Beauty and the beast

We have heard even when we were young that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. We all have different preferences when it comes to physical looks. There arw times that people would tell us that we are beautiful but it is not what we feel nor see whenever we look in the mirror. Agree or agree?

I have mentioned before that I never really liked looking in the mirror even when I was young. Gradually it changed due to having braces and when I started losing weight. From an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. I learned to love myself because I was already a little slim. I would even say a lot of positive things whenever I would look at myself in the mirror, I would also say, "I love you! I love me!" and I saw how it radiates my look even more. However, I am back to not liking that girl in the mirror again because from beauty became beast.

Honestly, I felt really flattered when people commented that I was beautiful in the blurred photo on one of my noisy post. My photo that I always use as lead image. That photo was taken years ago when I was still very much in love with my past flirtationship. I mentioned before that my smile was different compared to when I was with him. I wore that sweetest smile that everyone would really say that I was glowing.

But I do not know where that smile or beauty is now. I have this love-hate relationship with myself. In my heart, I feel beautiful but that is not what my mind is telling me whenever I look at the mirror these days. I know I always say that I will start to watch what I eat and I would start getting back into shape but it seems like it is not yet time or am I just making some excuses? Partly yes and partly no. You all know that the past few weeks I was at my brother's place. They would eat 4 times a day and I would just lessen my rice intake. I could not exercise there because of inadequate space. The only exercise that I can do is to go up and down their stairs which was too steep. Whenever I would reach the top floor which was were I sleep, I was always running out of breath and my heart would beat really fast. It will take a minute for it to go back to normal.

This December I was already planning to start eating healthy again. I have even equiped myself not only with the right smartwatch but I also with the right mindset. I even bought a blender, chicken, fruits and vegetables because I was planning to do my old diet where I would only eat boiled chicken and vegetables then fruits for snacks and only consume lots of water. But my brother asked for my assistance again that I was not able to start with my diet. It is hars to be on a diet when you arw at somebody else's house.

I know that beauty is not the one that is seen by our eyes but of our hearts. Though it is hard when your mind is battling with your heart. I know I am beautiful but no matter how much I try to convince myself that I am, I cannot make it to agree. I feel so ugly not only because of those acne marks that I did not have before but also because of my scars and my tummy that looks like I am 5 months pregnant. These past feq weeks, whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I see the beauty within me but I cannot see it radiating through me.

Coco Chanel once said that "Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself". I am myself. I am still that friendly and jolly person that everybody once knew. I feel beautiful but why do I see a beast? Sometimes I do not want to look in the mirror. I also do not want to see the me from years ago because I would only be reminded of how good I looked and good I felt during those times. Frankly, there are days that I do feel depressed whenever I would see the me now and the me then. No matter how I tried to motivate myself, I still cannot pull myself back up.

I do believe that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes but I do not know why I do not think that I am beautiful. Probably because I am at my heaviest now unlike before that I was able to maintain my body even if I was chubby. I have put on a make-up when I was at my brother's store but it was so ugly. Our mind is so powerful that it really made me see a beast. It just proves that make-ups cannot make you beautiful as long as you are not confident with yourself. I hope in the coming year, I will be able to see that confidence in me again. I hope to see that Jonna that is confidently beautiful with a heart. Oh yes, that famous line of Miss Universe Pia Wurtzbach. I know I keep on telling everyone that we are imperfectly perfect and that we are uniquely beautiful. Lately, I cannot seem to apply it to myself. I do not know if it was because I can no longer wear the clothes that I used to wear before or because I easily get exhausted especially while I was at my brother's store or because I was not able to hear masses and pray that the negativities are starting to kick in. I hope that I can shake this off these coming days.

It's only the hair that did not change. LOL. My back is as wide as a cabinet. I can say a lot of mean words to the me now.

P.S. lead image is a photo of the beauty (2016) and the beast (2021).