Phantasm

Reality is your dream, becoming a nightmare.

"Don't just suck! Play with the darn thing. Give it some love. Feelings! Emotions! That face, fix it right this moment, show that you're enjoying it! My child, how would you please young master with that kind of stoic face?"

My teacher's sultry voice seeped through my skin and though I was accustomed to the nature of my lessons, I was still reluctant to do anything she says. I never had approved in doing them, they were all laid upon me without my permission. And I just blindly followed their will like a good service dog. It was always the easiest way around not to retaliate.

To the obvious eyes, it would be my fault but what good it would do me-- fighting them. I always ask that question myself and every time I did was useless, there was never a good enough answer. There was never a way to escape.

"Eliza, are you listening to me? you move like a robot! Without emotion, you could never win anyone’s heart. That is not the way to do it! Look at me! Let me have it!" Venicia snapped at me, snatching away the plastic rubbery penis in my hand.

She swatted me away, our position reversed. The sex toy went to her open mouth almost disappearing the whole length in an instant. Her eyes drilled on mine, imagining me as her employer, Yulian, demanding me to bow down and worship her.

Guttural sounds filled the room.

Venicia started to massage the length of the dildo with her two hands-- up and down, up and down she went. Her tongue played with the round top and with a rhythmical motion she would bob her head down to almost swallowing the whole thing in her mouth. Spit ran down the side of her lips. The black of her eyes disappeared as she enveloped herself with lust and wanting.

My stomach revolted with her sight and I almost wanted to puke on my spot.

I clenched my arms around my stomach trying to fight away the revolting sensations while my eyes were still fixated on my teacher's figure. I avoided blinking as to not give way to my inner thoughts.

I wanted to fight it. The idea of becoming like her is out of my wildest dream. Though, fate was never on my side. Fate was the greatest enemy I have had, for no matter how I deny it, even to myself, I am already like Venecia. My family created me to be just like her long before I fully understand everything.

"Let me have my try," I said feeling tired. The desire of having it done was overbearing at the moment. Succumbing to their rules rather than igniting defiance was much easier and favorable.

Venecia reached for the drawer and handed me a new dildo. My hands reluctantly wrapped around the toy; massaging its rubbery texture. I spat in its head giving it a lube. A big sigh escaped my lips. I would rather sit my whole day behind the heaps of books that surrounded us and learn about the great voyage of Vasco de Gama or Marcopolo. Training how to seduce a man is pointless when every man on earth is fueled with testosterone, any women are capable of seducing a man. And what is there to learn besides them having an ego the size of Pacific?

"Eliza," urged Venecia, she said the name more than once and I hadn't responded to it. I could not get accustomed to the foreign name. Names are the proof of someone's identity and Yulian stripped me of mine when he gave me Eliza. "Child? Are you going to do it or not?" She was angry and frustrated, yet her words wouldn't penetrate through my brain. She was just another version of Candice.

Drained. I closed my eyes. The dildo seemed to have grown in my hands. It seemed to have a life of its own, a heart beating within my grip. I palmed it the same motion Venicia did, the same way Candice taught me when I was much younger.

"What is it?" I asked Candice with innocence.

She bent her head to the side to think for a while. "What does it look like?" she inquired.

"Um..." I wasn't sure how to answer her, I knew what the thing looks like but I was afraid of what she would make me do with it.

"Do you know what is it for? Child, we're not playing, this here is your lesson so please..." Her voice implied sternly.

Tears brimmed the side of my eyes but I held them dearly, I didn't want Candice to see me crying. I didn't want any stick; it hurts a lot. I swallowed the lump on my throat. "It's a toy use for pleasure."

"Yes, it is, my child. Now that you have your first blood, you’re already a woman. And that means your training will be different from now on," she explained, her hands on my shoulder while her mouth spoke directly to my ear.

"How?" I asked her in a very small voice, almost inaudible.

"We will start with this little thing. Now, what will you tell me, huh?"

"Mistress Candice, will you please teach me how to use it?"

"Of course, my child! Do it like this. Your hands in here at the tip then you slowly move them down then up and down and up again... Just like playing with your violin, you have to have a certain rhythm to it. Now, you have to use your mouth. Open those pink lips wide and move it down to the tip, use your tongue. Imagine your favorite ice cream flavor; the toy in your hand is your favorite ice cream and it’s all yours...own it... make them hunger for you…"

The voice of Candice grew big inside my ears, a memory flashed in my head and I was gone. Sounds filled the room of my own moaning. I had mastered the thing long ago. I transformed my uncertainties into a fervor. Inside me birthed a new kind of a sensation I tried to hide even from myself. Weakness, my grandfather used to call it. But there in front of Venecia, I laid myself vulnerable.

My right hand motioned for the stray hairs blocking my face. Then it went down my chest, cupping my clothed breast. "Hmm." I moaned deeply as lust covered my entire being.

Gradually my eyes fluttered open. Two stormy gems greeted me with the intensity of an incoming typhoon. I had conjured his image after not seeing him for a week. He had left me without so much a single word after the first day of my arrival. And now, I was seeing him whole, the catalyst of this unfamiliar passion. But he was only a dream I created with my longing, there was nothing to be afraid of him. He was not real. He was just a figment.

I smiled sweetly. My head going up and down to the dildo in my left hand as my right hand continued palming my breasts. My eyes never leaving the gray ones of my phantom, Yulian. He was undressing me with his eyes that I felt naked under his piercing stares. The more he scrutinizes me the more that my body hunger for him. I wanted him. I craved for him. Those hands, those lips… ugh. I simply couldn’t resist the unknown desire my body just learned.

A tingling feeling started to build up inside my innards. I squeezed my legs shut and I knew I was nearing. His mere stares were able to send me into the deeps. But I stopped; my movement halted at once.

The ball in Yulian’s neck bobbed in an irregular motion. The grays wavered, "Send her to me after your lessons. Tell Maria to dress her for a night's event we're going somewhere." He then left; his footsteps echoed through the walls of the study.

He was real. He was real. He was real. He was fucking real! He was real and I was stupid!

I was panting really hard. There was a bullet raked in my heart and I suddenly had the urge to dig up a hole and bury myself for the entirety of my stay in Crestwood.

"Here, clean yourself." Venecia handed me a wad of tissue interrupting my paranoia.

I took it from her and wiped off the spit from my face and hands. "When did he came in?" I asked in a small voice. I hadn't heard him came into the room; I was too out of myself to have noticed Yulian.

"Just minutes ago. He came looking for you. Why?"

"Nothing. I'm just hungry, can I have my dinner now? before going to him?" I said checking my reflection through the windows. I looked like a mess, what I had done unnerved me; for him to see me like that. It was chaos but then I must be used to it.

A hand tapped my shoulder. "You did great," Venecia said with pride in her voice and a beaming smile.

I paid no attention to her remark. I never wanted to be good at it. I was always good at it. It wasn’t a blessing; it was a curse.

We walked in silence my mind kept traveling back to the study, back to the stormy gray eyes of my buyer and the stupidity I made him see.