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Just yesterday I mentioned to my son that I hardly ever remember the dreams I have during my night's rest, but last night instead of a dream I had a nightmare and it’s one of the worst I have ever had in my life. This is what happened in my nightmare.
I remember walking with a group of people and we are crossing a mighty river, there were many rocks where you had to go to avoid falling into the water. At the other end of the river and when the end of the route was reached there was some sort of bridge that had to be passed, but there were people sitting on the rocks which made it a bit difficult to climb and the people who wanted to go down to where we stood also found that same difficulty.
Finally the seated people got up to allow one to pass from side to side, it was when my son arrived, he was on the bridge and he carried some things in his hands, a lot of weight. I told him to let it go because it was too much for him. He looked to be 9 years old in that dream and he carried my office gown and a handbag that made him bend his little body due to the weight.
I went to the other side where he was waiting, but somehow he moved and tried to go to the side I was next to the river while carrying all that weight with him, but he took a bad step and fell into the water. He looked at me and with his face told me he did not pass, I threw myself on the water to reach him and rescue him, looking at the clarity of the water and realizing he was falling slowly towards the bottom of the river, with his back to the ground while he was looking at me as he fell with his tearful face and waiting for me with his open arms.
I thought as I struggled to submerge, why not try to stand up and swim out of the water? I tried to submerge myself and the water brought me back up, I tried 3 times.
I saw his face, crying and waiting for me and I would not, could not, come down. I was nearing the middle of the way and again the water was pushing me up. It was when I saw some sort of drain, a channel there under the water of the river that was sucking him up, while he was not fighting against that suction and I couldn’t reach him.
The suction took him away and while I was going down and up because the water brought me back up, I remember thinking: I don't care if I drown but I'm going to go find my son. If I don't have him, I have nothing. And I submerged myself, but it was useless, the water pushed me back again.
I had this feeling of emptiness in me, no one else helped me find my son in the water. Only I fought to look for him and I didn’t succeed, and now I was left empty inside. My son was everything to me and I couldn't protect him and he was gone forever. I didn’t feel sadness or pain. I just felt that inside I was left with nothing. Like a hole where my vital organs used to be. How would I live without him if it was for him that I lived?
I still remember my nightmare and I know that I didn’t cry or despair when I saw that I couldn’t dive further to reach him, but I do remember the empty space inside of me. I think it was like a kind of inner death. After having everything with him I no longer had anything without him.
Now I’m crying when writing down this nightmare, because I feel that it’s a great truth, not that he has drowned but that it’s the only thing I have left and what keeps me alive and fighting. I live every day for him, for him to achieve his goals and achieve his objectives.
I don't know why I had this nightmare, are things that come into our dreams trying to tell us something? I don't know what this dream meant to me. But I thank God that it’s only a dream and that I continue to accompany my son on his own journey and until the end of mine comes and not the other way around.