My Insecurities That Almost Drove Me Nuts

Before I learned to accept my imperfections, I was once a person full of insecurities in life. As a person with a disability, dealing with life is never easy, especially when you see people having the best time of their lives while you are stuck elsewhere.

To be honest, none of my family or friends knew the real score about how I truly felt. What they saw in me was a person who tried to survive the world and make a living. A person who laughs a lot, despite everything, so none of them knew that I was dying inside.

In this article, I'm going to share with you a few insecurities that I had back then. They still come every once in a while but luckily, I'm already matured enough to handle them on my own. So here are a few lists of my insecurities that almost drove me nuts:

Can't wear this and that

When I was in grade school even up to college, I never wore jeans or shorts. Everything had to be in dresses. It's not that my mom won't let me, but I just didn't want to be the people's center of attraction.

Well, I've had always been a center of attraction. People would look at me like I'm some kind of an alien, who doesn't belong on this planet. Though some people would look at me coz they find me cute and very innocent despite my situation, the rest of the world has those prying eyes that could melt you down with just a few stares.

Anyway, as I've said, I never wore jeans back then and that was one of my well-hidden frustration. Although they didn't notice it, I wanted to experience wearing jeans or other outfits without having to worry about judgmental people.

Now that I'm no longer using a crutch, I always wear jeans and no dresses this time. It's ironic because before all I wanted was to be able to wear jeans but now, all I dreamed is to wear nice dresses.

But then again, wearing dresses would only attract more people to start staring at me from head to toe, so I'm just trying to avoid that.

No sandals; just closed, comfy, rubber shoes

There are two main reasons why I can't wear any footwear other than just rubber shoes. But I'm not ready to reveal the first one yet, so I'll go for the second part.

Rubber shoes are the only footwear that I can wear outside. Not only are they comfy to wear, but they also protect my artificial foot from rain, dust, and other harmful substances that could damage it.

Plus, since my left foot is the only one supporting my entire weight, it has to wear something super comfy to survive the exhausting part of walking or standing. Otherwise, it would only put a lot of pressure and may cause too much stress.

At home, however, I wear those slip-on sandals with straps to give my foot that nice, cozy feeling. Luckily, the not authentic version of crocs was invented.

Can't enjoy the beach

I love beaches. I love the sun, the sand, and the breezy salty air feels. I love everything about the beach, but I don't want to go there, not unless I'm with my fam.

When I was in Cebu, I had always been invited by my colleagues to join with them, but I always say no. They thought I was a bitch who was too worried about the sun, but what they didn't know was that beach would only make me sad.

I so love the beach that when I look at the people enjoying the water, it made me so sad about it because I can't even go near the water. As you all know, most prosthetic legs are not allowed to get wet. It should always remain dry to last long.

And if I go there with friends, how am I supposed to get into the water? Plus, I also don't want to be their burden. I don't want them to feel bad about me being stuck in the cottage because I can't swim. But with my fam and depending on the location like the one we went to recently, it was perfect so I enjoyed it there.

No hiking or even a not so long walk for me

As much as I wanted to do a long walk, I just can't. Long walks, especially on a rough road, could trigger blisters in both my foot and my right knee. I can't even survive standing for too long.

When I was in Cebu, I would walk from work to the highway just to at least get sweat. It was a terrible idea, but I had to endure the pain just to at least get the exercise I need. Now that I'm not in Cebu anymore, and I work home-based, I don't have to deal with that anymore.

Can't run

Even up to now, seeing people going for a run makes me feel insecure. Lol. Those little things that people didn't care much about are some of my wish-I-could-do stuff. The only time I could run was during my dream, where I was either chased by a killer or a tsunami was about to hit us. Yes, the tsunami has always been one of the many nightmares I've had ever since a huge tsunami had struck Japan.

Closing thoughts

These were/are just a few of my insecurities in life. Though I'm not as affected as before, once in a while, I'd woke up feeling so insecure about my life and how I wish I was born different.

I got told before by a few that if I wasn't born this way, my life would have been so much fun. Well, that could have been the case but then, God knows better, and I know he has a better plan for me. At least, I still got to enjoy the other things in life, thanks to my other senses, family, and a few real friends.