Coffee and looking older than one’s age

I’ve been on coffee for a very long time now. Let us say that I stopped occasionally, for say at most a month, but then I resumed coffee at the very first sign of vulnerability to the addictive substance.

I was thankful, at the very least, that the substance helped me stay awake for nights that I needed to stay awake. I also used it to up my mood when I felt down, though it also was the cause of my depression every time I took it abusively at times.

I look at the mirror and I see an older self. I can’t blame the time I’ve been on this earth. I should be thankful I’ve come this far. But I am also bothered. It is a big deal for me that I look old. I think I look older than my age of 33. But then I can’t blame the current circumstance.

Taking coffee in order to stay awake at night had something to do with my looking older than my age. Am I resentful? Indeed I am! But I can’t do things all at the same time–looking young while not sleeping well and resting well.

The past few days, I felt as if coffee has had an effect on my upper back. I felt tingling sensations and things I’m not sure how to describe. Yesterday, I just didn’t feel like drinking coffee at all. I rarely don’t take coffee even if I don’t feel like it. I still take. But yesterday was different. I didn’t take a cup or two. And this morning, I want to take coffee but my worries superseded my desire for it. That must be a good thing.

I wonder how many more days I will go without coffee. Who knows, I might just be able to eliminate it in my diet. But like in the past, I may just be saying this now and I will be taking coffee right after writing this.

I always had a problem with being predictably unpredictable. I have always been like this I hate it so much.

Just maybe, there is a reason why some people are like me. But then, it’s scaring me to be unstable with my decisions and thoughts.

I get sad when I look at myself and see a very much older self than my expectation. I just hope I will at least exercise the necessary measures to stay fit. That would be most important at this point.