How to Teach Yourself to be Emotionally Intelligent
When we’re young, we attend school, learn how to read, write, simple mathematics, science, and history. Once we’re older, the classes we take become harder and more in depth, taking simple addition and subtraction to new levels including algebra and calculus.
No matter how difficult our studies become and how they challenge our minds, one class you’ll never find in traditional schools is one teaching emotional intelligence.
Learning the skill of identifying and dealing with our own emotions is one key to self awareness. Couple that with learning how to do the same with the emotions of others and you’re building a toolbox of skills to last a lifetime.
People who exhibit emotional intelligence have the less obvious skills necessary to get ahead in life, such as managing conflict resolution, reading and responding to the needs of others, and keeping their own emotions from overflowing and disrupting their lives.
There is no validated test or scale for emotional intelligence, as there is for general intelligence, so many argue it’s not a valid construct.
Despite criticism, emotional intelligence or emotional quotient has gained wide acceptance. Potential employers are even including emotional intelligence questions within their interviews with the theory that someone with high emotional intelligence will make a better leader.
What is emotional intelligence?
Experts in the medical community may not agree emotional intelligence is a valid construct, but they do agree it exists. Research began in the 80s, by psychologist Daniel Goleman on what he called a mixed-model.
The five key areas of this mixed model form the basis of emotional intelligence as a whole.
Self-awareness
You know what you feel, what you’re capable of, what your triggers are, and when you need help.
Self-management
Keeping your emotions in check, even when they are running high or low.
Motivation
For the sake of personal joy, curiosity, and the satisfaction of being productive.
Empathy
The skill and practice of reading the emotions of others and responding appropriately.
Social Skills
Applying empathy and negotiating the needs of others with your own. This can include finding common ground, working with others, and being persuasive.
Learning to be more emotionally intelligent means examining ourselves in each of the five categories. The order isn’t important, however, beginning with being more self-aware can jumpstart your progress to becoming a more aware individual all around.
Analyzing our self-awareness
Improving your self-awareness is a good first step to identifying any problem you may be experiencing. Keeping a daily journal of your emotions is a good place to start. At the end of each day, make a short note on what went on that day and how it left you feeling. How did you react to your feelings?
Over time, you can look back at this journal and gauge times you overreacted in situations and what you can do to correct this behavior.
Meditation keeps us mindful, but for those of us who have difficulty with the practice, slowing down is a good way to start. Pausing before we react gives us a moment to think about why we’re upset, angry, or whatever other emotion we’re feeling.
Managing ourselves
When you’re more self-aware, it’s easier to manage your emotions and reactions. You learn to do what’s best for your needs.
Changing our environment is a key way to manage our emotions. Taking deep breaths and counting to ten, walking outside, anything that breaks your routine.
*How people treat you is your karma, how you react is yours. — Wayne Dyer*
Motivation
Your inner drive to achieve a goal lights up your prefrontal cortex. This is motivation. When we have goals we want to achieve, working toward those goals in small ways brings us joy. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Give yourself the grace to achieve your goals in bite-size pieces. You’ll thank yourself later.
Empathy
Being aware of and managing our emotions are important but only half the equation. Every person you encounter has their own set of emotions, triggers, and fears. Empathy is your most important skill when dealing with interpersonal relationships.
I taught my children from a young age, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Actively listening is one of the key concepts of empathy. When we listen to learn, rather than react, we give the person we’re dealing with the time and attention they deserve. Bonus, we learn what’s bothering them, making them happy, or making them angry.
It’s one thing to know something, it’s another to understand it. Understanding is key in empathy. If you say, “I know, but,” you’re not understanding.
When someone takes the time to explain how something affects them, what they go through daily, try putting yourself in their position. How would you react if this was your life?
Social Skills
There’s more to social skills than self-awareness, self management, motivation, and empathy; but you have to start somewhere. Your social skills affect everything in your life from your career to your romantic relationships.
Some social skills include meeting new people and identifying with them, socializing with people of varying mindsets, and being able to resolve conflict.
When you apply all you’ve learned about yourself and how to interact with others, you’re well on your way to creating a toolkit of social skills laced with emotional intelligence you’ll use for a lifetime.
Final Word
We can learn emotional intelligence. Putting in the effort will reap rewards not only for yourself, but your career and every relationship in your life.
**Resources:**
**Emotional Intelligence in Daily Life** https://getpocket.com/explore/item/emotional-intelligence-the-social-skills-you-weren-t-taught-in-school
**Psychology Today article on Emotional Intelligence** https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-intelligence
**Psychology Today article on Motivation** https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-brain-and-emotional-intelligence/201112/motivation-what-moves-us
It's Okay if You're Not Okay
2021 has been a rough year. I could leave it at that and be on my way and anyone who knows me personally would not argue the point.
I suffer from depression and severe anxiety, but I’m not typically Debbie Downer. It’s just not in my nature to allow things to sit under my skin and make me jaded. I’ve been there in the past and it’s a hole I would rather not climb out of again.
Some days are harder than others.
I’ve seen it written many places this year and am sure I’ve espoused it myself. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to fake it til you make it. Inevitably, there will come a time when you have to do more.
Even though I try not to take up residence in the dumps, the statement, “Look on the bright side,” irritates me almost irrationally. Sometimes, there is no bright side to the situation you’re dealing with, and being told to do so, just forces you to feel things are darker than they might be.
The same goes for, “someone has it worse.”
Yes, Karen, I’m sure someone else somewhere on this planet is dealing with a metric crap ton more than I am right this second. But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel what I’m feeling. No one may tell you how to feel, period.
The key is not taking the doom and gloom as a permanent standpoint.
I could express with gusto how much this year has sucked for me and my family. There are times I rant about how fucked up things are, but that’s not my default setting. We can’t allow the negative and just downright shitty things that occur in our lives to shape our every day.
Instead, I’ve been thinking of the positive happenings in my life this year. I began writing full time again after a break I didn’t mean to take. It’s been a struggle, I’ll admit. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything and I can only go up from here.
Writing consistently has helped in many areas of my life. It allows me to work from home and to moderately contribute to my family’s finances. Each of us has to find something in our lives that brings us feelings of accomplishment. I can't work outside the home, I have an autoimmune disease that makes me un-reliable at best.
Feeling accomplished and even proud of something we’ve done goes a long way to pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps.
We don’t need an entire month devoted to reminding ourselves what we’re thankful or grateful for, though it is nice to stop and take a moment. When depression and anxiety seep into your day-to-day life, it’s important to conjure those good things regularly.
When we know and accept our limits, we take the first step in managing our depression and anxiety. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to take a moment and breathe.
How to Talk With a Partner Who Struggles to Communicate
*My partner isn’t vulnerable with me. We talk, but it’s just about superficial things. I have to get angry in order to get a response. I want to talk about our sex life, but they shut down.* Do any of those statements sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. It’s common for one partner in a relationship to shut down, rather than open up, when they perceive conflict is coming. Although you may just want to openly discuss issues in your relationship, how your partner perceives things can be completely different. Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t just a ‘man thing’; same sex partners, non-binary folks, and women also shut down and withdraw when it’s time to be vulnerable.
When you try to engage with a partner like this, the more you try, the more they avoid. You just want them to listen, to hear what you’re saying, and engage with you in conversation. Over time, it can begin to feel like you’ll never get through to them. You may eventually stop trying to connect. This is a serious issue, because relationships fail when people no longer believe their partner can be who they need them to be.
Here are some things to consider if you’re having difficulty getting your partner to open up to vulnerable discussions:
**Table the anger** — It’s often the case that the partner who’s trying so hard to get the other to communicate equates being loud or pushy with progress. Try sitting with that for a moment. How responsive are you when someone is yelling, being loud, being pushy? Probably not at all. It’s frustrating when we feel we’re screaming into the void. More often than not, the louder we get, the less people hear us. Communication takes patience and time. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.
**Show your own vulnerability** — You can help your partner when you allow them to see your pain. This isn’t an invitation to play the blame game. By being open and honest, you’re showing your partner you trust them with your feelings. In turn, they’ll understand they can trust you with their innermost thoughts. When you can effectively impress upon your partner that you’re lonely, you need them, there’s something missing, or you’re feeling overwhelmed, this can make them see you as more approachable.
**Focus on solutions** — If something is constantly a problem, it feels as if it will never change. Rather than approaching your partner with accusations about what they do or don’t bring to your relationship, try focusing on solutions. The fastest way to put your partner on the defense is by attacking them. Are you aware of exactly what you expect/want? Before coming to the conversation, know what you want to happen, and ask in a positive way. When your partner knows what you want, it’s easier to give it.
**Ask for help** — Sometimes, especially when you’ve been in a relationship for many years, no matter how kind and supportive you are with your partner, they’ll still shut down. This is especially true when a negative cycle has taken over your relationship. There’s resentment and regret to contend with on both sides and often, you both feel there’s nowhere to go but down. You could also be behaving based on prior relationship patterns, which are difficult to unwind. If you find yourself in this situation, engaging a therapist or relationship coach can be helpful. Having an unbiased third party often lets you both see things from the other side.
Are you still struggling? It’s important to keep in mind, no matter how long you’ve been with someone, people change. The person you knew 20 years ago may not be the person they are today. You have to ask yourself, is this relationship still working? Are our issues too big for what we have together? Not communicating and working through problems breeds resentment. A relationship doesn’t work if there’s no communication. Asking your partner why they’re unwilling to work with you can be a good place to start. Often, we presume things based on our experiences. Rather than push them to do things your way, find out WHY it’s not happening. Once you have a better idea of where they are coming from you can begin to work towards a resolution for you both. Sometimes that looks like no longer being together.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, whether from your partner or an outside resource. Taking the time to invest in your relationship can mean the difference between staying together and being happy, or realizing you’re simply not meant to be.
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ASMR and How You Can Do It At Home
*My friend* @JonicaBradley *asked about ASMR the other day and if this is something that can be done at home with your partner, so here's my response to that.*
If you spend any time on YouTube, you’ve likely been suggested a video featuring ASMR. But what does that mean? ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, or in English, the euphoric tingling sensation people feel in response to certain visuals and sounds. Tingling often begins in the head, shoulders, or spine before spreading to other parts of the body. It ultimately creates a sense of relaxation. What triggers you may vary, and are highly individual, but often are slow, repetitive, and ordinary activities. Some examples are hair brushing, finger tapping, and whispering.
While all of this is readily available for a person to enjoy whenever they choose on YouTube, there are also ways to enjoy this with your partner in person. But first, it’s important to know what ASMR triggers are and whether they work for you and/or your partner.
Top 6 Most Common ASMR Triggers
1. Whispering is the most common ASMR trigger. It’s featured more often in ASMR videos than any other trigger. Speaking softly works similarly for people who get the tingles from whispering. Sibilant sounds are often used and words can be repeated.
There are different types of whispering that produce ASMR. Binaural whispering is when you can hear which direction the sound is coming from. When recorded, binaural microphones are used. This one would be difficult to recreate at home, but if it’s one you enjoy, I highly recommend using ASMR headphones. These are my favorite to use because they’re comfortable even when lying down. https://amzn.to/3BTzPBI
Inaudible or unintelligible whispering is another way to induce ASMR and something you can easily do at home. Try having your partner lie down or sit back in a recliner. Place yourself by their head and whisper into their ear. You can switch sides and go back and forth if you like. You don’t have to say anything that makes sense, even making shushing noises or psst sounds works.
A relaxing whisper is the final type of whisper ASMR. Try this, using the same technique as inaudible whispering mentioned above, quietly tell your partner everything will be okay, they’re loved, or whatever makes them comfortable.
2. Physical touch may seem impossible to do through a video, but it’s not. If physical touch is one of your triggers, even watching someone do the thing that makes you feel comfortable can work. Clearly this is one of the easiest forms of ASMR to do at home. Physical touch ASMR is usually something like hair brushing, face touching, and head massage/scratching. This can be coupled with personal attention, which is another trigger for some people. Looking into your partner’s eyes while speaking directly to them and brushing your hair is a very calming technique.
3. Does reading make you calm? The turning of pages can be relaxing to watch and hear. It’s easy to mimic at home in many ways. You and your partner can cuddle together on the couch while one of you reads and turns the pages of a physical book.
4. Eating sounds may make you crazy (they do for me), but for some people this is a serious ASMR trigger. Watching someone enjoy their food, the sounds (crunching, etc), and even slurping are triggers (in a good way) for some people. Making food can be a trigger as well, the repetitive motions and hand movements relax people. If cooking ASMR sounds like it could be a trigger for you or your partner, making a cake is a wonderful way to experience this.
5. Massages are the ultimate relaxing activity. Even if you can’t afford one on yourself, it can be relaxing to watch someone else give or receive a massage, a trigger that combines personal attention, physical touch, and soft speaking. A great way to do this at home is through a gentle massage on the face, where there’s a high density of nerve endings. A high quality moisturizer and/or a facial roller can further elevate the sensation.
6. Crinkling and squishing sounds can be a good ASMR trigger. Try using paper, aluminum foil, plastic wrappers, or even bubble wrap. Kinetic sand and water absorbing beads are finding popularity recently as well. This form of ASMR trigger couples hand movements with relaxing sounds. https://amzn.to/3n2E8EJ https://amzn.to/3vmiU8C
ASMR is a relaxing way to unwind or to help you fall asleep before bed. Most anyone can benefit from it. If you are unsure about which ASMR triggers you enjoy, you may want to try watching a trigger assortment video. With a wide variety of ASMR triggers available, you are bound to find what’s right for you. The ones we’ve mentioned in this article are the easiest to recreate at home and can a fun way to connect with your partner or solo.
This article contains affiliate links. If you click I may earn a small commission, but it doesn’t cost you any extra. You’ll get a product I personally recommend and help support my writing.
Writing Prompt #19-Laziness
@JonicaBradley creates amazing prompts to help you think about what to write. I'm usually writing about relationships, dating, and anything connected to those things, but over here, I would like to begin writing about other things, including life.
Laziness is often considered a negative term. When we see someone doing what we perceive as 'nothing', we think them lazy. Like a lot of terms that are seen as negative, I enjoy turning them around and reclaiming them for myself.
My mother called me lazy more than she called me by my name. If I was sitting around reading a book, I was being lazy. Because I didn't enjoy going outside to play with my brother, lazy. She never considered that I was learning by reading or that it wasn't being outside that was the problem, it was my brother being a jerk. That would have meant her thinking outside the box and that wasn't going to happen.
That's what I consider lazy, being unable or unwilling to test your own beliefs and consider someone else's perspective. While you may consider someone like me, who prefers the company of a good book or walking slowly to enjoy the sights and smells of the world lazy, I don't. Life is short, and I like taking the time to enjoy everything around me, rather than run to and fro, like a chicken with its head cut off.
Sure, I get in a hurry when I need to, but I can promise you my definition of need is likely quite different than most. When I was younger, this caused me great stress and anxiety. I would put things off that I didn't want to do, in favor of better things, then run around in a time induced panic to get everything done. Who am i kidding, i still do that sometimes, but I know what my priorities are. And they're not making anyone happy other than myself.
I describe myself as lazy a lot. I'll lazily stroll around the neighborhood while enjoying the sights. I'll lazily read a book i consider 'eye candy', meaning I don't intend to learn anything from it, it's a way to dive into a world that isn't mine. I'll lazily chop vegetables for dinner, knowing there's absolutely no hurry. There's an ASMR effect to living life like this. Not getting in a hurry, not rushing things.
One of the best ways I've learned to lean into being lazy is by watching my cat. Sadly, I no longer have her, but she was the Queen of being lazy and enjoying life. She slept close to 18 hours a day, lazily sunning herself in the window, or curling up at my feet on the couch. Do you think this bothered her one bit? Absolutely not. She was being a cat and that's what cats do. When she was awake and alert, she got things done. Cleaning herself, eating, chasing the other cats, playing with our dog. There was no end to what she wanted to accomplish in a day, but alas, the sleepies would kick in and guess what? She didn't fight it, she found a spot and laid down.
As I get older, I find myself adhering to a cat-like schedule. I don't normally sleep for 18 hours, but if I get tired, I take a nap. If I'm awake at 3 am and can't sleep, I complete tasks I need or want to do, then lie back down when I'm ready. My schedule belongs to no one other than me, and if that makes me lazy, well then sign me up.
Thanks again to Jonica for providing this prompt, allowing me to lazily work my way through my day <3
Living in an RV Full-time is a Learning Experience
The Top 5 Things No One Tells You About Full-Time RV Life
Today marks our first month living full-time in our class A RV. For those who aren’t aware of the differences in RVs, a class A is the one you drive that kind of looks like a bus. Ours is 30 feet long and approximately eight feet wide, and doesn’t have any slides (which give you more room). Since it’s driveable, and we have a personal vehicle as well, when we’re traveling, there’s also a car dolly attached to pull our SUV. Total length with everything attached is 51 feet. That’s a lot of vehicle going down the road!
If you’re thinking about full-time RV life, or are just interested in how it works, I’ve got a few things to tell you that you may not know. Because I sure didn’t know until I lived it for awhile.
1. Space takes on a whole new meaning
We went from a 2800 square foot, four bedroom, three bathroom house, to approximately 300 square feet of living space. I knew it would be a huge change, but I really didn’t KNOW. The concept of, “I might need this later” goes completely out the window. If you don’t use it on an almost daily basis, it doesn’t have a place on your RV. Literally. And there’s no such thing as stuff just sitting around. You’re driving this beast down the road at 60 mph at times, things will fly all over the place if they’re not properly secured.
This includes items in your refrigerator/freezer. Our first drive before we lived here full-time, we learned that the hard way, as the refrigerator door flew open and the items inside ended up in the floor. Thankfully, we didn’t have much in there and learned our lesson before it became dicey. Installing fridge door locks and tension bars inside the fridge fixed that problem.
It all boils down to deciding what you need regularly and then likely, downsizing even further from there. At first, I had a week’s worth of clothing for each of us (all seasons) and struggled to get it all in it’s place. After living this way for a month, I’ve since gone through everything and pared down to a week’s worth of clothing for the current season, while everything else went into vacuum storage bags to store under the bed.
Our closet is still full. But it’s a lot more manageable than before, and I don’t have to pull half the stuff out to get to what I need.
2. The shower is not the place for thinking any longer
Showers in an RV are short and sweet. Our water heater is around six gallons, so that affords you about 10-15 minutes of hot water. If you push it past 10 minutes, you’re looking at a lukewarm experience. Military showers become the norm, where you get yourself wet, shut off the water, shampoo your hair, water back on to rinse, water off, condition hair and wash your body, water back on to rinse.
My first experience with showering in here was a nightmare. I knew I had to be fast, and thankfully I’ve never been one to linger in the shower, but I didn’t know how fast. We ordered dispensers that are affixed to the shower wall to hold our products. I forgot they had to be ‘burped’ before use, and ended up doing it while I was running the water. Bad idea. By the time I got around to rinsing my hair of shampoo, the water was ice cold. This was a bit over a month ago, when we were still in our house, so thankfully, I was able to make a mad dash for the house to complete my shower. In a towel. In 30 degree weather. Soaking wet.
Needless to say, I now make sure everything is where it should be and that I’m ready to go once I get in.
Space is a thing here too. I’m not a small person. If I’m careful, I can turn around in the shower, but there have been a few times I almost fell out of the door. I’m just waiting for it to happen and provide comedic relief.
3. Using the bathroom is an experience
I’m 43 years old and thought I had gone to the bathroom in just about every kind of way possible. Not so. If you’re claustrophobic, RV life is not for you. Thankfully, my husband and I are not shy, so closing the bathroom door doesn’t happen very often. Which is great, since once it’s closed, there’s nowhere for your knees, much less your legs. Our RV is set up with the toilet and sink in a room, and the shower across from it. There is no extra room in the bathroom at all. Add to that, we hung a shoe organizer on the door for extra storage.
It’s tight.
RV toilets keep a very small amount of water in the bowl. So if you’re doing more than peeing, you have to run some water in the bowl first. Otherwise, there’s going to be a mess to clean. When you’re in a situation where you REALLY have to go, this can be challenging.
Also, you’ll never use ‘good’ toilet paper again. In order for your paper to dissolve properly, you must use RV or Marine specific toilet paper. And it’s not many steps above sandpaper. We ended up putting a baby wipe warmer on our counter for better clean-up. Just remember, you can’t flush anything that isn’t waste or the special toilet paper. That’s how you fuck up your black tank.
4. You become very aware of where everything goes
When you’re living in a regular home, you probably don’t think much about where your waste goes, including what’s called gray waste. That’s all the water that goes down your sinks and shower drains. In an RV, you become well aware of it all, since you’re limited to your tank sizes. Our gray tank is about 45 gallons, black tank (toilet waste) is about 40 gallons, and fresh water tank is 70 gallons. If you’re parked somewhere that has hook-ups, you can skip the use of the fresh water tank and connect to a local water source.
In our bathroom, there’s a meter that shows where you are with your levels. This includes LP (natural gas) which runs your furnace, stove, and possibly your refrigerator and water heater (depending on your setup). Our fridge is a residential one, so it only runs on electric, but our water heater can run on electric or propane.
We’ve become very aware of how much water we use, which isn’t a bad thing. Taking the quick showers helps cut down on water consumption, and how much gray water we’re making. This is all important for multiple reasons. If you’re parked somewhere that doesn’t have hookups, you’ll need to know ahead of time, how long all this lasts before you have to go somewhere to fill your water and dump your nasty stuff. We figured out we get about five days out of the tanks we have, with conservative use. This includes running the generator full-time, which pulls from your regular fuel reserves (gas to run the RV).
5. It can be really frustrating, but fun
The biggest problem we’ve had so far is finding somewhere to park for an extended period of time, on little notice. We’re not quite ready to leave the area where our house was, as we have hubby’s legal stuff to finish contending with etc. Unfortunately, there’s a nuclear power plant in our area that’s in the midst of an outage, so there are workers from all over the country here. Apparently, a lot of them travel with campers, so they’re taking up the majority of the spots available. Also, it’s a tourist area, and it’s Spring Break time, so all the parks around here are full.
In an odd twist, it’s actually considered illegal to live in your RV full-time in this backwards ass state, so it’s also illegal to allow someone to hook up at your home. So dumb. But that’s exactly what we’re doing for the moment. We’ve been parked at my in-laws since we sold the house and that’s where we’ll stay for at least another week or so. Because of course, in their normal way, they’ve managed to get themselves evicted.
So, we’re searching for somewhere with hook-ups in the general area and not having much luck. We can boondock (park using just our generator) on some family property, but that’s definitely not optimal. Somehow, we always manage to make things work, so I have no doubt we’ll figure this out as well.
The Bottom Line
Living in an RV full-time is a learning experience every step of the way. There are so many things we’re having to grow accustomed to, but we’re doing it together, and making the most of each experience. Damian and I both came to realize, we think people should have to live in a small space like this before they decide to get married. Because if you can do it in 300 square feet, you can do it anywhere.
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