Keeping Hope Alive While You're In Jail Comes Down to Communication

Imagine not being able to pick up your smart phone whenever you’d like and send a text message, photo, or link to a silly cat video. It’s hard to do in this day and age, isn’t it? When I think of all the times I groaned upon receiving a text from someone who annoyed me, all the times I chose to continue what I was doing (usually mindlessly scrolling TikTok) rather than respond to someone’s message, I kind of want to smack myself. Although there are a lot of freedoms to miss when you’re behind bars, the ability to communicate with your loved ones consistently (and albeit fairly cheaply) is one of the things I miss most.

When I was on the outside, my wife and I would text throughout the day whenever one of us had something to share. It wasn’t excessive by any means, but if she read something funny or intriguing, she would text me while I was working and tell me about it. Or, she would give me a little tease and we would continue the conversation when I got home. I mostly shared ridiculous TikTok videos, but they always made her laugh, which was my point.

Being unable to talk to my wife whenever something comes to mind I want to tell her sucks. Currently, I only have access to send her messages every other day, which is also when I can call if there are funds on my account. Communication is almost prohibitively expensive within the prison system. And it makes zero sense to me. Why wouldn’t you want the people you claim you’re trying to rehabilitate to be able to contact the outside world where they can find hope?

It speaks to the fact that our prison system in the United States is not truly rehabilitative. For example, I urge you to consider how 40 plus men, stuck together with nowhere to go, no outside time, and nothing to do will behave. Sure, you’ll have some who will do their best to mind their business and possibly make a friend who does the same. You’ll find those people on the outskirts of things, holding debates, philosophical conversations, and just trying to find the best way to spend their time without getting in trouble.

But those people are the outliers. 

For most men in this situation, whether guilty or innocent, being surrounded by that much testosterone just amps them up. Men in cages tend to become angry. And anger leads to issues and fights. 

Why wouldn’t you want to squash that at every turn? I’m not saying everyone is a voracious reader, but provide books or at least allow them to be provided. I have never been a big reader, I have dyslexia and it makes it difficult. But I can tell you right now, I am reading everything I can get my hands on. Even though I’m not remotely a Christian, I’m tempted to order a Bible just to have something else to read. By the way, that’s the only book available, besides a dictionary, through commissary where I’m located. 

The local jail got rid of their library at some point during the COVID pandemic, according to the COs. Just threw out all the books. The books that are circulating throughout the quarantine pod where I’m housed, I have zero clue where they came from, unless they’ve been donated. There seem to be around four or five books in this pod and I’ve read them all in 11 days time. 

This leaves communication with the outside world as a viable means of keeping hope alive. And don’t think that isn’t heavily monitored and even cut off if they just don’t like what is being said or seen. 

Today I had a video call with my wife Demeter. This was our third such call since I’ve been here and I’m so thankful for them when they’re able to happen. We live in the south, so it’s not quite winter here yet. Demeter rarely wears anything other than a tank top when it’s still warm out, though she is fully covered. Today, the CO monitoring our call decided she wasn’t covered enough about five minutes into our 20 minute call. They yelled over the intercom for her to put on a ‘real shirt’ or the call would be terminated.

For reference, no one can see the screen when you’re video chatting other than you and the CO who is monitoring it. My wife isn’t super heavy chested, she rocks about a C-cup, so it’s not like she had tits flashing everywhere. Yes, you could see a tiny bit of cleavage, but it was much less than you would see if she had been wearing a V-neck tee. Of course, she quickly grabbed a hoodie she’d shed earlier in the day, since temperatures went from 41 degrees to 70 plus degrees throughout the day. Neither of us wanted to lose the ability to chat or be labeled as problematic.

But for sure it’s frustrating. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, she wasn’t exposing herself, she was just being a woman sitting on her couch in a tank top, fully covered, trying to talk to her incarcerated husband.

I get the reason for rules, especially within a jail or prison. But there’s also a thing called consistency. As I mentioned, this was our third such call and she wasn’t wearing anything different than what she’s been in with the other two calls. Being honest, the tank top she was wearing last week was actually a bit thinner and there was more cleavage exposed and no one said a word. 

Suffice it to say, even when you’re allowed something, it’s on their terms that moment, period. Communication with your loved ones outside the prison walls is one of the most important things you can do in order to keep hope alive. Being in jail isn’t supposed to be easy, but whatever you can do to mitigate your circumstance and keep looking towards the future makes it go a lot more smoothly.