Racing thoughts and heartbeat

Trigger Warning: Talks about my mental health and might trigger some of you.

It was just announced a couple of hours ago that we just hit another all time high when it comes to Covid-19 cases, we’re at the 19,000 mark nearing 20,000. (We want all time high in cryptos, not this.) Along with this, the lockdown measures were extended up until September 7, 2021, originally August 31, which have a huge possibility of another extension again.

Same policies are imposed every time a lockdown is implemented - going out is for necessary and essential purposes only, no dine-ins, no social gatherings and health precautions are in place like face masks, face shields and alcohol. 

We've been locked down for more than a year now. Sometimes the restrictions eases but all the same nothing really changes.

Around 5pm this afternoon, I started having racing heartbeats and a lot of thoughts were rushing in my head. It was just nonsense thoughts, most of which I forgot by the time of writing this. I tried to wash it away by watching some series and studying but it had little to no effect. I tried to study on how I can create better content but… I wrote nothing. I tried opening a lot of Youtube videos but all of them are just passing by, video per video.

I tried going out in front of our gate so I could feel some sunlight and see some greeneries, it did help only for a little while. Now, I’m stuck again in my room with these thoughts and I don’t know how to make it go away.

I’m a bit afraid of writing this, honestly, because I don’t want to seem insensitive to those people who would go out everyday and risk their lives. Those that needs to leave everyday so that they can provide for themselves and their families. While I work from the comfort of my home and I have little exposure to the virus, yet I still have the audacity to feel this way.

It’s a struggle for an extrovert to be locked and isolated. For us, being with people gives us energy and the vibrant, busy and noisy world is an amusement park for us. We crave interaction and we'd rather be talking to people all day than being somewhere alone. When I see people even when I’m tired, it just goes away.

I am just slowly realizing that being with people gives sparkles to my life. 

We all know how the pandemic has been affecting a lot of things and I don’t even know where to begin. Unemployment, Closure of businesses, Deaths, Crashing Economy, Fear, Uncertainty and many more which adds up and fucks with our mental health. It’s just sad at how the pandemic corrupted us of our youth, experience and freedom.

I’m trying my best not to have a panic attack right now so I decided to write, they always say writing helps. But I don’t know if it still matters, I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m not neglecting it and a panic attack can help but I don’t know what to do anymore. 

I seriously want to go out and buy a slice of pizza but I can’t. The fear of risking my family to the virus just to satisfy my craving is beyond irrational. But if you look at it, am I really just satisfying your cravings or I just want to go out for a little while to release all of the feelings that I have been building up.

This is such a sensitive topic because I don’t want to come off as a whiny girl who just wants to go out. I’m not even sure if people understand it. 

I’ve been taking a walk almost everyday just to relieve this but it’s not helping anymore. I tried writing and watching, none of that worked too. Yet again I am at a point where I need to find another coping mechanism. 

I just wanted to let some steam, hopefully things get better soon for all of us. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash