When happiness begins by saying "goodbye"

We all wish we never had to reach the end, and definitely close a door behind us. The dissolution of a marriage, the loss of the life of a friend or loved one can be traumatic situations; but still, painful as they are, the endings are very important. Its importance lies in the fact that we cannot open a new door in front of us if we have not completely closed the one behind. We are not able to start new relationships until we have withdrawn our emotional energy from the previous relationship.

That feeling of reluctance, of disinterest with a new friendship or with a new love persists in us when we have not yet definitively closed that door, leaving behind all those memories that interfere in our new life. We may be having a conversation with a new friend and our mind only partly follow the conversation (the other part is far away, close to that other person who is no longer there).

How to avoid reaching the end? First there are great advantages to avoiding outcomes. One of the most effective ways to avoid the mental anguish of an end is to convince ourselves that it has not happened. Trying to win back the love that left us or pretending to maintain a close friendship with friends and neighbors once they have moved away is another way of "not saying goodbye". We can also convince ourselves that nothing has happened. and thus continue to fantasize. By refusing to feel sorry for the disappearance of an unconscious loved one, we are denying their death saying “goodbye” that is to say that we understand in a real way what we have lost and we accept everything: the positive and the negative of that person , love, pain, joy, pain or friendship.

Only when these feelings are recognized, "accepted by our mind" and expressed can one end a relationship and feel free to direct their energies in forming a new relationship. Saying goodbye, necessarily, does not mean forgetting ... On the contrary It can be to treasure with great affection the memories that one has of the person who is no longer there, accepting that reality.

As part of saying goodbye, we find the one we want and incorporate into our life some of the best qualities of that other person. If he was a particularly kind person, for example, we could try to be more kind. This is a way to perpetuate the memory of a loved one. Another very valuable way is to relive the lessons we learned during that relationship. Was there ever disappointment at having expected too much of her? Perhaps we can learn to be more realistic and not expect too much in the future. Although we may not realize it, we are surrounded by new experiences and potential teachers.

It also helps to say goodbye to prepare a goodbye ritual. We have rituals that are emotionally significant for all important aspects of life, but none to end an intimate relationship, such as marriage. Divorce is a legal formality that certainly doesn't take into account the emotional importance of saying goodbye. Funerals are not enough or up to the task of helping us end the period of grief. Most relationships that have great emotional significance cannot be completely ended unless time passes.

For a woman who loses her husband in a car accident at age thirty, it can take a whole year to fully reconcile with the penalty of his death, despite being a person who was willing to end this process in six months, attending group therapy sessions, where she could express her pain, grief, and feelings of frustration.

A forty-year-old divorced woman whose husband committed suicide some time after the divorce and of whom she did not find out until days after her ashes had spread across the ocean, was perplexed by the pain she felt, when she believed that everything feeling for him was over. What was not over for her was her participation in the ceremony and the opportunity to say goodbye to him in her own way. It would have been good to recommend that he find a suitable place in the desert, close to where she lived, to recreate the burial ceremony.

Nor do we have rituals to say goodbye to our homes when we have to leave the area we have lived in. For some people, moving to a new neighborhood is a desired and expected adventure, for others it is an unpleasant experience that evokes the desire to return to a well-known and beloved place.There is no reason why to end these ties of friendship permanently, because these can be maintained over the phone.

Saying goodbye in these cases does not mean forgetting or breaking the contact, rather it means that the end of a relationship has been reached to start a new one.

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Greetings, until a next post