Driving people away is my forte, my drum of holding them is broken

Driving people away is my forte. My drum of holding people might just be broken, I can't seem to let them stay long.

I might be afraid of fights in the way, and I hate misunderstandings as I hate the snake dreams that I've been having.

And why did I have snake dreams? Of all the things that should have been appearing in my dreams? Why snakes? I hate that. It amplifies the fears that I am having in these days.

Why did the snake bit me at my feet? But why didn't I feel anything at all? I saw my father dealing with the snake while I recall I first saw a slim snake forwarding towards me when the other snake bit my at my feet at my back.

I can't absolutely rely on the belief that dreams have meaning but there must be something these snake dreams are telling.

I observe that I keep driving people away from me. Even those people who had no faults towards me. Actually they are the people who I want to not see regularly because I am afraid that we will eventually have misunderstandings.

This is cowardly, I suppose. And I have to change. Change my ways and must I do it? I am not sure. It seems though that I am designed to stay alone. Except with my kids who are mine.

Am I selfish? Perhaps... I go to people when I am in need and when I don't wish to see them, I lock myself up in the world of aloneness.

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There are those who love to come to me. For whatever purpose they might have, I see them smiling, telling me they miss me.

There is this in-law who declares that I am her favorite. Then stays for a brief time then afterwards I see the demon coming out of her. And I have to dismiss her out of my life any way I can. Then the pattern continues everytime she comes to me.

Another person, who supposedly is my partner in life, was driven away by me physically so that I could have my freedom of aloneness. And so that I could write nonstop without that person trying to tell me what to do in my life. That is what I hated the most.

Even my neighbors whom I go to when I need people to talk to, I shut them off my life from time to time. That is just selfish and I have to change.

Change to what? Change to not drive them away. I will do my best to keep things smooth and just enjoy companionship with them. When things go sour, I just have to acknowledge that things happen.

It's not within our control, not all things are within our control. Sometimes, we have to accept that fights and misunderstandings happen. All we can do is try to ask for forgiveness or accept apologies. But it's unhealthy to always avoid people just because of the fear of losing them in a bad way.

What is going to happen will happen anyway. Being defensive is not a good option. Let's just enjoy life then. Enjoy the people and not drive them away, especially those who are dearest to us.