My partner isn’t vulnerable with me. We talk, but it’s just about superficial things. I have to get angry in order to get a response. I want to talk about our sex life, but they shut down. Do any of those statements sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. It’s common for one partner in a relationship to shut down, rather than open up, when they perceive conflict is coming. Although you may just want to openly discuss issues in your relationship, how your partner perceives things can be completely different. Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t just a ‘man thing’; same sex partners, non-binary folks, and women also shut down and withdraw when it’s time to be vulnerable.
When you try to engage with a partner like this, the more you try, the more they avoid. You just want them to listen, to hear what you’re saying, and engage with you in conversation. Over time, it can begin to feel like you’ll never get through to them. You may eventually stop trying to connect. This is a serious issue, because relationships fail when people no longer believe their partner can be who they need them to be.
Here are some things to consider if you’re having difficulty getting your partner to open up to vulnerable discussions:
Table the anger — It’s often the case that the partner who’s trying so hard to get the other to communicate equates being loud or pushy with progress. Try sitting with that for a moment. How responsive are you when someone is yelling, being loud, being pushy? Probably not at all. It’s frustrating when we feel we’re screaming into the void. More often than not, the louder we get, the less people hear us. Communication takes patience and time. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.
Show your own vulnerability — You can help your partner when you allow them to see your pain. This isn’t an invitation to play the blame game. By being open and honest, you’re showing your partner you trust them with your feelings. In turn, they’ll understand they can trust you with their innermost thoughts. When you can effectively impress upon your partner that you’re lonely, you need them, there’s something missing, or you’re feeling overwhelmed, this can make them see you as more approachable.
Focus on solutions — If something is constantly a problem, it feels as if it will never change. Rather than approaching your partner with accusations about what they do or don’t bring to your relationship, try focusing on solutions. The fastest way to put your partner on the defense is by attacking them. Are you aware of exactly what you expect/want? Before coming to the conversation, know what you want to happen, and ask in a positive way. When your partner knows what you want, it’s easier to give it.
Ask for help — Sometimes, especially when you’ve been in a relationship for many years, no matter how kind and supportive you are with your partner, they’ll still shut down. This is especially true when a negative cycle has taken over your relationship. There’s resentment and regret to contend with on both sides and often, you both feel there’s nowhere to go but down. You could also be behaving based on prior relationship patterns, which are difficult to unwind. If you find yourself in this situation, engaging a therapist or relationship coach can be helpful. Having an unbiased third party often lets you both see things from the other side.
Are you still struggling? It’s important to keep in mind, no matter how long you’ve been with someone, people change. The person you knew 20 years ago may not be the person they are today. You have to ask yourself, is this relationship still working? Are our issues too big for what we have together? Not communicating and working through problems breeds resentment. A relationship doesn’t work if there’s no communication. Asking your partner why they’re unwilling to work with you can be a good place to start. Often, we presume things based on our experiences. Rather than push them to do things your way, find out WHY it’s not happening. Once you have a better idea of where they are coming from you can begin to work towards a resolution for you both. Sometimes that looks like no longer being together.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, whether from your partner or an outside resource. Taking the time to invest in your relationship can mean the difference between staying together and being happy, or realizing you’re simply not meant to be.
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Excellent advice