Not an empty jar
For the longest time, I've been wondering if I could ever find that place where emotions are safely kept and if that place truly exists. I could hardly write what I really feel in my journal, fearing someone would mess with my privacy again like how my mom and brother read my grade-5 diary. I could still remember how they kept on repeating bits of what I had written. I felt naked and disrespected so I burned it down.
When I delivered my high school valedictory speech, I felt so emotional. It was impossible not to break down and cry in front of the crowd. I just couldn't contain how happy and grateful I was to my parents for sending me to school and all that. I meant everything I said. I told them they were the best that I have and that I truly love them, stuff like that. One time, I failed to do something that they asked me to do because I overslept. They proceeded to tell me that what I told them in that speech was a big lie, that I was a hypocrite for saying such, and that those were just crocodile tears to impress the crowd. They were so mad as if that thing I failed to do costed their lives. Those words, I can never forget as they hurt me so much like I've been stabbed a thousand times.
I still, to this day can't remember what happened next. All I know is that life made me guard myself too much that it would be so hard for someone to read me. I feel like every time I open myself up, people would always use them against me. People are so good at attacking me when I am most vulnerable. This is why the majority of my articles here are not emotion-driven. And if transparency is a test, I would have failed a couple of times. I don't want people to know that I'm happy or sad, that something affected me, or that I'm badly hurt. Crying in front of someone is the last thing I would do unless I'm drunk and I would die with the lie that my tooth ached the previous night just so I could explain my puffy eyes.
I am so done with keeping everything to myself. Tired of people who invalidate my emotions and even blame me for what I feel. It's eating me up inside and it's heavy. I never planned to write this here but today is just unbearable that I felt like I needed an emotional outlet. I've turned myself into this jar where I kept everything I can't let out - my thoughts, my emotions, anger, and disappointments. What I want people to know is that I might be that expensive, thick, sturdy jar that's hard to break, but I am never empty. I am never unfilled. I've got plenty inside and I am not invincible. Jars, when overfilled explode so does me when things get too hefty.
So, to you, that's been feeling down lately, I understand you. You deserved to be understood, validated, and heard. Don't ever take the blame for feeling what you feel. You're a person. You're real. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes, let your guard down, and pour everything out. You may seem hard and brave, but I know you crumble down at times when no one sees you . . . and I appreciate you for that!
Thank you for reading and I hope you have a good rest of the week. Toodles.