Bait-and-Switch

What do you get when you combine "bait-and-switch," when someone you began a seemingly meaningful relationship with mysteriously vanishes, the dubious sales tactic of selling one thing and then replacing another of poorer quality, and ghosting? I call it "ghostbusting." It takes place in a shorter time frame than ghosting, from enjoyment to anxiety, a quick turnaround.

The contradiction of oneself. Ghostwriting is a double-whammy for those susceptible to worry about relationships. First, it makes one feel needed, the desired, appreciated glow of being. The injury of perceived rejection then arrives. Round it off with a dollop of confusion, a splash of moral bruising, on what happened, and it's just terrible.

More to the point, the confusion generated by another's approach and abandonment demands a response for those who tend towards fear and anxiety. When we try to make sense of social experiences, two major factors come into play.

Mental distortions. "The" fundamental attribution mistake "is one cause. The Fundamental Attribution Error is the tendency we have to downplay external or situational factors, make sense of the actions of others while putting too much weight on psychological factors or personality.

If someone doesn't arrive on time, we may say "She's so thoughtless! instead of asking if the train had been delayed. This bias serves a purpose, allowing us to make deliberate behavior assumptions, but can also lead us astray.

The second aspect is the tendency for people to believe that their fault must be anything. For those who are vulnerable, socially anxious, depressed, or impacted by traumatic childhood experiences of maltreatment or neglect, this is more common. This unhelpful thinking style is called "personalization" in cognitive therapy. It is a distortion of reality, but it serves to explain troubling interpersonal interactions and thus to close them down.

The blame game. During growth, the urge to use blame to comprehend and manage life is often picked up.

"Later in life, this can even come across as excessive self-involvement" (Why do you think it's all about you?!). It becomes another possible cause of an empathic let-down that is experienced as misrecognition.

In one's sense of self, as well as in how we view others and social relationships, the desire to be liked can be disproportionately strong, embedded in and retaining serious distortions. Other significant needs, like those fundamental to self-esteem and self-respect, can easily be overshadowed by the desire to be liked.

Although the mixed signals in ghostwriting much of the time are not a representation of how the other person feels about one, it is necessary to consider the potential for a runaway negative spiral and move beyond or to a better position through these reactions. This requires exercise.

Maintaining an even keel. It has nothing to do with you or how the other person feels about you in most situations, however. It could have to do with their way of communicating with others, and recognizing the effect of personality and social style is not a mistake in that case. They could have a more breezy attitude about anyone's engagement. If there is a clear pattern of actions over time, this is most likely the case. For someone who wants or needs more conscientious and sensitive partners, maybe that's not a good match. Someone who is a very detailed-oriented planner would not click with someone who loves playing-it-by-ear.

It's just the conditions, most of the time. In the everyday life of the average person, there is so much noise and tension that it is increasingly difficult to keep on top of every text, email, voicemail, and dedication to family, friends, and work.

A caring, easygoing attitude allows for a smoother journey if it is possible. Even with good intentions, it is possible to get over-committed, dropping a follow-up.

It may be difficult to let go of the reflexive urge to concentrate on injury and injustice, and even suggesting moving may sound empathic, leading to more injury and frustration, but it makes it easier to get some emotional distance to prevent needless pain and make better choices on how to cope with the situation. It is nice to have easy, useful methods on hand to cope with emotional triggers.

It's better than being wrapped up in knots, whether that means having a more friendly relationship, reaching out to chat about what happened and share specific needs, or just finding people who are a better match. Recognizing cultural factors is also significant. Ghostbusting activity is much less likely to be about you or the relationship if you live in a complicated urban setting where people are loosely connected than if you live in a place where the close-knit group is natural.