My Bestfriend's Confession
I'm aware that one of the most mind-boggling situation you can put yourself into is to confess your feelings with your bestfriend. *How far are you willing to take the risk?*
We met during 2019, our first year in senior high school. My first impression with him was, he is a practical, serious, and prudent guy. He was bald and has the look of do-not-mess-with-me-or-else type of student. He curses a lot using our dialect. Because of the authoritative aura that he has, he was elected as the class president. He is like the man of the pack. Everybody listens when he speaks. Not only that, he is also the school's reperesentative in math competitions. A solid human calculator. Most of the time, he's lazy yet a smart one. In contrary, you have me. A goofy, softie, and an overthinker. I was the happy pill of our class. The student who enjoys role plays and provides good vibes. I love making people laugh and them being fond of me! Well, I was a people-pleaser. Never have I ever thought that we would be the best buddy of each other.
It all started in the second sem of Grade 11. The sitting arrangment was announced by our adviser and we were assigned at the center-front table next to each other. We shared laughters during free time, nervousness during exams, personal stories, encouragements, and vibe. Let me go through the details.
One time, in our Philosophy class, we were all ears to our teacher while she was nagging about the terrible attitude of the class. Until my classmate sitting in front of me pointed a booger on our table. Yes, a booger. The dirt from your nose where anywhere anytime you just prick it, stick it, and treat is as if a mini snowball. I simply poked him and told him what my classmate had seen. We were literally refraining ourselves from laughing because we were sitting in front. If caught on act, our teacher might misunderstood that we were laughing during her sermon. Another story of us together, every exam in Statistics he won't help me or let me copy answers. It was hard to interact during exam because my teacher is just one step away from me. I expected that he would help me because everytime he goes to school unprepared with our assignments, I let him copy my work. After a year I confronted him about it, he apologized and told me Statistics or any math-related subjects are the only things he excels. So he really takes it seriously. Sometimes, during our Calculus class, everytime I found the lesson hard he deliberately taught me how to solve. I do get shy because oftentimes I am slow-witted when in comes to mathematics.
In the following year, we were Grade 12 students. This was the year we always stick together. We belong to a squad of four. We became research groupmates so it was required to talk, plan, and brainstorm with our other members. He was assigned in our research computations and statistics and providing manpower for our simulation. I was the proponent of our group so my members consulted to me most of the time. Again, we were sitting close to each other and the bond gets stronger. He would accompany me during lunchbreaks to the school faucet when I needed to brush my teeth. **Even when I need to poop in school, he would wait for me outside the comfort room and act as the lookout — the test of real friendship.** I became comfortable with him. He became comfortable with me.
There is no expected spark nor tension between us.
We get along so well. The reason why there was no awkwardness at all, why it is impossible to ignite a spark nor tension between us was because he was in a mutual-understanding relationship for three years and I just came from an ended *no* *label* and *didn't work* relationship from a classmate which also happens to be his friend. He was the one giving me pieces of advice about the best decision to take. He, along with our common friends knew everything. I found a friend and a brother in him. He is a loyal man, everbody knows that. Thus, no one ever thought of the things that would happen.
The Signs I Felt
It started with a petty fight, then it piled up with another and another and bursted. We did not talked to each other for days. I distanced myself because I was disppointed with him during that time. He tried to messaged me messages I never expected to come from him. He would thank me for giving happiness everyday, told me he missed me then afterwards he would remove it. Here comes the awkward state of our friendship. Even before the fight, every time we departed ways after class he would text me, "ingat" (stay safe). I already sensed that there is something more because that definitely out of character. I started to distance myself but I still consider him as my friend but this time more casual and civil. That time, I was into someone. He is also a friend of ours, my junior high school MU. I tried to talked to him about the situation and anticipated that perhaps he would do something about it. He would grab the chance to push through what we could have been. However, he rejected me. It is as if I was told to stop bothering him.
I realized that I'm trying to fit myself to someone who cannot even listen as a friend. While I have this other friend who does nothing but care for me. And here I am an overthinker, already concluding that there might be something more. I let this thought slipped in my mind because I might be an assuming shrimp. So I tried catching up with our friendship.
The Rebirth of Our Friendship
With the remaining months ahead of our high school, things get rough with him and his special someone. He is not vocal about the girl because he doesn't want any attention cast upon them. Our whole class shipped the both of them. Of course, I supported them. The girl is definitely pretty and talented. What I knew was thet they only talked in phones most of the time. The girl is a year younger than us and a schoolmate. They only had small talks in school, sometimes they would bump into each other but act as if they hadn't seen anyone. What a way to love someone. Until one day, he just shared to us that it was over between them.
Now, I can hear few teasing pertaining to us. We don't mind them. I am certain that what we have is purely platonic love. The last fight between us just made us grow and changed ourselves for the better. It made our frienship more solid. The idea of me and him having more than our friendship is absurd. First, obviously he was recently moving on from his relationship. Second, I had been linked with his friend and our friend before. It would seem wrong. You know, bro code.
He took the risk.
A week after lockdown he gradually drops the bomb confession. We usually talk at night. Share some gossips, personal stories, life updates, life questions, societal and governmental frustrations... and attraction towards the other.
*I repelled.*
****Author's note:****
I'll try to continue and share what happened next ^^ soon! Stay sane and stay safe, readers!
The Philippines is severely wounded. It has been through a lot. Every day is becoming worse. People are dying. People are fighting. People are crying. People are raging. How are we supposed to hold on? Filipinos don't even feel safe under the current regime. Problems continuously arise and come after another but it seems that nothing is nearly accomplished.
BEFORE SUNRISE is a wholesome classic movie. That is it.
Love is the mundane things in life. Explore, meet new people, talk to strangers, share yourself. It is just so heartwarming. The little gestures of affection, it's there. Don't be afraid of the world.
If you still haven't watched the movie, this is already the sign!
Lockdown Birthdays in Year 2020-2021
Year 2020 was catastrophic for the entire world.
Internationally, the dispute between United States and Iran was almost considered as the brink of World War 3; global wildfire crisis occurred around the world that killed and displaced animals. The COVID-19 broke out in China and gradually to other states; the Krokatoa Volcano erupted in Lampung, Hawaii that left an enormous casualties and damage in the island.
In the Philippines, we were welcomed by the Taal Volcano eruption in Batangas last January 2020 that affected thousands of families within the area and its neighboring provinces. In the same month, the first case of COVID-19 was recorded. In March, the government imposed a nationwide lockdown that no one thought would reach until this year 2021. It has been more than a year of adapting and living with this new normal. With the different events that occured during 2020, it is hard to encapsulate them all. However, I am certain that we apparently expected this pandemic to last this long in the Philippines with the kind of COVID response that had been implemented during the earlier months of lockdown. Citizens were not surprised but disappointed yet remained hopeful. With all of these happening around us, we need be sensitive with the situation and obedient with the guidelines.
**Here Comes My Story**
It was March 14, 2020, my last senior high school day because the next morning would be the first lockdown. The darkness was starting to engulf the light from the sun. My friends and I did what we normally do after class dismissal — walk our way to jeepney terminal after classes, hangout, and eat whatever streetfood we see. We were delighted because we knew the following school days would be just days of waiting for the kick-off party and preparations for our graduation. We planned what we'll do with our remaining moments together inside the school premises. Basically, we had everything planned out. I was just so excited and anticipating with the upcoming momentous events in my life — and that includes my 18th birthday, my debut. It could have been a double celebration with April 2 as my special day and April 3 as my graduation day.
Unfortunately, the protocols were tightened and strictly followed by the month of April. No mass gatherings means no big birthday celebration and graduation. Nevertheless, my family made my day special. It was attended by my selected relatives and two of my close friends within our barangay. It was simple yet meaningful. At night, there were still *what if's* and *what could have been's*.
Fast forward to April 2021. The surge of cases in our country breaches even higher. The second lockdown was then imposed nearly before my birthday. It was a Good Friday, the second time I celebrated my birthday during a lockdown. At first, I started to believe that perhaps I do have bad luck. But in no time, I realized that maybe everything happened for us to learn and discover something from it. And this has become my mindset.
I thought, I need to take this solemn and simple day as a chance to document the precious mundane moments that I often overlook— people who keep me sane and insane at the same time, senseless and substantial conversations, good company, good friends, good food, a gracious and bonded family, and good God. The quality things I have.
These are the simple things that sometimes are hard to appreciate and recognize. **Ironically, simple things aren't always easy but necessary for our well-being .** When you're at it, there's definitely nothing like doing nothing with them.
For the whole year quarantined with my thoughts and introspections, I believe I've became even more courageous. Why? Recently, I was able to cut my own bangs shorter than before! I could say "no" better without feeling guilty. I've also appreciated myself even more. Live up to my values and metrics. Render my time and energy for those people and situations that actually matter. And lastly, deal with unextricable thread of emotional instability and step out of my cocoon to gradually reach out, connect and show myself outside my zone. *It has been liberating to know that life still is wonderful.*
Perhaps I've successfully exploited these experiences during my consecutive lockdown birthdays. Well, I am grateful and will always be.
Not to give a pleasant-sounding cliché but I'm certain —**All will be alright in time, puhon.**
Meet The Try-hard
***"No offense, but you're trying hard..."***
*During the first quarter of this pandemic, I was trying to backread conversations with my junior high school classmates because I had nothing to do. At first, it felt nostalgic and giddy reading messages from the past years talking about our crushes, our homeworks, group presentations and other academic matters. Until I came to this classmate, there was a day before that I messaged her and suggested if we can improve our presentation even better. She refused to do so. I insisted and encouraged her that we can exert more ideas because I knew our capabilities; I knew we can. I stopped scrolling as I stumbled on this reply of hers pertaining to me. I got struck.*
After that incident, I had undergone a series of introspection. From that day backwards, I was unaware, ashamed, and in denial of it. Presently, I realized that the person I am today has become the product of the past years of being a try-hard in life. And finally, it feels gratifying embracing and sharing a part of me with you!
**Personal Life**
I belong to a Bicolano and Bulakenya lineage, my father the former and my mother the latter. I spent my childhood days in my mother's hometown and my teenage days onwards in my father's. I am the second among the four children of my parents. Fortunately, didn't experience the second child syndrome. I am aware how my parents worked tremendously to support our needs and even our wants which provoked me to be a try-hard child for my parents; to be a responsible and good daughter to them as reciprocate to their deeds.
I'm an ambivert; I make sure to balance the features of being an introvert and extrovert. I'm on my introvert mode when I needed time for myself. When I read and study, I prefer not to be with a cacophony of voices surrounding me. I love solitude, silence. My creative juices are alive during this episode. Comfort room is my safe space during my deposit time. On the other hand, the extrovert mode is on everytime I need some human connection. I believe it's unequivocally necessary most importantly considering the physical distancing protocol imposed on us. I am a light, open-minded, and adventurous person. I can confidently say that I have my humurous side. Hence, I'm not good at handling serious situations. Instances like when my mother is scolding us, when our teacher's voice cracks or spitting fiery anger. I'm that person who tries hard not to laugh. See, a try-hard! Update: I have better self-control now.
I express my emotions and ideas through writing. Also, I often do calligraphy and painting. It's my way to somehow release the weight of accumulated anxiety and worries I'm carrying. Another way to get my face turn back to my phone or any of my social media accounts for the entire day is reading. This greatly helps me improve my imagination, vocabulary, and peace of mind. I am not at my best at these things, thus I try hard to improve and learn.
**Academic Life**
I guess, when I was in third grade of elementary the slap of realization hit me with the significance of education. The rewarding feeling of achieving something every end of a school year make parents proud. I am not smart nor gifted so I studied hard. Then, studied harder until I finished as the class valedictorian of our elementary batch.
Then came junior high school. I was admitted among the 80 qualifiers of the science-oriented class. It has two sections, I was in the second. I can have the chance to be in the first section next school year only if I outranked students from the prior section — so I try harder. I would usually be extra active on presentations, exams, and recitations. In God's grace, I topped my section and got the 5th rank overall our batch. Since then, I finished my remaining 3 years in Junior High School belonging in the first section of Science-Oriented curriculum. A bumpy journey of trying hard and staying on and above the line, indeed.
I transferred school for my two-year senior high school life. New environment, new people, and with more enthusiasm and drive. I was pushed really hard on this. I was with the plethora of smart, unique, and talented beings. I felt mediocre, an average or maybe below it. At least, I have a heap of confidence and my humour in me to get along. I'm with the best of the best, and I'm devouring pressure. So I really tried hard. First year was quite a good starter but honestly not the best one. Second year was a bomb of opportunties and potential-discovering. I experienced to be competed and to represent my school that I couldn't even thought was possible. Finally, graduated With High Honors having the second highest average among our batch. It all happened because I stick to my values. I insisted. I persisted. I tried hard.
College fastly approached, I wasn't able to qualify in University of the Philippines. However, God blessed me and brought redirection when I ranked 1st on the entrance examination for BS Mining Engineering Program within our region. Currently, I'm on my 2nd year in college. Still has the same energy but more mindful and wiser to where I'm pouring my energy into.
**Conclusion**
***On a personal note, it's okay to be a try-hard to situations you know are worth it. It's our own life anyway. We're constantly traversing a learning process for personal growth and character development. If we have goals in mind, the initial step is to do something to pursuing it — by trying and trying harder. As long as there are room for improvements and opportunities, seize it and don't waste any of it. Nonetheless, exhaustion is an extricable thread that we can disentangle by taking a pause and by reflecting.***
My present journey doesn't happen overnight, it is coupled with 5P's: passion, purpose, patience, persistence, and prayers. It worked on me. I hope it did and will work on you, too.
I am Hershey; the try-hard, not offended — and this is my story.
***Additional Note:***
Hello! My sister recommended me this platform since she knows I love to read and write articles. I'm still figuring out everything here particularly how I can change my username 'chocnut' because it sounds so funny T.T Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed reading my first published article :)
@chocnut