Tips on How You Can Treat Your Trans Children

Oh, yup. I know about this. First hand. And other hands too.

I’m a queer parent, parenting queer kids. I’ve also watched many schoolmates, friends, and peers navigate the journey towards their queer transgender non-conforming identities.

I’ve got detailed notes about more than a few missteps. Like, big ones that destroy relationships between trans-teens and young adults or (just adult adults) and parents for years, decades, and beyond.

I’ve also got notes on what I think are the most effective, efficient, and honest ways to support your trans kid (or friend, or other relationship.)

I’ve also witnessed folks who are so totally on board and accepting that it makes me feel warm inside, instantly and involuntarily. I’ve been backstage for many iterations of parents working towards gaining acceptance but not quite like, being there for them (their kid), yet.

Step #1: Handle your own bullshit.

That’s step #1.

Do this so that you can love your kid regardless of your own internal monologue about how you feel, how much you do or don’t understand about gender, and how or why you can’t understand and/or feel shame.

It’s a hard step. Sounds simple, but can be difficult in practice.

Do it anyway.

If you don’t do step #1, you’re doomed to a purgatory wherein you won’t be able to fully engage with your child. Because you’re too busy churning in your own shit. That sounds like it sucks, right?

Don’t get bogged down with the labels.

Your kid is still your kid.

Yup, that same one you raised. You’re just finding out a whole lot of stuff that you didn’t know or didn’t want to know, and you feel some kind of way about it. And for sure — all of that is valid. But’cha still gotta deal with those feelings that come up or lurk.

With your own therapist.

Not with your queer kid, straight or other kid, your spouse, or your fill-in-the-blank. With a therapist. Who isn’t transphobic.

If your kid is a young adult and you’re grieving the loss of your child as you knew them — HANDLE AND PROCESS THAT SHIT and don’t dump all of your angst and sadness into the lap of your trans offspring. They are dealing with enough and aren’t responsible for your feelings about the subject anyway.

PLEASE: Do some research and find an LGBTQIA-friendly therapist who knows things and doesn’t immediately pull out a Go Brandon flag and want to shit their pants when you tell them about your trans kid.

Step #2: Listen to what your kid is telling you

Close your mouth-hole, and listen.

Comply.

Be supportive.

When you don’t know how to be supportive, ASK. Ask them. Ask your kid, (your adult kid or your teen or tween )— how can I be supportive?

Some folks need, want, or enjoy a period of stealth existence. Wherein, nobody knows they’re trans. Sometimes it’s a safety issue, sometimes it’s a section of their journey where they’re just not ready to be out, out yet. Sometimes, support looks like keeping that stealth identity under wraps.

Don’t go around outing your trans family member if that’s not supportive for them.

Support can also look quite the opposite — where support looks like being a staunch visible and vocal supporter of your child — blowing up social media with trans posts or helping them launch a trans-flag T-shirt and swag company online.

And all the in-betweens.

Anyway- you gotta ask sometimes. You may not get an answer, but just simply asking, “how can I support you?” is meaningful. Deeply meaningful.

Step #3: Help!

Help in whatever way you can.

Do you know how to give injections? Help them with hormone injections.

Do they want a therapist, like someone informed to help them process all of this?

A trip to the mall or goodwill to troll for new lewks and clothing? A visit with a barber or hairdresser (OMG I am old, stylist is the 2022 word) Do you need to google search your area for resources for your kid?

Are you a parent with a trans kid under 18 who you need to find medical doctors for? Check around for gender clinics — most city hospitals have them. Sometimes you have to go through Endocrinology to get to the gender clinic, but you gotta find that resource for a kid if they’re under 18.

This will connect them with affirming medical professionals (from the front desk, all assistants, and physicians) who: won’t be misgender, get names wrong, or make things extra awkward during any part of the medical visit.

Help your kid get the care they need — Do Doctors recommend a puberty blocker? Find out WTF they’re talking about and why, find out the pros and cons, educate yourself and make sure your kid knows the pros and cons as well.

Help your kid make their own decisions. Don’t force them to make all of these decisions alone. Kids having to make these decisions in a vacuum, without the support of a loving understanding parent are at a disadvantage. It’s hard to know when you’re 11 or 12 if you for sure DO or DON’T want biological children 20 years from now. The science keeps changing. You gotta keep up. No kid should have to make that decision without someone who loves them there to walk them through that.

Step #4: Basic R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Respect their name, pronouns, and degree of openness around their trans identity and queerness. If they tell you they want to be called Betsy, with she and her pronouns, DO THAT.

Even if she was born to you as Matthew the little boy 28 years ago. It sounds so simple, but folks refuse to do it.

Or it’s “hard” for parents/relatives of trans kids, in the beginning, so they excuse themselves from participating. It’s such a simple thing, and it means so much.

It’s not too hard unless you just refuse to get with the program.

You can be a Dance-Mom (they’re supportive? Right?) go-getter type and obtain educational resources and attend events and forums to gather more clues and a greater understanding, I mean -that’s ideal, but isn’t the path that everyone will take.

That’s a bonus, but not required.

Step #5: Demonstrate Acceptance

Acceptance can be quiet and still, or loud and in-your-face. Acceptance can be as simple as just a normal day at home, with a normal kid and your normal life, where they’ve let you know that they are trans. And you simply continue to love them in the ways that they are, as well as in all of the ways that they might become.

And: You don’t freak out on them, misgender them, or try in any way to dissuade them from this or any part of their gender-iffic journey.