I eventually stopped trying so hard with my life. I felt fed up with all the pressures and unrealistic expectations. So many pressures here and there. So many unrealistic expectations every so often. From people who care and from people who do not care.
For once, I wanted to be true to my feelings. To do the things that I really wanted to do. And to relax and just enjoy life. Without the pressures from them people. From anyone.
But then, I feel some emptiness inside. I feel lost somehow. I don't know my real purpose. It seems I just wanted to eat and live life until I die a natural death. Is life called life without problems?
In any story that we follow, there is always the beginning, the development of the story, the climax, the resolution and the end. If everything's settled and okay, then it means it has ended. Has my life ended then?
I am not so sure anymore what is natural to do. Is studying, letting kids study, going with the flow that the society made the right things to do?
And if I decide to do things by myself, what do I know? Do I have a backbone? Do I have what it take to start things from scratch?
I slumped to one side of the house. And thought long hard what I should do?
I let out a sigh and went back to my life, happy go lucky. Or maybe, I just didn't want the thought to eat me up.
I thought, I will just wait for inspiration. I will just wait for passion to surface and I will do grand things.
But whom am I fooling? I am just fooling myself.
But it is also true. I have to start from the beginning. And this time, I wish to have Him to guide me on my decisions and plans. Who are we without Him? Who are we without Him who is the one giving us everything.
I sometimes think of succumbing to the thought of just being a robot. To get away with the struggle of planning about life. I can just get up in the morning, plan my day or week or month or how I go about my life, and wait for my children to be independent and just enjoy life until the day that I perish.
But what purpose will that life serve? I bet I really need to do something about my condition.
At the very least, I will feel grateful. No, I should feel delighted! I shouldn't take things for granted.
What does writing here mean? On this very platform? I am given the opportunity to look for a purpose in life. The mere fact that I am writing here has a lot of meaning.
I should then pick the pieces of my life and sort them out and try to live life meaningfully and fruitfully.
Come to think of it... It seems I have become arrogant. What right to I have to complain? And if I have the time to complain, I should have time as well to do better things for my family.
I have hurt my family. Both sides. Both parties. I should at least make up to them by being down to earth. To save up money. To show them that I have changed for the better. And that I am not just someone who is a trouble to them.
So let it be that I will indulge for now. To relax and clear my mind. But afterwards I should move forward and face life and stop running away. I did enough of the running. I think it's time to be realistic and to accept whatever flaw I have and not be sorry about it but try to do something about it to improve myself.
At this point, I should think about my future, my family's future. I shouldn't be just thinking of myself.
Modesty is good. But too much of it is arrogance.
It's okay to live in the shadows. But think of the people who see you as their light.
It's okay to stop making a living. But think of your talent and what it could do to help others.
It's okay to be indifferent once in a while. But too much of it will hurt people. It might even leave wounds, too deep to heal in this lifetime.
It's okay not to be okay. As many people try to say. But not to do something in order to be okay is not okay.
So think more of common good, before you keep on with your selfishness.
And this is more of a self advice than advice to others.
