I don't have a nurturing nature, so I had to cheat

My little darling, I'm sorry I am your mother.

My forever love, I'm sorry I happened to be the mother of your child.

Children. They're the most expensive investment with no return. At least, that's what I think. On top of investing money in them, you have to invest time, love, care that would leave no room for yourself. The bigger they grow the more financial and emotional investment is needed so when you think they are old enough so you can go back to investing in yourself, they need more.

Being married to the love of my life meant the world to me. I didn't need anything as long as we are together but he wanted something more... something more from me - children. I am not so fond of kids so I never thought of whether or not I wanna have my own. But I love my husband and his dream was to have a family so being his lovely wife, I did not oppose.

Come the day I knew I was pregnant, I was happy, elated even. My husband didn't have a reaction when I told him but he was there at every doctor's appointment and was very patient with me, which I think what I needed most at that time more than being pampered or spoiled.

However, childbirth wasn't as blissful as pregnancy. I thought I was gonna die when I was in active labor. I almost crushed my husband's and the attending nurses' hands while pushing. Finally, when I pushed my child out into the cruel world, I tore and overbled so I needed stitching. I was stitched down without any type of anesthesia and so screamed like a butchered pig the whole time.

When I was left alone with my child in the hospital bed and found out she won't breastfeed on me, I realized then and there that I wasn't suited to be a mother. I did not feel that mother-child euphoric connection most mothers feel upon giving birth. That kind of feeling that you "instantly love" the child you just gave birth to. However, my husband was blissful when he saw our child. When I saw my husband being that happy, I had to swallow the trauma I felt during childbirth and detach myself from the creeping emotional stress to BE A MOTHER.

I had to cheat in a lot of ways to raise my child.

While most mothers would exhaust all means so they can breastfeed and have bragging rights to say "my child was raised in breast milk", I quitted trying to breastfeed and cheated instead by using formula milk. Another emotional stress since it made me feel guilty that I couldn't feed my child with my own breast milk.

Being a first-time mother, I lacked the skills and patience to soothe my child when she is upset so again, I cheated by relying on pacifiers. Pacifier is a helpful tool in raising a kid since it can help them sleep and calm themselves faster than rocking the kid back and forth endlessly until you can't feel your arms.

When it was time for my child to wean, I tried to buy all the books about how to prepare baby food. I tried to follow every step; ground the heck out of steamed rice to make a porridge, boiled, cut, and ground vegetables for her but my kid will not eat even a drop of it. What I had to do to avoid starving her was buy was to rely on premade baby food from the store. Now, she likes takeouts more than my home cook meals.

How can some months old kid do so much emotional damage? I don't know.

Maybe she's starting to realize she doesn't like me.

I still haven't felt the bliss of motherhood, I guess I never will. Even my beloved husband told me, albeit jokingly, that I'm not fit to be a mother. I just told him "we'll stop at one kid then". He didn't take that as a joke because the look in his eyes showed a broken, helpless man. "No, that's not what I meant. I still want one more kid with you", he said with an assuring smile.

I do not have a nurturing bone in my body, not suited to be a mother but my child didn't wish to be born in this world. Therefore, for her to still have a mother by her side, for my husband to have a wife in this lifetime, for me to keep my sanity in this mess, I had to cheat.

I will leave it to your imagination to believe whether this is fiction or not. I just had fun writing this, as stated in the rules. I like to take different approaches in writing prompts so here's the result of my unconventional approach. What's your cheating story? I'm dying to know.

The rules for the wiring prompt are simple:

1. Write about cheating

2. Write 100% original content

3. Write at least 600 words

4. Tag me @JonicaBradley

5. Have fun

Credits :

All images used are from Unsplash unless stated otherwise.

I'm crimsonowl, an artist in progress trying to make a living out of art, an NFT artist-creator, a crypto blogger talking about anime. art and everything in between - just a Random girl in the blockchain.