In the simplest versions, there is good and there is evil. There is God and there is The Devil. There is nowhere in between. However, in the broader version, the angel Lucifer, which is known as The Devil, was cast out of heaven to rule the evil for all eternity in Hell. This made Lucifer seem to feel distant to God as to why he was put in such a position to torture tormented souls. This made the story, most central to the good, presents Lucifer as the bad guy. Now, don’t get me mixed up with the Fox/ Netflix series with the same name, Lucifer. But how could we really say if a person is bad?
No person is holy. No one is sinless. But imagine to be labeled as Satan in your own household just because you unhesitatingly do the opposite of the usual good? Let’s ponder on the ‘household sins’: Say you hit your sister, you talked back to your mom, hit your older sister, have meltdowns and screams and throw things when angry. Would that count as being a demon? Or would there be far deeper reasons than that? Or simply put, is that just an act of being indifferently real?
I have never been more honest with my feelings--- most especially to my family. But with friends and other company I could really pretend, moreover one thing’s for sure, I am 100% all myself with my own blood. And they’ve seen it, the “all-demon” me as they labeled it. But I have been contemplating, believe me I do, am I just evil, hard-headed child? Or does the problem seeps down to my bone? I have no way of knowing. All these frustrations and anger and self-loathing; am I really the devil? The temper I just can’t seem to hold back, all part of being just a demon? Am I really bad? How could I control all these? It’s not like I have powers. But the only power I had was to seemingly create meltdowns in the family. Maybe just like the angel Lucifer, I am needed to be casted out. So that the heaven we all call home, might be better off without a melodramatic, demon-child. Well, not-so-heavenly anyway, there is no father present. Like the God of all. There, they say; only reminding, only guiding, never really in the action, his children on Earth turning against each other but is he there? Oh he’s there? Where? In papers? Holy writings?
Oh, so as I was penning this, I just realized one thing, maybe I am identifying myself with Lucifer. Metaphor intended. I was the devil one, my sisters, the angels, sort of, my mom; a little bit less than that of mum in the series, and my dad, being God. Who so strongly believe in the higher above but not really realizing what is going on the depths of what he call a home. Or is mum preventing that from happening? Was he, like me, casted out of her life instead of Hell? Questions. Questions. Questions; all unanswerable.
Am I really bad? Am I incapable?
I want to be really honest but the heaven of a family I have doesn’t want that kind of thing like it was something to be avoided. We don’t do dramas. We don’t do talkings. We do, but do we do deep talkings? Initiated by me? Pfft. Bad news, it shouldn’t come from me. From me? What? Wait, I’m the bad guy. Why would I want to talk about my feelings anyway though? Doesn’t mean I am ‘mean’ doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. How deserted I feel you don’t know it. How incapable I feel you clearly don’t understand it. How uncontrollable I am in rage you can’t understand. How this complicated, all-knowing organ inside my skull would do nothing in times of rage but all noisy when I need the quiet you don’t understand. Do you even wanna know what’s behind all these anger that boils up whenever I’m “all-demon” on you? Oh, I forgot, I shouldn’t be, talking about these because I am so evil. Know my story and my hardships or at least read the Bible, folks. Maybe ‘dad’ has the answer all along.
Interesting 🙂