I'm aware that one of the most mind-boggling situation you can put yourself into is to confess your feelings with your bestfriend. How far are you willing to take the risk?
We met during 2019, our first year in senior high school. My first impression with him was, he is a practical, serious, and prudent guy. He was bald and has the look of do-not-mess-with-me-or-else type of student. He curses a lot using our dialect. Because of the authoritative aura that he has, he was elected as the class president. He is like the man of the pack. Everybody listens when he speaks. Not only that, he is also the school's reperesentative in math competitions. A solid human calculator. Most of the time, he's lazy yet a smart one. In contrary, you have me. A goofy, softie, and an overthinker. I was the happy pill of our class. The student who enjoys role plays and provides good vibes. I love making people laugh and them being fond of me! Well, I was a people-pleaser. Never have I ever thought that we would be the best buddy of each other.
It all started in the second sem of Grade 11. The sitting arrangment was announced by our adviser and we were assigned at the center-front table next to each other. We shared laughters during free time, nervousness during exams, personal stories, encouragements, and vibe. Let me go through the details.
One time, in our Philosophy class, we were all ears to our teacher while she was nagging about the terrible attitude of the class. Until my classmate sitting in front of me pointed a booger on our table. Yes, a booger. The dirt from your nose where anywhere anytime you just prick it, stick it, and treat is as if a mini snowball. I simply poked him and told him what my classmate had seen. We were literally refraining ourselves from laughing because we were sitting in front. If caught on act, our teacher might misunderstood that we were laughing during her sermon. Another story of us together, every exam in Statistics he won't help me or let me copy answers. It was hard to interact during exam because my teacher is just one step away from me. I expected that he would help me because everytime he goes to school unprepared with our assignments, I let him copy my work. After a year I confronted him about it, he apologized and told me Statistics or any math-related subjects are the only things he excels. So he really takes it seriously. Sometimes, during our Calculus class, everytime I found the lesson hard he deliberately taught me how to solve. I do get shy because oftentimes I am slow-witted when in comes to mathematics.
In the following year, we were Grade 12 students. This was the year we always stick together. We belong to a squad of four. We became research groupmates so it was required to talk, plan, and brainstorm with our other members. He was assigned in our research computations and statistics and providing manpower for our simulation. I was the proponent of our group so my members consulted to me most of the time. Again, we were sitting close to each other and the bond gets stronger. He would accompany me during lunchbreaks to the school faucet when I needed to brush my teeth. Even when I need to poop in school, he would wait for me outside the comfort room and act as the lookout — the test of real friendship. I became comfortable with him. He became comfortable with me.
There is no expected spark nor tension between us.
We get along so well. The reason why there was no awkwardness at all, why it is impossible to ignite a spark nor tension between us was because he was in a mutual-understanding relationship for three years and I just came from an ended no label and didn't work relationship from a classmate which also happens to be his friend. He was the one giving me pieces of advice about the best decision to take. He, along with our common friends knew everything. I found a friend and a brother in him. He is a loyal man, everbody knows that. Thus, no one ever thought of the things that would happen.
The Signs I Felt
It started with a petty fight, then it piled up with another and another and bursted. We did not talked to each other for days. I distanced myself because I was disppointed with him during that time. He tried to messaged me messages I never expected to come from him. He would thank me for giving happiness everyday, told me he missed me then afterwards he would remove it. Here comes the awkward state of our friendship. Even before the fight, every time we departed ways after class he would text me, "ingat" (stay safe). I already sensed that there is something more because that definitely out of character. I started to distance myself but I still consider him as my friend but this time more casual and civil. That time, I was into someone. He is also a friend of ours, my junior high school MU. I tried to talked to him about the situation and anticipated that perhaps he would do something about it. He would grab the chance to push through what we could have been. However, he rejected me. It is as if I was told to stop bothering him.
I realized that I'm trying to fit myself to someone who cannot even listen as a friend. While I have this other friend who does nothing but care for me. And here I am an overthinker, already concluding that there might be something more. I let this thought slipped in my mind because I might be an assuming shrimp. So I tried catching up with our friendship.
The Rebirth of Our Friendship
With the remaining months ahead of our high school, things get rough with him and his special someone. He is not vocal about the girl because he doesn't want any attention cast upon them. Our whole class shipped the both of them. Of course, I supported them. The girl is definitely pretty and talented. What I knew was thet they only talked in phones most of the time. The girl is a year younger than us and a schoolmate. They only had small talks in school, sometimes they would bump into each other but act as if they hadn't seen anyone. What a way to love someone. Until one day, he just shared to us that it was over between them.
Now, I can hear few teasing pertaining to us. We don't mind them. I am certain that what we have is purely platonic love. The last fight between us just made us grow and changed ourselves for the better. It made our frienship more solid. The idea of me and him having more than our friendship is absurd. First, obviously he was recently moving on from his relationship. Second, I had been linked with his friend and our friend before. It would seem wrong. You know, bro code.
He took the risk.
A week after lockdown he gradually drops the bomb confession. We usually talk at night. Share some gossips, personal stories, life updates, life questions, societal and governmental frustrations... and attraction towards the other.
I repelled.
Author's note:
I'll try to continue and share what happened next ^^ soon! Stay sane and stay safe, readers!
