It was an unusual day but at the same time it was one of those days when the feeling you get when you wake up is that you are broken inside. You feel the negativity in the air… or is it just in my mind that everything is so black...?
It doesn't matter! Whether it's outside or inside my mind I feel it's one of those days....
To feel sad, miserable, abandoned, you just have to be on this plane. Otherwise you wouldn't feel anything but bad or good.
I don’t understand how there can be people who see everything well, the sky falls on them and they say that everything is beautiful... wake up, gentlemen! Life is also dark and I would say much darker than what so many people say they see.
I continue on my way but nothing encourages me, I walk through the park, kicking at little things I find along the way. Leaves are falling from the trees…
Why don't they fall all at once…? no, they do it in a slow fall, as if slowly saying goodbye to the tree where they stayed for so long. They are falling and make a gentle swaying motion... goodbye, goodbye they seem to say.
I hate the leaves of the trees that don’t end up falling to the ground. Then the road is full of infinite dry leaves, brown, yellow, red, they lose their color. They lost their life.
…If they thought they would say something similar to what I am saying right now… what a bleak life, so dark, so full of death!
Why did I decide to walk here? Why did I decide to walk through this park that has so much death in its appearance? I’m not well, I feel bad... I feel that everyone is against me, I feel that everything is against me, even the park itself throws me the dead leaves of its youth.
I walk and walk along the path, not knowing where I'm going, but nothing stops me. My steps are thirsty for the path. I just want it to take me away from this sorrow, from seeing and feeling death so close.
The breeze is cold, it touches my forehead and cheeks and I feel the drops falling from my eyes and sliding down the corner of my nose to my lips, to taste the salty flavor of loneliness.
I feel like I’m dead in life. I feel like I'm a sleep walker, my feelings are coming to my skin and making it more sensitive. I can't take it anymore. Life ends with me... as the tree changes its leaves, change my life and take me to live in oblivion. I want my body to leave me and go to the place where I should never have left.
I kept walking down the path and then I saw her, there she was sitting on a lonely seat on the path. She looked at me and I looked at her, she wasn't scared, on the contrary she smiled at me. As if she was inviting me in.
I approached because I had no other choice. The seat is in the middle of the path. I greeted her and she greeted me.
I asked her… “Aren't you afraid of being alone and me passing by and seeing you?”
She smiled and showed her beautiful perfect teeth, white teeth just to tell me… nothing scares me anymore!
It left a strange feeling in my mind that invited me to ask… “There are so many bad things that have happened to you and that's why nothing scares you anymore?”
She smiled again, slowly tilting her face, she must be 25 years old, no more than that. Delicate dark circles under her eyes give a touch of mystery to her pale complexion.
“Can I sit down for a while?” And she answers... “Sure, come in, you are at home!”
It was nice, and, after a while, between laughter and things without much importance, I asked her why she was not afraid of anything, to which she looked at me with her pretty light green eyes and says:
“I have already gone through two deathly situations and now I am starting a third. When I lived through the first one in my life I almost died of fright, then to try to cope with the scare I had to live my most terrible experience, but I succeeded, I won and spent several years trying to forget the matter”
Then the nightmare came back to me again, she came back again one morning and wanted to take me out of my stability but I fought so that it would not affect me too much, and...
I spent about three years freeing myself from frustrations and trying to be happy with what I had. I traveled to many places, I forgot my trauma. I smiled as much as I could, I loved so many people I could relate to, I was with all the people I love the most and I have enjoyed every moment of my life in these three years.
But just now, just two days ago, something hit me and then I received the news that my sickness came back… And that now he was here to stay, until he doesn't finish with my life he won't leave.
But… it doesn't affect me anymore. Nothing disturbs me anymore, now I am at peace with myself and the world. I used to live frustrated and blaming everything and everyone for what happened to me. Not anymore, if it is what I have to live, I’ll do it with dignity. No one is to blame for anything. Everything is an experience that some of us have to go through and it is up to us to know how to deal with it or to let ourselves go through it. I knew how to carry it.
Now I am free, I live at a pace that many people at this point never did. No, I am not afraid of anyone, because I overcame my greatest fear. Cancer… Wanted to take me in the first fight, I resisted it and then it came back to warn me... "It’s you or me" it told me, and I decided to take it.
I got through my treatment and enjoyed it as much as I could.
Now he's back for me and I'm calm… I have to wait for the day, the hour and the moment, but in the meantime here I am enjoying a perfect morning.
When have you seen such a peaceful morning?
When you've seen the leaves fall from the trees and still they fall dancing, swaying and then on the ground they talk to each other, they make very loud sounds, they leave their tree and meet here and they are friends and group together!
When have you heard the cool breeze blowing past your face and let its whisper in your ear just for you, to relax and to refresh your tiredness.
There are many wonders of life and we don't see them because we don't understand its language and we don't want to understand it.
I am happy and I am not afraid of anything.
…At that moment someone arrived and took her out of her beautiful story, yes, she told it so emotionally that I felt like hugging her but I restrained myself.
The person who arrived, greeted and immediately gave her a cane, she leaned on it and said goodbye with a big smile. Slowly and leaning on the person who came to pick her up she lost herself walking on the path. She was always talking and laughing… I could hear her laughter in the distance.
I decided to retrace my steps. Something broke deep inside me. My life would never be the same.
I was alive, I had my legs, I had never even had a cold because I was born immune to that stuff. I had a family that I never called, and I had friends that I never thanked for their friendship.
It sounds crazy to me but this experience… hearing a person not complain while dying extinguished my own way of dying while living.
It is different from all the other articles that I read from you. Are you alright? The first time I treated a cancer patient, I cannot accept the reality that the person will be gone soon. It can be that today I have a great talk with them and the next they are gone.
It is still not easy to accept but it becomes easier to understand than before. Some of them face life like every second is their last one, so they make sure that each of their days is filled with positivity and happiness. Some just give up on life before life itself end.
every one of them has their falls but only some managed to stand up again after falling a few times.