My first heartbreak

Have you ever experience having your heart get broken by someone you love? How does it feel? How did you move on? Have you already moved on? What happened? 

Since this is my 50th article, I want to share with you my first heartbreak. This is another part where you get to know a little of me and my past. I just turned 22 when I had experience it. 

I met him when I was 21 at my workplace. I was a food server and he was a pump attendant, a gas boy to be exact. I started to have a crush on him because of his looks because he looks neat and looks like a good guy. I gathered some information about him. I found out that he likes our accounting staff and that he has a girlfriend. But because we have a friendly working environment, we became close with the pump attendants and our office staffs. The restaurant I was working with was in a gas station and it was under one company. 

I am the type that gets along with anyone even if at first they would say that I was snobbish because of my eyes and my eyebrows plus given my education attainment and the way I live where my parents sometimes drop me at work and picks me up when my duty was over. They said that they thought I wasn't the friendly type or the type who would be friends with people in their level. I was the opposite of what they were thinking. So I became friends with all of them. I remember our boss even praised me for being friendly to everyone. 

I don't forgot how we started to become close or who texted who first. But I can remember that we used to text each other. And whenever he would go home to his province a day or night before his day off, he would tell it to me. My feelings became deeper because of his actions. I know that he likes our accounting staff and that he has a girlfriend but here he is flirting with me. Our accounting staff was also getting more close to one pump attendant. So I told myself maybe this guy is flirting with me because our accounting staff now is getting close with another guy. But I didn't mind all those things because I was already falling for him. I know I shouldn't have especially because he has a girlfriend and I apologize for my actions. I was young and I wasn't thinking straight. All I wanted was to follow my happiness. It was also what my workmates has been telling me when they knew about me having feelings for him. Of course not all were in favor of what I was getting myself into but majority were for on my side to to go for it. 

Our love story lasted only a few months. We were happy and I felt that his feeling were genuine although what still bothers me was that he was still with his girlfriend. I have asked him to break it off with her but his condition was for me to tell my parents especially my mom about us. He was actually asking a lot from me. He was the first guy that I had started to have mutual feelings and I told him that I never had a boyfriend ever before. But even if I haven't had a boyfriend, I know that my parents would want me to meet someone or be in a relationship with someone who is professional or someone that went to a good school. 

I mustered up my courage to slightly tell my mom about it. She got mad at me. She even told me that I wasn't thinking straight and that maybe my mind has been damaged with the slimming pills that I have tried before. I just told her that someone was courting me but in reality we were already together but not officially because he has a girlfriend. My mom said not to entertain a gas boy and stuffs. I even told my mom that there was also someone who was courting me and is working at a call center or BPO (business process outsourcing) company. He was a friend of my workmate who graduated from a good school but not from top schools here in the Philippines. Has a car, brought up by a good family and he was also good. But my mom didn't like him as well. He even went here to our house to show to introduce himself but he got snobbed by mom. I feel so ashamed with how my mom treated him. I think that is also one of the factors why I am not up for a marriage. My mom has a high standard for my love life. I don't think I'll be able to meet someone of her standards in my career path. Does she want me to seduce every rich customer who eats in our restaurant? 

Going back to my first heartbreak before I keep on blabbering about my mom. LOL. So I told him that I already told my mom about us but she disspproves of him. My mom has been more strict as she would be at my workplace an hour early to pick me up. So we didn't have a lot of time to spent together. My workmates and I thought of how we can spend time together. It was helpful but it was during that time that I became rebellious. I would lie to my mom so that I can be with him. I really chose my happiness. I became distant to my family and my mom became more strict and cautious of my actions. The more strict she is, the more rebellious I became. 

Until the day that he had to tell me a not so good news. A day before that he told me that he needs to go home because of emergency in their home. I waited for a text or call from him since the time he went home but there was no news of him. More than 24 hours and there was still no update from him and I was really getting worried about what he meant emergency in their home. The following day, I was on closing shift and hours before my duty ends, he called and told me that his girlfriend was pregnant. I cried so hard that I kept on punching the floor tiles. I was able to answer his call because we didn't have any guests and I was friends with my workmates and office staffs. They knew that I was dying to hear from him. I was so shocked about it. He told me that nothing was happening between the two of them when I came into the picture but it was all a lie. Yes I know that he maybe lying but I trusted his words. He told me that he couldn't go to work because the family of his girlfriend didn't allow him to go anywhere and he will get sued in their local government. It was a quick call and he said that he begged his girlfriend to call me because he knows how worried I was already. By the tone of his voice, I knew in my heart that he was telling the truth and that he also didn't expect that he would get his girlfriend pregnant. I know I have dropped the phone just like how it was in movies so the boyfriend of our accounting staff (the other pump attendant I mentioned earlier), picked up the phone and talk to him. 

My mind was so blank after the call and my eyes were so puffy. My workmates and accounting staff we worried that my mom would notice my eyes. I don't know how I was able to het a hold of myself with the shocking news that I got but I was lucky my mom didn't saw my eyes because it was already dark. I still went to work the following day but I wasn't in the mood to work. I needed to talk to him, I needed to see him and I needed some answers about us if things between us were really over. I was still hoping that we still have a chance. Pathetic right? So my workmates have decided that we should go to his province so everything will be solved. 

A few days after, I headed to their province. What did I told my mom? I asked someone to ask for my mom's permission to spend few nights with them. Another lie? Yes and it was the lie that had slapped me in the face. I was in their province when it was already dark. It was also raining. He didn't know that I had plans to go there. I was accompanied by one of my workmates who knows his province. Our accounting staff and her boyfriend followed after their shift. They were the ones who was able to contact my past flame. They told him that I will be waiting for him in one restaurant near their place. I waited for hours. I was in an unfamiliar place checking each and every person that passes me by if it was already him. Only to find out that he and his girlfriend were already upstairs inside the restaurant watching me. When our accounting staff and her boyfriend came, that was the only time that I knew that he was already upstairs. When I met him, he was alone but he later told me that his girlfriend was just at the other table. He ended things between us because he had to be a father for his coming child. I respected his decision even if it hurts. I went back home with my heart shattered in so many pieces. 

He had to resign because his girlfriend doesn't want us to be in one place. After a weeks or a month, we found out that his girlfriend had a miscarriage. I was atill hoping that we can get back together now that there is no baby involve. But he was so firm with his decision that he would stay with his girlfriend. Another slap in my face right? It took me a long time to moved on. I did a lot of crazy things just to move on but it helped a little. It was only when I had resigned from the company when I have finally forgotten about him. It was also with the second company when I have experienced my second and hopefully not my last heartbreak. LOL. Though it wasn't as painful as how it is with my first. Maybe because it had different scenarios. Well both are the same without having labels. But with the first one, it was short but I felt that he did loved me. With the second, we were "friends" for a long time and he just ditched me a few years ago only to find out that he had a new girl. 

I would also like to know how it feels to have to 2 "friends" at the same time. I have always been thinking about it even before but I am not really the type who would do that to the person that I love. I am friendly with other guys that some would think that I am flirting with them but no. I only give my all to the one I love. Remember the call center guy? He was really making a move on me but I have already committed myself to the pump attendant. If he would have been the first one I met, maybe I would have had a different love story. 

I know I kept some of his letters and our pictures together but I haven't seen even one of it. Maybe my mom had saw it before and burned them. LOL. I was on general cleaning mode the past few weeks remember? I was hoping I can read it all again and see my cutest smile in our pictures. I like my smile when I am in love. I wish to see that again.

By the way, I also loss a few pounds after my first heartbreak. LOL. I thought it was only in movies when you don't want to eat after a heartbreak. Indeed it was all true. I wasn't able to eat for a couple of weeks or more. I wasn't me during that stage. I was the exact opposite of who I am. I didn't smile, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to do anything and I was in dazed. I am happy that I got to experience that. They say first love never dies. I don't know if that is true. He did happened to find me on Facebook and message me after more than a decade. It was under mesaage requests. It was just a thumbs up sign and after a few days, he unsent it. Out of curiousity, I checked his profile and he is now happily married with his girlfriend. I guess they are really meant to be that I came into their life to make their relationship stronger don't you think? I am happy for them. There is no more hoping for me that he is my soulmate or my destiny. For months after he ended things between us and after I found out about the miscarriage, yes I was so hung up with the fact that maybe we are the ones who should end up together. That was before and maybe because he was my first and I was young. 

Now I know how to guard my heart. I have learned a lot of lesson but I'm still ok with flirtationship. LOL. I just thought about sharing with you my first heartbreak because I remembered my friend who is currently undergoing a heartbreak. He's not her first but I think she loved him so much other than her past relationships. Before it was the guys who loved her more and now it was she who loved the guy more. Oh heartbreaks! When and where can I find my happily ever after? LOL. 

Anyway, thank you for taking time to read my article. I really have moved on and I wish them all the happiness in the world.