The vicious circle of loneliness

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3 years ago

Suppose you've never been in a serious relationship...or any relationship for that matter. You've had crushes, you've talked to people you fancy, you've approached them on the street, asked mutual friends to set you up, slid in their DM's...but all your efforts had proven to be futile. And now, being almost through your prime, the first quarter of your life, you find yourself in one of the two positions:

  • you have entirely given up on relationships and have accepted that you will mostl likely will have to spend the rest of your days alone, or

  • you have made it your ultimate goal to have a relationship and they better believe that you'll get there or die trying, virtually of course.

To you, being in either one is far from ideal. But is that really the case?

Though it may not be breaking news to anybody, the root of the problem at hand lies in the complex relationship between you, also known as the Self in psychoanalytical circles, and the Other, namely, other members of your immediate society. The problem of Self and Other, generally, simply boils down to the fact that, according to a reasonable person's point of view, there is a clear difference between 'me' and 'them'. There is a barrier of sorts. Nobody can read your mind. A person's thoughts and feelings are their own sole property, kept under a lock and key. As Kant would put it, the ability to think independently, to make up your own mind, is the greatest gift bestowed upon the humankind. But arguably, it is at the same time one of the deepest causes of human despair.

The longing to be understood is, undoubtedly, a strong driving force behind our daily activity, and it manifests itself tenfold when seeking companionship. We looks for someone who could, ultimately, help us bridge the insurmountable gap between the being that is hiding behind our eyes, and the external world, represented by a person we like. And part of the reason it hurts so much to be rejected is that, in a way, it is not just another human who is refusing to be with you, nay, it is the human acting as a symbol of the entire outside world that does not "like you that way". So you see, it is most certainly hard to take blows like that one after the other, repeatedly, whilst maintaining some sort of dignity and composure. The world seems to be screaming again and again: "I don't want you!", and it seems to be mercilessly reminding you of your own inadequacy, of your own inaptitude again and again and again. It sucks, you guys. It absolutely sucks.

As rational beings, we tend to question reasons behind things, and it is only expected that we'd eventually stop and ask, or even demand to know: "Why is this happening to ME? What did I do??" The reasons are, as they always are, numerous, but, interstingly enough, also none. Think about this: truth may be objective, that is to say absolutely the same to everyone, or relative (subjective), meaning that everyone sees a thing, a question, a topic slightly (or very) differently. Objective truth, we largely accept nowadays, can only be produced scientifically, and even then it might mean that eventually a new "objective truth" will come along and replace the previous one, and then a newer one, and a newer one, and so on. Outside of science, therefore, we mostly deal with subjective perceptions of things, subjective explanations, and by Jove they are numerous! But precisely because of how many ways there are to explain things, it is easy to get stuck in the cycle of explaining, justifying, rationalising things over and over again. What is more, logic is unhelpful when dealing with question that really matter to you personally. How can you possibly cancel out the yearning for being with another person, a trumendously passionate and some would say, biologically conditioned emotion with something as fluid and uncertain as "subjective reason", with your own or someone else's logical interpretation of why that yearning is still not fullfilled?

No, it is better to lay interpretations aside for a while if you are stuck in a pickle like this. Let us take on the idea that no reason is good enough to explain why we are so goddamn lonely, and that maybe, there never was a reason in the first place.

So now we find ourselves, head clear with acceptant indifference, at one of the two points described in the beginning of this post: we either see finding love as the ultimate priority, or can't be bothered at all. This is assuming you haven't fallen into any traps along the way, for they are many, hate, resentment, feeling of self-inadequacy and 'niceguy/nicegirl' menatily to name a few. To climb out of those you will have to try pretty hard, and you might not succeed. Key word: might. But let's say you've ended up in one of the two states and...

...if you did, you have pulled the winning lottery ticket. Seriously. Here is why.

First, the easier situation, the one with you being absolutely nuts for love. Rejoice! You have a goal. You have the reason to get up every morning. You base, one way or another, you life around this thing, this idea, which is so incredibly attractive to you that you practically become obsessed with finding a partner. And that's good! It's good to be nuts about something! Some people are crazy about plants, others love cheese more than anything in the world, a minority of us is even obsessed with their jobs, isn't that weird? Hell, peole devote their lives to all sort of things, silly and not. So congratulations! This is simply the thing you are obsessed with, you have found it! Great job! You don't need to do anything else now, just keep on pursuing, and get a good kick out of it!

And now for the second scenario: you cannot be bothered anymore, you have given up. Here's a quick thought: no-one I have had a pleasure to meet has really actually truly given up on love. Are you seriously saying that if a gorgeour person would come up to you and strike a conversation with you and tell you how great you are you heart wouldn't melt? Of course it would. You are just tired of pursuing, that's all. So in a way, it is the feeling that the person in the first situation has, only kind of turned inside out. Well, don't pursue if you don't feel like it, but there is no reason why you should make it into a tragedy! Companionship is not meant for everyone. Even in nature, not every animal gets to mate, and this is just how things are.

A piece of good news, though: now you have all this space in your life, time and energy that you were previously wasting on chasing after people that don't care about you the same way you did (and that doesn't make them evil, by the way). So go do something truly unique. Talk to the world in a different way, learn to understand it and let it understand you. Shape the world, explore the world, create the world. Break the barrier between the Self and the Other, you and the world down as much as possible, and express yourself the best you can. And instead of being understood by a person you just might get understood by the entire existence. Because how else would you describe creative and self-expressive activities other than a "partnership with the world"? In learning to how to feel the world you will learn more about yourself. And isn't this what relationships are really about?

Source: https://hebazefolio.weebly.com/self-perception.html

Source: https://truthnet.org/God-and-Reason/3-Does-Truth-Matter/What-is-truth.htm

Source: https://www.quora.com/Where-a-good-place-to-clear-your-mind

Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/FGHtGvR5d98

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