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Be yourself, oh, I always hear that anywhere and everywhere I go. I always heard that saying when I was at school when we had our reporting a role-play or an exam, etc. We were always reminded to be honest most especially with ourselves.
Thinking and saying about it is easy, yeah sure, it is. But I want to be honest here, honestly, it's hard for me to be myself most of the time. I have failed to keep it way back before.
I tricked myself several times back, saying the words I am okay even I am not deep inside just to make the situation better. But did it help?
Somehow yes, but mostly no, simply because there's a heavy sentiment inside. And through that, I am being dishonest with my feelings, then, later on, I realized I am not true to myself.
Some things hinder us in showing our real emotions, there are circumstances where we chose to hide what we truly think and feel about something or someone, maybe because we're uncertain of some things that might happen if we show or inform them the true feelings we have.
When I was young, I guess I have already shared here that I was dictated by my elders to become someone they know when I grow up. They want me to become who they think the best, and whenever they asked me if I agree with them I always respond positively that, yes I do but the truth is, no I am not.
In fact, they were one of those people who told me to be myself every time. But, sorry, I faked them.
I was afraid to be judged, you know, I have low self-esteem while growing up. My life before was like a drama, it would give you tears but with a bit of joy of course, but mostly I'm in gloomy days before.
I grew up that I am not confident enough by the appearance I have. You know, I am so skinny, right? Besides, I grew up with my dad, and since I am still a youngster he's the one who always bought me my clothes.
I grew up wearing my old ripped jeans until they become pedal shorts. Wear the same plain tees until they tore for years of wearing repeatedly. I barely got girly stuff, no ponytails, no earrings, no dresses, and girly clothes.
I was often called a “tomboy” when I was in my mid-teens because of my fashion styled by my father. But then, I never confronted my dad that I don't like what he gave me, I know that it's hard for him and I understand him.
I am still thankful that I have decent clothes to wear and appreciate them all by wearing them. But then, of course, as a teen I also want to experience how other girls styled their fashions that reveal their beauties. But I was hesitant and I think it doesn't fit me.
Until I graduated from college, I rarely stained my lips with lip gloss or lipsticks, or any lip colors. I never dressed up as a fine lady until I wore my toga.
See this photo of me when I was in my first year of college. I was the one in the middle. Look how skinny I am. 😅
When I got my first job, my manager always told me to put some makeup on, since I am facing different people every day in my duty. When I told her the truth that I don't know how to do it, she laughed and later on pitied me.
She even told me that it's not normal knowing that I am in my teen period. Then, she boosted my confidence, taught me how to take care of my face, and advised me to do what I want to do while I was young until I can.
Seriously, after that, I was slowly transformed into a lady. 😅 Truthfully speaking, I truly looked boyish in my youthful years. But since I started working in a place with strangers around me, I recognized that my confidence was slowly rising too.
Because for me, sometimes being with some strangers who doesn't know me is better than people whom I know for years but keep on judging me as if they know the struggles I had been through.
With strangers, I have no fear to be judged on how I look, because in the city that I had been to, you can always wear what you want without other people glimpsing at you. In short, people there are minding their own businesses.
I lived in the city for almost four years, and when I get back home, my cousins were always shocked at how I was changed, physically and as a person.
In my four years of staying in the city, I learned to be myself, maybe living alone for years made me realized how important being true to myself was in my growth as a lady and as a person. I want to tell them my stories without hesitancy, I love to tell jokes, put smiles on their faces and laugh hard with my friends and closest. That's the real me.
My cousins were amazed that they finally see the jolliest side of me. I can now wear the clothes I want to wear without uncertainty. I am not affected by other people's opinions simply because I know who I am more than them.
I was always hesitant to speak before, I was afraid and was a weakling. Anyone could belittle me because I let them, but not again. The hardships I had living alone in a world full of strangers, with good and bad experiences I had, I learned to fight for myself and strived to live and survived.
I perhaps get out of my cage, the cage that was made up of insecurities, lack of confidence, and composite that hinders me for years. This is me, and I know myself better now, and it's a great feeling when you learn to love yourself for being who you really are.
I don't need to change myself to please other people, I don't need to follow in someone's footsteps just to be accepted.
If you keep on following other people's paths, you might miss a great story or journey that's waiting for you for so long to explore. You might be blinded and your ears might be full of other people's dreams, but don't forget to dream for yourself too. The dream that no one dictates you to get.
Be honest with yourself, you might not see it, but you shine the brightest when you are yourself.
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