Running On Empty | Struggling With Childhood Emotional Neglect And Developing Resiliency

While browsing Hive, I came across this community and found their blog prompt. The blog prompt for this week is "resilience," and I feel I have a lot to say about this topic. I was thinking of writing about my fitness journey, but I did that several months ago, and you can find that post here: On the Verge Of Death | My Health Challenges, Losing Weight & Fitness Journey. I racked my brain to find the best thing to write about, and my eyes laid on a couple of books on my table: Running On Empty - Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. And the sequel: Running On Empty No More - Transforms Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents and Your Children. Both books were authored by a psychologist, Dr. Jonice Webb.

Maybe this is a perfect idea to write about the journey of my inner growth. This is quite a sensitive topic for me, but I wanted to be brave and share my personal experiences, and perhaps my post will inspire someone else to have the courage to heal.

A very important caveat: I am writing this post not because I hate my parents or have any lingering bitterness towards them. I love my parents dearly, and I have no intention of shaming them. No parent is perfect, and no childhood is perfect. Every parent struggles to do what is best for their child, and everyone makes mistakes.

This post will be long because it is essential that I write about my background story. Please bear with me, and I hope you can see how I develop resiliency as I persevere to heal from my past.

What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)?

Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs.

Emotional Neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings. Because it’s an act of omission, it’s not visible, noticeable or memorable. Emotional Neglect is the white space in the family picture; the background rather than the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while it does its silent damage to people’s lives. ~ Dr. Jonice Webb

I bought the books from Book Depository because they weren't available locally.

My Life Story - How I Developed Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

I grew up as the youngest child in a family of 5. There is a wide age gap between my siblings and me, so needless to say, we had little things in common. My parents worked full time and often away from home, 3 to 4 days a week. My aunt took care of us while my parents were at work. Due to their busy schedules, my parents rarely attended any of my school events. Since I had different interests than my sisters, I spent a lot of my time at various friends' houses after school. I played, did my homework, and even had lunches or tea breaks at their houses. And I would only come home late in the evenings. My parents hardly asked about my whereabouts as long as I was safe and stayed out of trouble.

When I was 13, I left home to pursue my studies in a boarding school 800km away. I did not feel sad at all being away from my family because I was so used to not seeing my parents around. While I was at boarding school, I only communicated with my parents through a public phone. I seldom call home, and when I did, it was only when it was absolutely necessary, which was to request pocket money. I rarely went home on holidays and chose to stay at the hostel with my friends during school breaks. And that means I only got to see my family 2 or 3 times a year.

I stayed at the boarding school until I completed my SPM (national public examination). I did very well academically, and when I was 18, I pursued my diploma and later my undergraduate degree at a local university in Kuala Lumpur (KL). Staying in a big city far away from my family was like a dream come true for me. KL offered many new opportunities and a great place to meet new friends. I wasted no time trying out new experiences that included the negative ones. Again, like my life in boarding school, I seldom communicated with my parents, but they were fine with it as long as I was out of trouble. My life up to then was mostly spent with various groups of friends. I hardly got enough input from my parents and essentially was left to figure out myself: what I was good at, what my weaknesses were, and what I should strive for.

After many years of living so emotionally disconnected from my parents, I developed very damaging behavioral patterns. I became rebellious, reckless, and I enjoyed the freedom of being away from my family. Flouting school rules like truancy and getting up to all sorts of mischief gave me so much thrill. The riskier, the better. That was my mantra back then. But despite enjoying my unconstrained freedom, I was struggling with intense feelings of emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and anger. I always had friends around me, but I secretly felt disconnected. I felt awkward in social or family gatherings and struggled to form close relationships. I was aimless in life, and everything felt meaningless. I often wondered what was wrong with me. I fell into depression without knowing the reasons and felt ashamed that I struggled so much. I was in a lot of emotional pain, but I didn't know how to seek help because I could not put any of it into words.

Things started to improve better when I became a born-again Christian. However, healing did not come instantly. I was still struggling, but I thanked God for the blessings I received from the church, and I was able to work on my issues slowly. The church's marriage and parenting workshops helped me see my deep-seated issues clearly. I learned how harmful childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is to a person and its impact on health, work, and relationships. I realized that throughout my adult life, I had exhibited so many symptoms of CEN and the role it plays in my depression and anxiety. It affected many areas of my life, especially my marriage, parenting, and relationships. I figured enough was enough, and I should stop it and find a way to heal.

Inner Work and Healing Journey

The hardest part of my healing journey was when I confronted myself and admitted to myself that I had issues and I needed to get help. It was sort of like I had an intervention session, except that I did it to myself. I felt very vulnerable and broken and blamed my parents for their failures. But the bitterness didn't last long because I knew my parents did their best to raise me with what they had. Their mistakes were not intentional. They never meant to harm me in any way.

I went for counseling in 2021, and it lasted for 6 months. The sessions with my counselor gave me many insights into my behavioral patterns. The counselor gave me techniques to deal with my depression and anxiety that I still practice to this day. I quit counseling once I felt a lot better, but my healing journey is still long. Now and then, I would fall back into my old patterns of behavior and be wrecked with shame and guilt.

But I resolve not to quit and keep persevering. I knew that healing requires me to be intentional in all aspects of my communications with my husband, children, and others.

• Think before I speak.

• Think before I act.

• Be mindful of my triggers.

• Why am I reacting this way?

I have to keep all these things in my mind to teach my brain to build positive neuron pathways that eventually heal me from my negative CEN patterns.

They are times I failed miserably when I snapped and yelled at my loved ones. Or the times I became moody and distant from everyone. And the feeling of emptiness still haunts me to these days, but the intensity varies depending on the state of my mental health. But I will not let any setback hold me back from my progress. My positive progress will benefit my relationships in life. I am determined not to let my past issues become a huge stumbling block to enjoying my best life with those I love.

Am I more resilient because of this pain and experience?

Absolutely. The healing journey is long and arduous, and I believe it will last for the rest of my life. There are many discouragements along the way, but I reminded myself that people don't change instantly, only in small increments. I am in a better place today compared to a year ago, and I am proud of this progress. I will not give up, and I hope the knowledge and insights I gain from reading the books will further equip me to face future challenges related to my CEN issues.

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That's it for now. If you read this far, thank you. I appreciate it so much! Kindly give me a follow if you like my content. I mostly write about making art, life musing, and our mundane yet charming family life here in Klang Valley, Malaysia.

Thank you for visiting and reading my post. I hope you like it!

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