Current mood

I never expected that I will be experiencing different feelings again because of the recent social event that I attended. From being nervous of introducing myself in front of a lot of people to being unsociable to having low self-confidence and low self-esteem and lastly self-pity. Although the latter is very common to me everytime something would come up. However, due to the people that I have encountered in the party, it only made me realize how I  screwed up my life.

Ever since then I know that the organization where my dad is a member consists of professional people. Whether it is a doctor, nurse, lawyer, engineer, architect, politician, athlete, colonel, general, chief police, celebrity, businessman and the like, in short, they are all successful. Here I go again with a person's success. As far as I know, their organization is open for all guys no matter what your profession and religion is as long as you abide by their rules and regulations and you have the capacity to support yourself and your family if you already have a family of your own. I may not know the detailed requirements for a guy to join but what I do know is that other than the membership fee, there are also some dues to be paid yearly and that you have to attend weekly and/or monthly meetings.

Being surrounded with successful professionals made me feel that I was so small not because I am unemployed but because of my past work experiences. My montly salary before was far from the monthly salary of the people at the party. I felt like I do not belong to such events even if it was just a social gathering where the ladies group together to eat, drink, chat and have fun. I do not know why I suddenly had that kind of feeling. My high school and college friends are all successful that they can support themselves and their family and honestly, I had envied them but I never felt so small whenever I am with them even when they have treated me countless times for my birthday.

Have you ever felt being so small because of the people around you? Have you ever felt that you do not belong? I know some of us have already experienced my last question. But what was it about when you felt that you do not belong? Was it with your friends, classmates, workmates or family? I remember feeling left out when I was still working at company E. Majority of the people were 5 years or more younger than me and I really felt there was a wall between me and the rest of the staffs. I handled 3 stores that time. Store A was my home store and I was close to them about 80%. It was in store B where I felt connected with all of the staffs both front and back of the house but in store C, I was only close to 40% of the people. There were even staffs who did not respect me as their manager. I hated having my duty in that store not only was it far but because of the people. No matter how much I tried to get to know them, they did not gave me the chance to do so. But that kind of feeling is not the same as to how I felt at the party. Yes I may have been unsociable but there was that feeling that my world is far different from theirs even if they did welcomed us ladies. There was this feeling that if I were to like someone from the crowd, it would be like we are from 2 different worlds or status.

Speaking of crush, I did had my eyes on someone at the party. However, at the end of the day, I found out that he was married and has 3 kids. Well I still did my research the following night and looked for him on Facebook and found out that he actually has 4 kids. LOL. His wife just gave birth 2 years ago. Probably my former boss was not aware of the 4th child. While I was at the party, I cannot help but to think about a lot of things especially about love. I kept thinking about the people whom I fell in love with in the past and how their status differ from the people at the party. I was thinking that if I had chosen a different path, maybe I would have had a relationship with a lawyer, doctor, architect, engineer or someone that is not from the restaurant industry. Even if things did not work out between me and my first love who was a gas boy and my last flirtationship who was a restaurant supervisor, I am still proud to tell my stories to other people. Though it is only with my last that I have pictures of him as I have kept it in a USB. With my first love, I did kept some hard copies of those photos but I am certain that my mom threw it all away. I tried checking each memory cards that I had with him but they were all corrupted.

I know that we are all bound to meet and fall in love with someone that is meant for us no matter what their life's status is. However, I cannot help but to feel that majority of us fall in love with people that is within the same bracket as ours, the elite for the elite and the poor for the poor. A few will only fall in love with someone that is not with the same bracket as they are just like in some dramas or movies wherein a lot of stories will be about the rich who fell in love with the poor and together they would conquer some challenges. Do you know someone who fell in love with someone that isn't from his or her same bracket and are still together? I remember those times on how I fought for my first love to my mom. I can still picture how my mom glared at me when I was telling her about him. Let's not forget how cold and rude my mom was when I went home with him together with our other workmates as we wanted to hang out at home rather than somewhere. It was like my mom's eyes were throwing laser beams at him and the following day, my mom told me that I should not bring any guys at home whether I have a thing with them or not. The only guys that were allowed were my college friends. Thankfully, when I worked at company D, my mom was ok that I invited my workmates at home.

I do not know until when I would be having or thinking about this. I honestly hate this kind of feeling.

July 08, 2022

P.S. lead image is a selfie with one of my bosses from company D taken during the party.