, I will first consider the possible implications of my action.
Usually, what they say that what we do comes right back to us is true for most instances.
Which leads us to the conclusion that we must do our utmost to be clear of desires unless it is for our own good. It follows that it is for the good of others. It's quite continuous.
There's a reason why positive is positive
This is not about testing positive for COVID 19.
Let me clear that for you.
This is about trying to create a lifestyle that will put a plus sign on your door eapecially financial aspect.
As they say, we should only spend what we have earned and cut off on unnecessary spendings.
We try to avoid debts as much as possible. For as long as we can avoid debt, we should.
Even small amounts if piled up over time could add up to significant amount.
It is also true in our dealings. When we mean no, we should say no in a polite and curt manner. We shouldn't give excessive promises to others. The act will eventually lead to trying to fulfill promises that sometimes, we actually can't.
When we try to always consider what will free us from being bounded to others or matters, then we will be able to live a better life.
We shouldn't use our tongue to be captive of our own foolish promises.
We shouldn't borrow money when we don't have a definite source of where to get the money for paying.
We capitalize on what we have. We should be resourceful not to always spend money.
When we are free from debts and commitment due to excessive promising, then we are living on the positive side.
Ensuring a future that will let us have a positive cash flow will be very beneficial not only for us but also to our loved ones.
It will make us concentrate on other things that needs our attention. The benefits are enormous.
So if you think that you are already treading the path going to destruction, then better consider what will make your cashflow positive.
Diary of the modern hermit – a long Monday day
The pain has etched down my veins. Permanently? Perhaps.
Why did I do those foolish things? Why did I not compute my gains or losses? And I threw myself to the wild and they gnawed on my remains.
I could still smell the stench of that imaginary place. Where I let myself get rotten in greed and negativities.
I hold my head high when I go to places but I lower it when my brain recalls what I went through. All because of my foolishness and pride and maybe, inherited curses.
Seriously, what has been wrong with me? I keep asking why I let myself slip through that deep pit I thought I wouldn’t be able to come out ever again.
I feel my soul dwindle in shame of those happenings.
When will I forget? When will I finally recover? When will I be able to heal from my own wounds and calluses?
Has it been etched really forever and ever?
Truly, I’m thankful, dear Lord above. You have rescued me from my pains and sufferings. You are to be exalted. Thank you for your mercy.
I remind myself to be meek, to keep the lowest profile of the low. To live as if I am a neutral being. That I exist but I don’t affect or get the attention of anyone.
I keep trying to be a neuter if that is at all possible for someone like me.
In this writings, I am remaining anonymous. Thanks to the people behind this platform, I could live as someone I like in contrast to being a neuter-trying-to-be in real life. But you won’t ever guess I am who I am in my physical state and in what I am thinking.
Am I beginning to finally understand that book I have been reading for ages but haven’t had the urge to finish? Probably because it is a digital copy and reading through the screen for the whole night is just so inconvenient and unenjoyable. I demand the printed copy. But I need to do something for me to be able to obtain it.
In that manuscript I am beginning to get my understanding be aligned with it. That the outside might not be the inside and that the inside is not necessarily reflected on the outside. It must depend on other things. Life isn’t as simple as a square geometry drawing.
And in my mind, I keep tracing those tragic events in my life when I allowed myself to be pulled in that zone for what seems like a lifetime but I am very much thankful to Him that I am still alive. And has the potential to go back to how things used to be. Perhaps never anymore but I am alive.
I keep getting help from the inside contents of some people I read here. Because they may be the same as me. Having gone through same level as I went through. But we aren’t so sure about that.
But lest I forget, I would like to keep on mourning for my pseudo death when I felt like I died those times. I cannot remember anymore how many nights I kept praying that I will be out of that mess I have created. I failed to remember how I was able to temporarily forget those.
There were few months when I observed that it was as if I never experienced such things. And I condone myself for having the nerve to live like normal. I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t. Or not yet anyway. I have to atone for what I have done. I have to give back to those who helped me. I have to do that lest I will feel really dead for real.
So let me live a hermit life at least. That is the best for now, thinking that I am not allowing myself to live a normal life like before. I have to pay for years and years. Hoping that time will come when I feel I have done enough to make up for my foolishness.
And I ask you, Lord, for mercy and guidance in helping me achieve my humane goals. I am not being too hard on myself. But sometimes, we just really need to really show ourselves that we meant to redeem ourselves not only for anyone but for the universal truths that we are seeking. It’s the truth that things must be done whether they tell us to or not. It’s for healing in the long run. It’s for authentic forgiveness of ourselves and for peace within our minds.
Diary of the modern hermit: February - 6, 2022
The hermit decided to go on a walk. Near the house, a little farther away, down the road, to the grocery store.
Sitting down inside the house is making her more obese by the day. She has to burn some fats off and tone some muscles that has stayed taut for a long while now.
Her two-pailed exercise had been forgotten for a while. In short, she has not been fetching water as a form of exercise. The two red pails are being used inside the bathroom and her home's water source's now from the electric water pump of the neighbor.
Her son's scent made her want to bring him with her. So the two set out to the grocery store.
They walked the narrow paths in between houses. Trekked some not so modern land structures and they finally reached the start of the road.
*Mama, can't we ride the jeepney?*
*No, my dear son. We've got no money for that.*
*How about a taxi, can't we ride that as well?*
*All the more money needed for that, my dear son. We will be hailing a taxi when we return from the grocery only but not now.*
*Ah, is taxi cheaper than jeep?*
*No, of course not. We are only taking a taxi when we go home because our baggage will be heavy by then.*
*So is taxi cheaper?*
*I said no.*
*But why don't we take jeep later instead of the taxi?*
*Because with taxi, we can go anywhere. Unlike jeep, I has a specific route.*
Mother and son continued walking without much more dialogues. But they were holding hands.
They went inside the grocery, got kitchen needs and some toys, paid and left via taxi as was talked about earlier.
Back home, her son sorted out their toys with her younger sister. Her sister was sleeping when they arrived home so he put her share of toy beside her.
Fast forward, the hermit went to the nearby store where seats are set for potential customers. People, including the hermit, were very much attracted to the seats for no apparent reason.
That maybe the reason itself why she is always going their despite her own protest of coming out the house instead of just coming out for exercise purposes.
Well, people are social beings after all.
She sat alongside some young boys playing their mobile games. She sat silent, observant of what is happening around her.
Young boys having foul languages. She wonders if the young boys ever understood their Math subjects. She wanted to say something to the boys but she was hesitant because of the timing. Perhaps she has to check on her language first before advising others.
Too bad that right now she has equally the same bad language as them so she must first discipline her tongue.
She sat watching people pass by. Such a nice day on a Sunday. Despite the noise of the youngsters, the day was still serene.
She was passed by customers, passersby, anyone coming and going but she wasn't mindful of them at all.
It's a nice thing that the people aren't very snoopy of what she was up to.
She remembers they passed by an Anglican Church while they were walking to the grocery store. And she wondered that time if there ever was a universal rule on how to praise The One above.
Ah... 'nough for this day's musings, she thought.
She went home to cook what her son described as "spicy." Her son recently learned to love Korean spicy noodles.
Yesterday, she heard a 'loud explosion' at their house. She was still wondering what that was. Until she saw the scattered kimchi veggies.
Apparently, the bottle wasn't able to contain the volume of kimchi so it exploded saying, "I can't take it anymore!"
Oh well, she heard herself say, at least it has become clear that this was the culprit of yesterday's loud sound.
*What to do now with this thing?*
She tried frying the kimchi litters. But then she wasn't in the mood for some kimchi. She will see what will become of the kimchi.
The hermit stops at this time of day. Two in the afternoon. Till tomorrow again.
Diary of the modern hermit - 2/4to5/2022
She will persist. She will continue with her plans.
So yesterday she woke up late, she insisted the kids will stay home. Because she decided to stay home as well.
Truly, they stayed home. Done things that are done by people.
She was back to her slumber. But at least this chronicling she will continue doing.
She ate nonstop even though she wanted to trim he weight down. It will still be achieved. She believes.
Last night again, she munched on sweeties.
Well, what kind of stories are these?
But this is her truth. Every single day, she is faced with her own self-doubts, self-criticisms, self-admonishments.
Today is weekend. Just for now the hermit will rest a while.
Diary of the modern hermit – 2/3/2022
Let the hermit persist, at least. She was not able to log her activities yesterday even though she has finally planned to chronicle her daily activities. Hence, she is persisting to publish this even if it is already late.
So the date of this log is for yesterday-2/3/2022.
On Thursday, Feb3,2022, the hermit woke up at not so early again in the morning but earlier than the previous days. She got her two red, small pails then thought of going for some exercise—that would fetching water repeatedly until she has had enough.
She went to the water source, originally a well, but they turned it into a pumping station. Manual pumping of water in order to get the precious element for so many uses. For taking a bath, washing kitchen utensils, flushing the toilet, etc.
But alas! The pumping station was in disorder. The machine isn’t working properly. When you pump, the water goes somewhere else instead of where it should go. We thought of fixing the thing up but the problem is, we do not have the right materials to do so. The right tool, rather. Our husbands happens to be away and we needed ‘man’ power.
When the people gave up on using the facility for the day, she persisted on remedying the situation just so she can go on with her exercise. She was able to at least do something and on she carried water to the house then back again to get two pails.
Later, she went back home to rinse the long overdue laundry and she had success with her chore.
Afterwards, she felt tempted to again go to the usual place where she could unwind and meet with some neighbors to talk just about anything that comes under their noses. Ah… The failure again to keep herself to herself, plan to herself, and money to her kids and to their budget.
She thought that the next day, she will be able to discipline herself into not going to gossip about other people.
She has spent her money on her children’s demands like biscuits, candies, and so on. Tomorrow, she will really tighten their spending. She forgives herself and hopes not to do the same the next day.
And so they extended their leisurely hours until past 8:30 in the evening. A good time for neighbors to notice that they aren’t doing the traditional thing of being inside the house already even before dusk especially that she has children.
Well, tomorrow will be different anyway. I will eventually change for the better, she thought.
By the way, she asked her eldest son to bring her food into the gossip place. Her child obeyed her in exchange for few good things. Junk things in actuality. She allowed that and so she ate at the outside. Her daughter got her other food, which was a nice sight for her. How nice of her daughter to eat. Her other son on the other hand, took a bowl of noodles. Not too good because she thinks that noodles isn’t that healthy. At least her daughter chose the beans.
She worked on eating what was left on her plate including rice, few stripes of noodles, and fried boneless fish.
It was a good day still. But she had a lot of reservations. She wanted to be as private as possible but she maintains that she does those things to get away from depression. But she also believes that she had to keep her life private. And lie low from prying eyes.
The next days will be for the better, she thought again.
They went home, Finally. After some sermon and hug to her children, she let them sleep and she also slept. One of the few nights that she slept earlier than usual. Probably why this article got published a day later. Composed and published a day later than the diary date which is 2/3/2022.
But then again, she persists of chronicling her life. It may not be perfect descriptions of her day to day activities but at least, she could go back and check the patterns if ever there should things worth changing.
So later this day, a diary for this day will also be published. This article is for yesterday’s.
Diary of the modern hermit - 2/2/2022
*Photo above is not mine. I give credit to Unsplash.*
It was on Wednesday that she started to chronicle her life, in the hope of finding something recurrent with how she lives her life.
The usual of the ordinary times. Wakes up at not so early in the morning. Instead of continuing with the laundry she told herself to do the first thing in the morning, she instead went straight to her laptop and continued with whatever tasks she has had the previous day.
*What a morning,* she thought. *I thought I will be having my exercise in doing house chores but here I go, just doing my sedentary job.*
Perhaps, she wanted to do a lot more, but so many things are just pulling her back from her plans.
But what plans were those? Ah, she isn’t sure.
One set of plan is doing well in house chores and wish of resigning from regular job. But ney, she can’t do that. She has to respect so many things. And people.
Anyhow, she does well during this pandemic. She fares well during this pandemic.
She thinks about summer and books and summer again but then she does play mobile games a lot. But only those mindless games, actually.
What were her thoughts this day?
Well, a young politician just recently passed away. No, he isn’t that young. He’s already past half-century old. But with his brilliant mind, he can do a lot more. It hit her how unprepared she feels.
She had no inclination for political things but then she also isn’t somebody who can just sit idle and do nothing for the society. She thinks how deeply she has been just dependent on the elders of her community.
Though it shouldn’t be a big deal, the death of that politician, but men, she was so deeply affected. She mourned for him. No, she is still mourning. How could one so young, so brilliant, and so humanistic just disappear and say goodbye to political life.
It’s a big lesson for her to also start taking a stand to what she feels is right for the community, for the society. At least she should consider, what if years pass and the youth will now rely on them. They will be, or are already the elders of today’s time and she should be getting matured and learned, bonus is being educated.
Now we go to this hermit’s activity for the night. Apparently, she has been creating too many SNS accounts that she had to delete the others and stick to only one. She has to save though all the data before finally deleting the accounts. And she’s here sitting her ass, painstakingly saving everything even those mundane photos she treasures so much.
Save she goes and on and on and on…
She's interrupted by children wanting to sleep, wanting her to o lullabye them. Wanting her to get them snacks, whatever.
She allows herself to be interrupted. Whatever she's doing on her device will either be left for the night or be attended to again the next few hours.
Few hours before midnight, she rushes to plan what to do next. In the next hours, tomorrow. But she's slumped to the side of the room, playing a particular mindless game. While she lullabyes her children to sleep. Rather, while she rushes them to sleep. How mindless she really is.
She wishes forever to get a good night's sleep but she's on the roll to owl herself. The kids are asleep and she thinks of many things to do but then she is just not doing anything.
Maybe she is doing something. This very thing, typing about her thought and how she puts her description to words. It is quite messy, I say. But still, a good start to have a diary. An open diary at that.
I guess this is her version of the modern hermit. Being with herself. Being with others but with herself at the same time.
For the morrow let us see what she writes next.
Losing a loved one
I remember reading my Lola's article before about losing loved ones thru death, leaving a void in the heart.
I woke up to the news of the sudden death of a great figure in our town. I felt a surge of emotions from feeling of sadness to feeling a void in my heart.
The man who passed made a lot of contributions to our society and I can't help feeling helpless. It is as if he left a piece of a puzzle that we have no choice but to continue ourselves.
He may not be a person I am very close at. But he was a model in the things he had done.
Hence his passing is very saddening.
To you, Sir, you've done a great job. Thank you. Till we meet again.
Tonight will be a memory
This moment will be a treasured memory. In the years to come, I know, I will be wishing I was still here, listening to the sound of my thoughts while I sing with my favorite singers on YouTube and watch my little children while they sleep.
Inside this sliver is a priceless moment. I talk to Him while I barely get a night's sleep.
Worried by the distant or near future... Thieved by that dashing young man... Balanced by the necessities of life... Loved by God.
I gotta say I will not regret life whatever trials it will throw at me. This is life and tonight is the eventual realization that I've done good. I've done good. I've lived well enough. I've achieved just the right amount of success but this is incomparable to anybody else.
Because I have been worried by unnecessary things in the past, I am here to shoo them away.
This nigh is a night. I love life, I love this life, my life.
Thank you, God.
I could imagine the nostalgia that I will be having. These years are my babyier years. My children still young, me stuck at the house, an untoned body, and a messy house that demands cleaning.
But in here lies a sliver of romantically lived memory to be locked up in the treasure box of nostalgic longings and someday I will be having a lot of treasure to make me live on.
I am thankful for these rare points where I am able to get back to who I positively were and I could live on happily again.
The morrow lies in wait to test if I am thinking the same for the years to come but I tell that tester that I have passed in the game of life.
Tonight will be a memory, to be retrieved someyears during system downtimes of very yours truly.
Let the happy season begin
I don’t understand how a person can be unusually lonely and sad even with the company of her kids and neighbors, and also friends.
I can attest to be being unusually lonely and sad that I begin to wonder how it happens.
I am so indulgent to be reflecting about the probable causes but what I could realized is that maybe I just wanted some sort of proofing and ensuring that my future is secure. Or free from unnecessary stressors.
I hate the unpredictable future so much that I wish there is a determined formula for mine.
But I know that is not how the world works.
Certainly, the future is not certain. We can only do so much to taking advantage of forecasts, statistics, patterns, hype cycles, and the like. But we can never ascertain the future hundred percent.
Still, I had to make a way for my life to be positive. I hate it very much, the sadness and loneliness, the feeling of inadequacy, of ugliness, etc.
I think about the advices I heard and listened to before. One of which is making it a point to be grateful for everything in life.
I ought to be grateful. For my existence, for my current job, for my family, friends, neighbors, good place I dwell on, and Him, who is always there when I needed anything.
Another is that we can always create something for our lives that could make us happy always. In a sense that we do not fall into depression and we don’t slide along the slope of negativity.
I also should acknowledge that I am already here, in the blogosphere, where I could always express myself through blogging. What more could I ask for? I can write, I can express, I can always be partially anonymous. I can even earn while blogging, like now. I should be grateful, really.
So then, why don’t I begin entering the happy season of life? I can always go there, depending on my choices.
I know it will be almost impossible to always feel happiness but I believe there is always a choice in responding to our feelings.
I started going back to coffee and I think it is a contributory to my mood swings. In addition to my fear of the uncertainty. I go as many as four cups in one day and thinking I am drinking the three-in-one version.
But of course, the greatest factor for feelings of fear is the lack of monetary budget. That’s for me. I feel like I am always on edge. What if like this and that. What if I will suddenly be needing this amount, or we will be needing something new because something old has been broken, or needs to be replaced.
Again, like with my previous article, here’s to hoping I remember things. Not forget about them.
Looking back, I was most happy and contented when I sat at café’s or other romantic places, mostly with myself only, not with anyone else. I am a loner, I think. And the confidence I felt when I dropped by cafés to sip and smell and drink those cups of coffee is just incomparable. It felt like I could own my thoughts and enjoy them and I just relax and listen to the humming thing in my head. Humming happiness and fulfillment, humming joy and positivity, and the greatest is the humming of peace.
These days, for personal reasons, I am not able to do that thing. I have a baby on my lap right now, I have my other children playing with playmates. I have a lot of things to attend to with the current setup.
With the image in my mind of the future where I go back to doing what I used to do, I am already beaming with joy. Those will surely come again. For as long as life decides to stay by us in the years to come.
There’s always something to look forward to, and looking forward to enjoying good things is better than worrying something bad might happen.
With all these said, let me enter the happy season of life.
Remember not to forget
I recently noticed how forgetful I am becoming. I would say things like promises and all, including in this account that I use for blogging, I would mention things. And the next time, everything seems to be foggy in my mind.
The best solution I could think of is writing down statements I have released. Just so I could have basis for what I said earlier.
It has just got to be just notes so I wouldn't be able to get overwhelmed and throw my journal out.
If only I can just post one-minute read articles here. Ah, let us not care. I wish to post just synopsis of my thoughts from here on without going around the bush.
I hope you understand.
Here's to remembering not to forget.
Crying to the pain
When do you cry because of pain?
I have to tell you my son cries because, from time to time, his feet gets some opening due to the corn that cracks on his thumb.
His feet is also callused. The hardened surface got him aches and so he cries because of the pain.
But boy, he is stubborn and hard to tell on. That's probably the reason why he has those corns and calluses on his feet.
And does he acknowledge his mistake? I can't tell now.
I patiently explain the reason he is getting those unwanted hardies. He had to really dress up to the cold season. Socks on, sweaters always, and had to keep clean his body.
He isn't getting cough this time but the corns and calluses.
I would want to scold him real good but I know I should do it slowly and gradually to make him realize the essence of what are being told.
Hoping someday that those will eventually soften up and get those opening get back to normal skin surface on the feet.
Last night, he got those things and he continuously cried. It took hours I think.
I was watching him and imagining him grinning while I was telling him to dress up. He doesn't heed my words. And that happens.
Well, he got the whole thing from his mama. Oh, that would be me.
I don't really dress up to the cold season. In fact, I keep forgetting to wear those new sweaters and socks and thick clothes.
Maybe he got that from me but I can always do something new for him. That is, constantly reminding him of proper things to wear.
I know his stubbornness and I could relate as his mother. But we gotta change that into the better.
Instead of crying to the pain, we should instead enjoy other things like relaxing and sleeping well.
For the next days and weeks, I have to be dilligent. He must also be.
When things get better again, he will forget his pain and his cries. I will scold him hard when that happens. Reminding him of the painful things on his feet.
And to my own feet and body, I got to be careful and responsible. After all, we teach by doing.
If he will see that I am not doing my part, he will unknowingly emulate it.
It is must that I have to be loving to my feet as well.
One day, I will take him to foot spa. When he gets a little older maybe. Together with his siblings. We will be relaxing together.
Enjoying life and not always just crying to pains is what life is about. Life is a gift, and we need to find ways to make it good.
Why is it so easy to slide back?
And after all that I've said it is just easy to throw them away. I promised this and that, made some resolution to execute this or that. But when I am caught up in my emotions I forget my commitments and I just indulge in my sadness or whatever.
After all the words I spoke, words I've written, words I advised myself. After all those release of bold statements of taking a changed path, for the better, for one's own good, for a better life...
After all those... I am here, back to where I was. Back to where I've been. A cycle of promising and then promising again, and again and again but in the way going back to the way things were.
It is so easy to go back to the old ways. It is so easy to just forget about changing for the better. It is so easy to give up. It is so easy to just slump in a corner and isolate oneself. So very easy to simply freeze with the cold.
When the sun is beautiful and the people are smiling and the mood is so set, it is so hard to stick to resolutions. When they show up with good persuading aura, you just forget about the past fights.
When you pass by the windows of those nice cafes, you just enter the place like you've got money on your pocket. When you get hungry because of your supposed 'diet,' you look for the nearest place instead where you could satiate your cravings.
When you remember the olden days when you are on the roam with someone romantic, you just give way to those imaginations.
When you have what they call forgetfulness, you just kind of forget everything you've planned so hard.
But acknowledging how it is so easy to slide back eventually leads one to do better in executing the needed changes in one's life. It may not be perfect but at least, discipline is being respected.
You feel better and you're gonna be readier for some positive changes.
Well, you gotta write your journal. I gotta write a journal, a diary, or keep a planner. Discipline should be within to do the most important of all, to keep the notebook close at all times.
I would like to use a notebook or whatever writing material as my memory.
But even that, you know, it is so easy to put aside.
And that and that and that.
Saying all these and these and these.
And after all one will just easily slide back.
Hoops! Discipline! Learn from experience. Impose rules on oneself. You gotta do it. I gotta do it.
We sometimes need to be hard on ourselves at the same time painstakingly do what we can to be able to put life on the better side.
Why is it so easy to slide back? Why do we have to learn the hard way? Why do we forget past negative results and so bad things over and over?
No, not at all. It's not hard to not slide back. If we put something on to stop the slide back. Simple as that. Even if hard to execute. But reality is we can always choose the right thing to do and not blame the indulgence for the lack of discipline.
We can do this! We can! We can will our wills to happen. For our family and of course for ourselves.
If this is just part of the old cycle I will dare to break it. I may slide back a little but only for the sake of readjustment, not really to go back to square one.
A lot of reservations but no savings at all
It should be that I have a lot that was saved financially. Considering that I have a lot of reservations, a lot of things kept secret.
But I lose it every time. Instead of saving up, I buy on impulse and I rarely hold back spending money even though I am aware of the long term impact on my finances.
I would like to complain about this complexity but whom to complain? I complain only to myself.
This is the reason why I stopped using analogies about character and other aspects of life. It's not necessarily a good thing.
I ask myself why I do the things I do. I hold back a lot. I keep so many secrets. But then I do not have savings at all.
Save maybe the insurance plan I am currently paying. But that is all.
When when when will I start saving? I ask myself again. And again and again... When???
I look up above and just cry my heart out.
It seems I'm caught up with my foolishness and lack of insight and discipline.
Discipline discipline. Come to me.
I'm a pitiful being. Happy happy today and have nothing in the morrow.
I should change. It should change, the way I carry myself.
Maybe, it is impatience that is always getting me out of the way to the disciplined world.
Always, we have to be patient. In our spending, in our wait for the right person for us. Also with ourselves.
Let me take this time to express my respect for those who prudently take care of their treasures. I respect you and put you in high regard.
Also, those who are not careless with their spendings. I salute you people.
I question myself again, can't I do it as well? Time and time again I slip and go to the road of the unscrupulous.
In years to come I should lessen my reservations and increase or start rather my savings in order not to be pathetic to my own eyes.
And instead of saying I keep a lot of secrets, it's a more proper term to use the word private. Meaning that it is not that I keep secrets. I just want the concept of keeping matters as private as possible.
Their youth is my vigor, when I see them, I imagine my youth and I get vigor
A lot of growing kids, I see them. They pass by my window, sometimes my door. I look at the beautiful ones, of the healthy ones, and I get some vigor.
Time passes by me. I am no one but some strange poet. I speak in codes and I want to be understood but not. I use vague languages, I don’t go straight to the point.
When I fail to express myself into the open, I go to my shell, leaving me exasperated and sad, even depressed. But each youth that comes to grace my eyes, I see something of my young self in them and I get inspiration to move one.
Amid myself, my contradictory self, I find ways to go along the demands of the society on how to be virtual and a role model to the youth.
I honestly don’t feel so good about my adult self. I am selfish, not a good role model, and that I get angry very quickly.
I then put my eyes on young people. I sometimes, see the young boys to myself but that is just out of foolishness. That is not supposed to be.
But then, truthfully when I see the youngsters, my heart feels glad of seeing them. I imagine my younger self and I try to smile and make myself happier each day.
My being isn’t a drawing of lines and perfect figures. Rather, it is a messy painting of a child but in there lies a lot of promises. Even how I describe myself is of the young. So I have to be young at heart in order to live life at the positive portion.
Just a short sentiment
Why can't one feel enough confidence to be able to get through the tough times?
I hate it that I had to experience the so-called impostor syndrome. I wish I could get away with this. My feelings and circumstance is so much aligned with its definitions that I see online.
Well, I have to practice so that I may be more confident.
Let's believe in ourselves, guys!
We should live life with a positive mindset
It's quite depressing. You know. To live life. With today's hypes and all. We sometimes can't focus on what's worthy to be done for ourselves. Sometimes, we forget that life is a gift to be lived. We let the negative things get the best of us.
But we shouldn't sulk. We should forget negative pasts, and forgive ourselves as well as people. We should live our lives positively. We should live life on the optimistic side.
When we focus on the positive side, tendency is we will have a healthy heart. And a healthy heart will help us maintain a healthy body.
Regardless of our circumstances, when we live life positively, we will reap the rewards of being on the plus side.
I remember the times in my earlier tertiary years. I was very cynic. I was good in school, praised by my peers but I was very cynic. I was 'dark.' Sometimes, literally. The clothes that I have worn those times were of black and red almost always.
Sometimes, I would meet some elders and they would comment and advise me not to wear all black combination. Shoes, shirt, pants, even undies, they were all black or red.
The dark life was not one to brag about even though, those times, I was able to nerd myself off and solve those complex calculus problems.
But still, being on the dark side has a lot of negative effects.
One thing I experienced was being the least favorite by many of my classmates. They may befriend me at first due to my seemingly warm aura, but in time they will see how moody I am and they will realize I just want to be alone and they will be hurt and try to confront me. If not, they will be gone forever from my life.
I had a crush on one of the boys in the class of my block section. He was always trying to copy my assessment answers to which I allowed some items to be copied. But then he never returned my feelings. It was hurtful.
But maybe, I was just not his type. But still I was happy he saw me as an intellectual. If only I just taught him and not let him copy my answers.
I was so negative that I always had a problem with group activities.
Maybe the only good thing of being always worried was that I was almost never late going to school. And tried to passed my requirements on time. Save maybe those times something happened, but that would be another chapter to tell.
Anyway, during the higher years, I moved on to the dormitory of my school so that I would get away as far as possible from my elder sister. Because she was also a negatron.
At the dorm, the room I was given was a room full of unusually happy people. I was in some way irritated by their being very jolly people.
But days passed, weeks, then months then I found myself one of them. I left my nerdy self, tried to wear some colorful clothes, and watched my first K-drama.
It was fantastic. Aside from their being jolly people, they always wore positive minds and they would often laugh and joke about each other's things. They were sports to make it remarkable.
Maybe, I was one moody person for them, a negative one, and easily piqued. But I was transformed, thanks to them and a part of my mind which was open during that time. After all, I wasn't very close-minded.
I allowed myself to be reformed and I am enjoying the things I have to enjoy everytime I shift gear, from my negative side of self to my positive side of self. And it's worth noting, I do not have black or red shirt. I came to love orange and peach.
Just to be honest, gazillions of times, I retreated to my shell and resorted to my negativities. But time and again, I would realize its danger and resume my new found positivity.
Just to be clear, being a positive person does not mean a happy-go-lucky one. It is just a kind of mindset that we always anticipate nice outcomes and we hope for better times.
When we shift our gear to positivity, tendency is that we will also uplift others. So it would be quite contagious. Well, we just have to not overdo showing our positivity. Hehe. Just because, like with me before, I was sort of irritated by overly positive people.
Driving people away is my forte, my drum of holding them is broken
Driving people away is my forte. My drum of holding people might just be broken, I can't seem to let them stay long.
I might be afraid of fights in the way, and I hate misunderstandings as I hate the snake dreams that I've been having.
And why did I have snake dreams? Of all the things that should have been appearing in my dreams? Why snakes? I hate that. It amplifies the fears that I am having in these days.
Why did the snake bit me at my feet? But why didn't I feel anything at all? I saw my father dealing with the snake while I recall I first saw a slim snake forwarding towards me when the other snake bit my at my feet at my back.
I can't absolutely rely on the belief that dreams have meaning but there must be something these snake dreams are telling.
I observe that I keep driving people away from me. Even those people who had no faults towards me. Actually they are the people who I want to not see regularly because I am afraid that we will eventually have misunderstandings.
This is cowardly, I suppose. And I have to change. Change my ways and must I do it? I am not sure. It seems though that I am designed to stay alone. Except with my kids who are mine.
Am I selfish? Perhaps... I go to people when I am in need and when I don't wish to see them, I lock myself up in the world of aloneness.
*Photo credits to Unsplash*
There are those who love to come to me. For whatever purpose they might have, I see them smiling, telling me they miss me.
There is this in-law who declares that I am her favorite. Then stays for a brief time then afterwards I see the demon coming out of her. And I have to dismiss her out of my life any way I can. Then the pattern continues everytime she comes to me.
Another person, who supposedly is my partner in life, was driven away by me physically so that I could have my freedom of aloneness. And so that I could write nonstop without that person trying to tell me what to do in my life. That is what I hated the most.
Even my neighbors whom I go to when I need people to talk to, I shut them off my life from time to time. That is just selfish and I have to change.
Change to what? Change to not drive them away. I will do my best to keep things smooth and just enjoy companionship with them. When things go sour, I just have to acknowledge that things happen.
It's not within our control, not all things are within our control. Sometimes, we have to accept that fights and misunderstandings happen. All we can do is try to ask for forgiveness or accept apologies. But it's unhealthy to always avoid people just because of the fear of losing them in a bad way.
What is going to happen will happen anyway. Being defensive is not a good option. Let's just enjoy life then. Enjoy the people and not drive them away, especially those who are dearest to us.
But when I...
Some friends and relatives and even in-laws are so diligent in pointing out your flaws. They do it to a point that you feel yourself wavering from the things you believe in.
One day, you just decided to stop talking altogether and just smile and play safe so no one would criticize you again.
Then bam! Another type of something emerges. They question you for suddenly going inside your shell. They wonder why you do not seem to be yourself. They make speculations and suspect you are going through something.
They become suddenly worried that you might not be okay. Then you have no choice but to be yourself again. Then the cycle continues.
Once and for all you try to break the cycle. Either you confront them and be honest with how you feel, or become indifferent to them and do things that will quiet them down.
It's just annoying, you know. But you have to live with it because you also kind of understand.
At some point you did the same to some people. Criticizing them, saying lousy things about them, pointing out their flaws. Then suddenly when they retreated to their inner prisons, you questioned them even more.
Such is the happenings of life. The cycle is perhaps where we get to learn a lot of things. Until we master what we are deemed to do. It polishes our character until eventually we will be more matured and diplomatic in our dealings.
It is easy to be discouraged by others. But when we finally learn our strengths and weaknesses, we will be able to know what we could do in almost every situation.
One of the most challenging scenario would be when it is the spouse that constantly criticizes us. We can't simply ditch our spouses especially when we have kids of our own. Worse is when the children inherit the pointing out of flaws of others. So we should also show how to nicely rebut the criticizing wife or husband so the kids will learn how to fend for themselves when they are treated unfairly.
When we learn to change our ways, we will lessen the probability of people resigning from sharing their hearts to others. It is when we truly care that we do something good for our society.
We have to learn nice words and uplifting ones. Instead of harshly commenting or sarcastically pointing out other people's flaws, we have to do things in a way that we are of help to others build themselves up. There has to be ways on how to do things nicely. Just be pleasant as you can be.
"...but when I kept quiet, they wondered what went into me. They criticize me when I am myself, but when I just silently live my life, they probe deeper how to get me..."
I guess, people are just so hard to understand sometimes. But that's is life and we ought to understand life. Or not.
The best way then to live is to keep practicing how to be of service to others and how to be pleasant and good. If we are diligent and nice, tendency is that our criticisms will be lessened.
And yes, as they say, we shouldn't be afraid of criticisms. It may just be a way of balancing things out. Instead of getting discouraged, we should try even more. Try harder. But when our hardest doesn't seem to be enough, it's time we take it easy.
Of course, we also shouldn't make it a habit to be criticizing others. We experienced the hurtful criticisms, we should learn our lesson and not take it out on others.
Changes I am in awe of
I could still remember the gazillions of questions I have had running in my mind the first time I came face to face with crypto. I wasn't really face to face with crypto but I was so much puzzled when I first learned about it.
Thanks to my dear good friend, who made me come here to write. I have finally learned about crypto and I have now a basic knowledge about its founding concepts.
The zero-knowledge proof is one concept that got me in awe. How could things be verified without ever divulging anything to the players?
And then came intelligently creative people who saw the value of all of these and the Maths that were applicable to such concepts. I guess they were unwavering when they integrated things and came up with cryptocurrency.
The methods they used were quite astonishing like how they could make it an open source where anyone could improve their works.
I am rather overwhelmed nowadays by the number of coins and altcoins. When I open my wallet, I could see a lot of options on where to trade my fiat. Nevertheless, I am presented with a lot of opportunities to earn and grow. Favorite is the BCH. It is hard not to love this coin especially when you are earning it in this very site.
I am looking for ways to genuinely support this cryptocurrency and if only it were that simple to put into reality the visions that the anonymous man had when he created bitcoin. The split was all worth it considering the direction the original went to.
There are still a lot in store for the cryptoworld and I wonder how I could ever be of significance to the important changes that will still come.
Honestly, I convert my earnings here to fiat especially that time I was so much in need. I am still learning the art of timing so that in the long run I would be able to take advantage of the earnings.
You know what? I am in awe as well of the applications of mathematical concepts in the direction that the crypto market is taking. I am not quite sure about the type of graph our crypto is following but I am sure that it is mathematical.
There are a lot to learn and it may take a lifetime to finally have a full grasp of the crypto thing but it is a worthy learning experience.
A place so sweet to cry and hide
This is a place so sweet for me to come and cry and hide my tears from everyone. The bittersweet tears I taste that flows from my eyes to my face.
I'm thankful for the memories, and for the goodbyes and the tears.
I like the goodbyes despite the tears. It makes me do other things that I need to do.
I like the tears. It clears my eyes from debris.
When no one is permitted to know my heart, I simply come here to confess. To the canvas, to the device, to the keypad, to the screen. And they become busy helping me write my soul out.
And no one complains. If they ever get destroyed, it would be because of outside reason but not of my cries. So I try to treasure them in return.
And technology is ought to be praised also. No, the minds behind rather.
These awesome invention, they were invented to help with communication. And communication isn't only about directly speaking to people. And sometimes, all that a person needs is to be heard, not even to be listened to.
And when we use such technologies to our advantage, we get rid of heavy hearts and we continue to smile despite the bittersweetness of life.
When I go near the fire to extinguish the coldness of the flesh, I think of bringing a device on my lap. But I am afraid it will be lost to the fire and so I should also take precaution of the cons.
Nevertheless, these awesome inventions are a place for me, such a sweet place to unload the dramas of life. We all need some sort of romance and drama and if we aren't welcome to show the act for such matters, we can always run to our places of comfort.
It may be a temporary thing but at least we aren't eaten by depression and too much sadness because we have a way of indulging our bitter sweet emotions.
Sad thought of uncertainty and philosophy that makes things bearable
In this lifetime, I don't know if I will ever see you again.
*Photo credits: Unsplash*
The thought of uncertainty makes me look away in sadness. Does it make me any prettier to be missing you this way?
And if I openly miss you, what will I get from it?
Certainly, life understands the predicament of people like me. But right is right and wrong is wrong.
No matter how understanding the universe is, there is always a clear judgment.
Million times I told myself to move on. Like the water that goes on even after incompletely washing away one's tears.
I told myself to be happy by myself, not because I am alone but because I created a life of loneliness.
I shouldn't blame myself. I turn to philosophising.
I tell myself, surely there is something that will make me truly happy. That happinness not based on desires and longings but of inside assurance of oneself worth.
I deserve to be happy, too. Despite the unsound decisions I made for my life.
And so what should make me happy?
I wonder what it could be.
I seek for answers within myself and the things I've known before.
I will be happy of the thought of uncertainty.
It is helpless but in uncertainty, there will always be things to look forward to. But I will just put that beside me just to have some gear to push me forward with a smile.
It may never happen but it will always be possible. And that thought will do me good for the present.
For sure I will wrench again of impatience. But I will collect myself and focus on improving myself. I will, with head held high, will smile at life. And enjoy what it will have to offer.
And who knows what the future brings? Who knows what the turn of events will be? Who knows what will happen?
When we meet again I will be prepared. I will be prepared to know how to act in front of you. Not some act of missing but of dignified one. I have to. I will have to.
But if I ever see you again, I will tell myself to be contented by just the sight of you. No sense making a fool of myself. Not fair stealing your heart once more 'cause by now I'm sure you are having a life of your own.
Too late to realize what needed to be realized. And if I go back once more, I would have hesitated still. So no sense as well blaming myself for the decisions I made.
Just gratitude is what I will offer the one above. Forgiveness is what I ask for my silly thoughts.
I pray that I will also get what I deserve. The bliss of life I long for. I know He's listening.
Like how I wait for summer
The rays of the sun coming from the unrepaired gap of the window radiates through my heart and my whole being is given warmth.
I like the sun and I am in love with summer. The summer is in months away but I stand here expecting it.
What's with aging that I get foreign feelings with things I used to feel a him with. Except summer. Still the same. Will be.
As of writing time, it's December. I get a lot of cold winds thru my system but the sun is not forgetful to come warm my soul.
Let me miss you through this days. So when you come, summer, I will love you even more.
Come sit with me, as we brave the cold of December. Let us wait patiently, feeling the breeze and watching the people.
When our favourite time comes we will lay in the open and bathe in the summer sun.
This is like waiting for someone dear to us. To come and embrace us and shower us with euphoria.
There is someone that this poor soul is missing. He is like a balm that soothes my lips but then we never kissed.
I realized he is the one I should have waited. He checked on me again at one time but that time was too late. I fooled around giving away my heart to people undeserving and I equally don't deserve them.
In this life I will just have to always wait for summer. In summer I can always be in love like I am always with you.
I passed by your town and I saw the remarkable shape of your place. How I wish to linger for a while. But forever in this lifetime I shouldn't dare dream of you.
So summer it is I should just always wait. And in waiting there is soul in there.
Do you mind if I peek into your mind?
Mind reading is the specialty of some people. Perhaps, of many people. I'm joking.
But, if I may ask you: "Are you a mind reader? If yes, how accurate is your reading?"
Well, we can't really tell exactly what goes on a person's mind. And we should never judge or force out our opinion regarding what a person is thinking.
This will create unnecessary issues that we aren't sure how to resolve.
It's funny though how people assume so much about another without verifying from the person themselves.
We know, we know that we have our observations but doing things in process, if possible, legal process will make it safer.
We never know as well how others will retaliate if we simply assume what they are thinking and we act as if we know them well.
So do I mind if you peek into my mind?
My answer is, I don't mind. Just make sure not to force your opinion on me. You may be able to see what you see but you don't have any right to judge me. I have already been judged and I am being punished for my mistakes.
Likewise, I will peek into your mind occasionally but gone are those days that I act like I know others.
Respect is a line that is drawn between two people to make relationships better.
I used to be guilty of guessing a lot of others' lot. I shouldn't have done that. I guess it is so much better for things to come from owners rather than from others.
Example, instead of Leni guessing what's on Robie's mind, she must ask the question from the person. Even if Robie will not be a hundred percent honest, at least Leni asked and she did not guess. She should just respect Robie.
There are times that a misunderstanding happen just because instead of confronting others, we tell for ourselves what we observe is happening. Instead of asking for explanation, we just assume what we wanted to assume.
Experience will tell us that we shouldn't settle for what we see. We have to be patient and let other's unfold what they are keeping. If not, we can't pressure them to do so.
Complaints from consuming too much sugary and junk food
It just happened, you know. I ate this and that. From what I saw, real and virtually. I recreated appetites and moments about eating food. I craved so much. I craved for more. I craved some more.
I braved too many spicy noodles. I tasted foods with unusual sauce—fish sauce, cheese sauce, soy sauce, vinegar sauce, even those odorous sauce. I declared that I loved natural foods but consumed so many unnatural ones.
I bet I am too gullible and experimental these days.
I fried my food, I boiled just the same. I put too much salt and oil and I removed them through water intake.
I was skinny before. You can say thin as well. I ate sparingly when I had no money for it or I exercised a plenty. Do you believe if I say I weigh half of my weight now? That was decades ago.
But what difference does that make? I can just do just before right?
Now I am fat and unshapely. I put too much weight on. I basically lost the touch of my youth and probably look much much older than how I should look.
They call me aunt even though I should be called a younger title. But that is the least of my concern.
What I am bothered with now is my growing belly that has no baby in it. They told me to wear girdle but I just can’t tolerate the itchy effect of the material. I told myself to exercise it off but then I keep forgetting about physical exercise.
Another thing that gets me is my unusually foul smelling breath that I needed to take extra amount of water and that I needed to brush more than usual (in my dreams!).
I used to despise eating of a lot of junk foods and unnecessary consumption. But look at me now! I am even worse than those previous examples.
I bet we grow bored from leading a very normal life that we deviate very much.
I do hope I will be able to get rid of this unhealthy lifestyle and start anew.
It will take real discipline to eliminate unnecessary consumption. For example, I have to turn deaf to my evil dictator that tells me to buy noodles from convenience stores.
I have to turn a blind eye to those dazzling advertisement about how to eat snacks.
I have to say no to those many invitations because of birthdays and the like. But how thick of me, after enjoying such foods.
Well, to be fair with sugary and junky foods, I have to say it is a person's responsibility to eat healthily. Therefore, let us stop blaming it on other things.
It's not too late, while there's a way, we can always do it. We will be able to do it, living healthily. Yes, once in a while, we still indulge with sugar and junk. But keep it mind to clean up afterwards. Drink water, exercise, fast, and the like.
We shouldn't fear negative assessment
People are sometimes ironic, weird, and hard to understand.
We tell them good things and they feel like we are having a good time teasing. We tell them bad things, then they retort. We don't give comment, and they wonder why we are so quiet. And so on... This is not excluding myself.
If we are not careful, we might find ourselves at a loss for this reality of life. It's not a single person's fault why this happens. We collectively create this kind of reality.
Therefore, it is up to each individual to brace himself for life's funny realities.
But most of all, we shouldn't fear negative evaluation of our characters, performances, and the like.
We should feel grateful if someone tells us what they notice about us. But warning is to not let the negativities get to us. We have to take them as challenges to improve ourselves.
On the other hand, we as evaluators of others shouldn't just say what we ought to say. We also have to be polite and courteous. We never know how our words impact others. It is always best to be an inspiration rather than a source of depression or sadness of others.
Ultimately, we really shouldn't take negative assessments negatively. It should be a tool for us to continue reflecting on ourselves. So that in the future, we become improved version of ourselves.
I remember one time before when we decided to collaborate for a research study. I was partnered with someone and I guess she was the one who did most of the work. My contributions, I postponed giving it until such time I felt like I never contributed a single thing.
Why didn't I contribute? It must be because of the fear of receiving criticisms for what I have contributed. I super lacked confidence. Thinking back. I shouldn't just have joined that collaboration in the first place if I wasn't contributing.
I contributed but it was mostly on the sorting of questionnaires and giving a comment or two when our leader asked questions. Well, let's just be good with that. At least we did not have absolute zero contribution. So that would be more than enough.
That research was published and it was searchable over the net. Whenever I look at it, I don't quite know what to feel. Should I be proud or not?
It's true, if you were not able to do your best, you aren't very much proud of something. I should have given my contributions even if those were to be questioned. Who knows, they may not have been. They may have had made the paper even better.
But no point talking about spilled milk, just the lesson from such experience.
Still, it is really a hard thing to deal with negative criticisms. There are stages to acceptance.
Very hopeful that society will promote positivity instead of retorting immediately to negative assessments.
It will be our collective effort that will bring forth goodness into this world.
So cheer up and don't let negativity get to you. It's time to rise and shine! Don't you think so, my friend?
Have a nice day!
But it's romantic.
Living away from each other. Anticipating the next time you see one another. Living far away, enduring, waiting, and waiting.
But it's romantic. Your confidence that your loved one will have you as his/her one and only. And it makes you radiant thinking about the moments you shared.
I just finished watching one of the popular dramas that teens love these days.
Two people accidentally met due to an accident. But apparently, there were dangers encircling the circumstance that they've met.
One wrong decision and everything would have gone ugly.
For some reason, the military man who caught the lady, who got into the accident, didn't shoot the lady on the spot which should have been the protocol of their nation.
Still, the lady, unknowing of what lies ahead, confidently ran away thinking that she went into the right direction away from the area where she landed. Only to find out she went farther away from the boundary.
To cut the story short, the military man and the lady fell for each other despite the danger of their relationship.
To cut it even shorter, the lady eventually goes back to her original country but the military man found a way to go to her and they had good times. Time came when they really needed to get separated.
And that's where the bittersweet part came. The man told the lady beforehand that they will still meet someday, somehow. He gave the lady a plant that she will grow and told the lady that they will soon meet someday in the country where the plant grows. At that time, the lady was still puzzled until she saw that the plant was something that grew into the land where they unexpectedly met way way before their supposed first encounter.
So the accident was not the first time they met.
Year after year, the lady went to the country where she may be found by the man.
She waited until such time that the man eventually found her and they continued to romance. Sweet, bitter, bittersweet. But it's romantic.
The waiting game makes the romance so beautiful. The longing you feel while so unsure whether or not you will indeed see each other again. How you wish you could hold your loved on...
And in every passing moment, you will gather more sense in finally meeting the one you love.
I can't just wait forever for the wind to blow for my sake
I eventually stopped trying so hard with my life. I felt fed up with all the pressures and unrealistic expectations. So many pressures here and there. So many unrealistic expectations every so often. From people who care and from people who do not care.
For once, I wanted to be true to my feelings. To do the things that I really wanted to do. And to relax and just enjoy life. Without the pressures from them people. From anyone.
But then, I feel some emptiness inside. I feel lost somehow. I don't know my real purpose. It seems I just wanted to eat and live life until I die a natural death. Is life called life without problems?
In any story that we follow, there is always the beginning, the development of the story, the climax, the resolution and the end. If everything's settled and okay, then it means it has ended. Has my life ended then?
I am not so sure anymore what is natural to do. Is studying, letting kids study, going with the flow that the society made the right things to do?
And if I decide to do things by myself, what do I know? Do I have a backbone? Do I have what it take to start things from scratch?
I slumped to one side of the house. And thought long hard what I should do?
I let out a sigh and went back to my life, happy go lucky. Or maybe, I just didn't want the thought to eat me up.
I thought, I will just wait for inspiration. I will just wait for passion to surface and I will do grand things.
But whom am I fooling? I am just fooling myself.
But it is also true. I have to start from the beginning. And this time, I wish to have Him to guide me on my decisions and plans. Who are we without Him? Who are we without Him who is the one giving us everything.
I sometimes think of succumbing to the thought of just being a robot. To get away with the struggle of planning about life. I can just get up in the morning, plan my day or week or month or how I go about my life, and wait for my children to be independent and just enjoy life until the day that I perish.
But what purpose will that life serve? I bet I really need to do something about my condition.
At the very least, I will feel grateful. No, I should feel delighted! I shouldn't take things for granted.
What does writing here mean? On this very platform? I am given the opportunity to look for a purpose in life. The mere fact that I am writing here has a lot of meaning.
I should then pick the pieces of my life and sort them out and try to live life meaningfully and fruitfully.
Come to think of it... It seems I have become arrogant. What right to I have to complain? And if I have the time to complain, I should have time as well to do better things for my family.
I have hurt my family. Both sides. Both parties. I should at least make up to them by being down to earth. To save up money. To show them that I have changed for the better. And that I am not just someone who is a trouble to them.
So let it be that I will indulge for now. To relax and clear my mind. But afterwards I should move forward and face life and stop running away. I did enough of the running. I think it's time to be realistic and to accept whatever flaw I have and not be sorry about it but try to do something about it to improve myself.
At this point, I should think about my future, my family's future. I shouldn't be just thinking of myself.
Modesty is good. But too much of it is arrogance.
It's okay to live in the shadows. But think of the people who see you as their light.
It's okay to stop making a living. But think of your talent and what it could do to help others.
It's okay to be indifferent once in a while. But too much of it will hurt people. It might even leave wounds, too deep to heal in this lifetime.
It's okay not to be okay. As many people try to say. But not to do something in order to be okay is not okay.
So think more of common good, before you keep on with your selfishness.
And this is more of a self advice than advice to others.
Talking to relieve stress
I just found out that I could also relieve my stress by simply talking. That is, discussing and explaining things to young people. A scenario where I am the one who talks mainly while my audience interact with me once in a while.
But of course, you have to talk about something that you know, or something you are expert on. I am not expert at what I discussed the past few days but at least that I understand the basics and that I could communicate what I know because I know the language that I was using.
It is required that you enjoy what you are talking about because it will even make you do some sorts of exercise like when you use your facial expressions and you use your hands for actions and emphasis.
Before doing the talking, I would say it will help that you feel good about yourself first. Try taking a bath, brushing your teeth and using make up. Well, I wasn't in my best appearance when I was doing the talking but anyway, it was a virtual talking and the camera was not turned on. I was using Zoom app.
Sometimes, I do not wish to speak at all for the sake of not committing errors in my speech but I find myself devastated if I don't talk at all. I have to at least go somewhere to unload.
One perk of having small children is that, despite the added workload because of their tantrums and all, I could fool around with them and play with them and have fun with them, talk to them and laugh hard with them.
It would be very simplistic to say that talking shoos stress away but at the very least it could relieve stress. Imagine you bottling all the stress inside you that anytime you would just explode like a bomb, hurting people and loved ones. Then it would be better to gradually talk things away to at least lessen the stress inside us.
@ideallife
