I grew up with a complete and happy family. However, we are not perfect or ideal, in short, we also have our fights and struggles. And as the eldest daughter, I saw how my family cope with everything from the past up until now, and how we grow together by solving our misunderstandings and shortcomings.
As I grew older, I slowly notice the reality. Then a sudden epiphany strikes me. Realizing how important my role is in our home. This is the time where the pressure begins.
As the eldest with two sisters and one brother, I became their friend, playmate, enemy, teacher, and standard. They will try the things that I like. They will copy my actions and words. They will follow my steps in every decision I make. I witnessed it all, even though I know they will deny it. Being together every day and seeing the things we do in the four walls of our home, the character that I have, they unconsciously adopt it.
On the other hand, some of them do the contrary of my manners to avoid comparison. But one thing is for sure, the way I treat them will have an impact on their personality. I become the basis of their growth and this gives me a sense of encouragement to be good, to do well. However, at the same time, you can't hide the burden it gives. Because we are not always in our best self, we are not always optimistic, and we are not always ready for challenges.
Sometimes, I strived hard to control my emotions that can trigger unwanted feuds. I also tried hard to think maturely and positively. I've done things knowing that I am not by myself that I have sisters and a brother, which is a blessing to have.
My mother married early because she had me. She gave up her study and youth by taking care of me. My father has a stable job and he wanted my mother to just stay at home and focus on us. He didn't want his children to grow up without their both parents beside them because he's working in a different place and went home for one week every month.
As I see their sacrifices, I have this cloud of worries in me. Even though they didn't say it, I have this responsibility as the eldest. They are getting older and time passes by like a wind that eventually can change everything. Just like now, my father was a very healthy living person but in a snap, he's suffering from rheumatoid arthritis. He suffered from it for two months and with this, we struggle with our finances because of no work, no pay policy in their company. I wanted to help at that time so I tried tutoring kids to earn some money. With that happening, my priorities and goals become clear. I must be strong and wise enough to embark on this long journey. I need to be prepared because I don't want to regret things in the future.
The Bigger Person
I talked about the big sacrifices of my parents which I am very sorry and grateful for. And now, I am going to tell you about my difficulties. At a very young age, I learned to step back when it comes to food, clothes, or attention. Since my sister and I have only a year gap, I quickly understood these two words —care and share.
Then, my little sister and brother came. An addition to our family and it means I am more behind the scene. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and siblings, I don't have any bitterness with them. However, a big family indicates that I need to be a bigger person. I need to understand that my things are not just my own. I need to have long patience with all their noise, fights, and disorderliness. And most importantly, I need to put them first than myself.
I know that I am not perfect in every way, but seeing how I do well until now made me teary-eyed while writing this. I do also know that I lack things and I have still multiple things to learn but I firmly believe, with the support, guidance, and love of my family, I can be this bigger person with a bigger heart.
Being under pressure has its effect on our daily lives. We cannot enjoy the present that we have, and we cannot appreciate the little achievements that we have done. So, I have concluded to not be so hard on myself because the only thing that pressures us the most is ourselves.
I hope you like this article and if you want to get to know me just click the link below. Thank you!
Although our parents did not really require us to become the Bigger person, it's already up to us if we will choose to. I think it's in our nature (the eldest siblings) to be more aware about the happenings in our families. At some point, I also wanted to help and took a step back because of our shortcomings. But we are still thriving and I hope we should all be especially in this time of pandemic.