Diary of the modern hermit – a long Monday day

The pain has etched down my veins. Permanently? Perhaps.

Why did I do those foolish things? Why did I not compute my gains or losses? And I threw myself to the wild and they gnawed on my remains.

I could still smell the stench of that imaginary place. Where I let myself get rotten in greed and negativities.

I hold my head high when I go to places but I lower it when my brain recalls what I went through. All because of my foolishness and pride and maybe, inherited curses.

Seriously, what has been wrong with me? I keep asking why I let myself slip through that deep pit I thought I wouldn’t be able to come out ever again.

I feel my soul dwindle in shame of those happenings.

When will I forget? When will I finally recover? When will I be able to heal from my own wounds and calluses?

Has it been etched really forever and ever?

Truly, I’m thankful, dear Lord above. You have rescued me from my pains and sufferings. You are to be exalted. Thank you for your mercy.

I remind myself to be meek, to keep the lowest profile of the low. To live as if I am a neutral being. That I exist but I don’t affect or get the attention of anyone.

I keep trying to be a neuter if that is at all possible for someone like me.

In this writings, I am remaining anonymous. Thanks to the people behind this platform, I could live as someone I like in contrast to being a neuter-trying-to-be in real life. But you won’t ever guess I am who I am in my physical state and in what I am thinking.

Am I beginning to finally understand that book I have been reading for ages but haven’t had the urge to finish? Probably because it is a digital copy and reading through the screen for the whole night is just so inconvenient and unenjoyable. I demand the printed copy. But I need to do something for me to be able to obtain it.

In that manuscript I am beginning to get my understanding be aligned with it. That the outside might not be the inside and that the inside is not necessarily reflected on the outside. It must depend on other things. Life isn’t as simple as a square geometry drawing.

And in my mind, I keep tracing those tragic events in my life when I allowed myself to be pulled in that zone for what seems like a lifetime but I am very much thankful to Him that I am still alive. And has the potential to go back to how things used to be. Perhaps never anymore but I am alive.

I keep getting help from the inside contents of some people I read here. Because they may be the same as me. Having gone through same level as I went through. But we aren’t so sure about that.

But lest I forget, I would like to keep on mourning for my pseudo death when I felt like I died those times. I cannot remember anymore how many nights I kept praying that I will be out of that mess I have created. I failed to remember how I was able to temporarily forget those.

There were few months when I observed that it was as if I never experienced such things. And I condone myself for having the nerve to live like normal. I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t. Or not yet anyway. I have to atone for what I have done. I have to give back to those who helped me. I have to do that lest I will feel really dead for real.

So let me live a hermit life at least. That is the best for now, thinking that I am not allowing myself to live a normal life like before. I have to pay for years and years. Hoping that time will come when I feel I have done enough to make up for my foolishness.

And I ask you, Lord, for mercy and guidance in helping me achieve my humane goals. I am not being too hard on myself. But sometimes, we just really need to really show ourselves that we meant to redeem ourselves not only for anyone but for the universal truths that we are seeking. It’s the truth that things must be done whether they tell us to or not. It’s for healing in the long run. It’s for authentic forgiveness of ourselves and for peace within our minds.