I blinked and now I find myself outside the house looking in.

I spent all my time trying to slowly but surely becoming something I was never, but now that I have achieved this little change I had not realized you had gone out of your way to put yourself on the top with out the thought of keeping me there. I mean how am I not supposed to get angry?

Yes I know this is the random thought with no context for any one of you reading this but this is something that is nagging inside of me as I write it. Being lifted out of my chest and still not making it feel light. IN fact I feel constricted and just down right confused. I feel it is so out of touch for me to then be surprised at the surprise happening to me as time I had thought was not meant to change since after all I have asked to in the first place. Well I guess I should be selfish. No I am not a victim but now I am sounding like one... FML...

I blame myself for letter the ball go. I had trusted the process too much thinking I could control it. My ego blinded me from the knife being inserted and now it is being twisted to completion. Too late now to pull out with out cutting my artery. I say to myself be selfish. Don't let anyone ever get you in this situation again. Sometimes being rigid and inflexible has its uses. It should have been simple with just life passing by but now I am found on the outside looking in without realizing I was the one who put myself there in n the first place by allowing it to happen to me.

I am lost now and cannot for the life of me see light at the end of the tunnel and still I am left feeling guilty at where I need to go in order to keep myself afloat because after all we as in me are supposed to just wait patiently and get thrown a bone to grind on in the hopes there is some meat to eat. Again I am left ranting back and forth because off the self inflected hole I had dug myself in. There should not be complaints since it will mean I am a sore loser in the first place.

I feel this is the first time I have really realized how much this is going to weigh me down. It is always going to be hard on my head and should when I walk out the door. Not being able to look back and see where I have come from since I will just blind me with grief at the loss of something I had worked on diligently.

To think going round and round in circles was never going to happen but every time I look it is the same path I see before me like a shot in the dark with no way of getting things in order. I hate to be negative but sometimes when the light is turned off, no amount of opening your eyes will allow you to see in the dark. With no flashlight in the had to allow me to at least find the door with my hands fumbling like a child trudging through crocodile infested waters ready to snap and roll.

Oh well I guess this is a new roller coaster ride I have strapped myself on with no conductor to stop it in case there are people flying off the sides...

Inflexibility of the system is the cause of its downfall. There is no initiative from the lack of command structures that support its lower officers in adapting to situations.

Guess I should start packing and just breathe out the panic from my hands. Thanks for visiting my confused thoughts.