Dear Diary,
Today is August 20, 2021. Today is his birthday and as I greet him a happy birthday through messenger, I remembered our memories many years ago. It started when we were in grade 7, when he became my classmate. He was a happy-go-lucky kind of person. He's cool and good looking, too. We first met as classmates and then became friends after a month of being together in school. He was a very good friend but we're not really that close during that time because he also have his circle of friends and I also distant myself because I knew he has a girlfriend back then. So everytime he tries to get close to me, I always put a wall in between us because I don't want to have an issue with him.
A year after, we're already grade 8 and that time he wasn't my classmate anymore. The little friendship that we had slowly fades until we only became acquaintance. He broke up with his girlfriend that year and after several months he had a new girlfriend from the same school as ours. His girlfriend is just 1 year older than us. I always see them dating and I knew at that very moment that I have already developed something for him. But I never mind that feeling because I knew where I stand and I told myself to stop thinking of him because he's unreachable ( he's rich haha). I told myself to just focus on my studies and if I really want to experience that kind of stage, I should choose someone who's not high as him, I will choose someone who's on the same level as I am so that I wouldn't feel bad or insecure. So what I did was, I tried to move on and disregard my feelings for him. But the universe seems to play with my feelings. Haha Because...
After Another year, we're already grade 9. He became my classmate, again. I don't know what got into me that time because the moment he approached me, I responded so easily like I'm slowly letting him enter my life again. Like I'm slowly destroying the wall that I have built when we were in grade 7. I messed up with my decisions. Maybe because I knew to myself that I missed him a lot that I was really hoping that our path will cross again. So to make the long story short, we started our friendship from scratch again. But this time, it was different. Like it wasn't just friendship that we're building that time. We became closer and comfortable with each other. He shares his secrets with me, always makes me laugh, waits for me everytime we're heading to another class, he will message me everytime I'm absent and he will ask the reason why, he even tried to tech me how to play guitar (he loves music so much and he knows how to play some of the instruments), the reason why I started to love music. During that time, he also told me that he broke up with his girlfriend because the girl still loves his ex and they were back together. Haha I comforted him, together with our small circle of friends. They always tease us and then ask if what's the real thing between us-which I always answer, "nothing, we're just friends". I'm so afraid to ask him if what's really our relationship because I might mess up our relationship. "What if he treats his friends like that, what if that's his usual self. " I always convince myself with that kind of questions. So I just go with the flow.
2 months before the school year ended, we had our major project which is to make a short play about love. He was my group mate and our leader decided to make the two of us the leading role in the story. He will be my boyfriend and I will become his girlfriend. Haha That was very awkward because I have confirmed back then that what I feel for him is not just love for a friend it was something so foreign to me and I couldn't just fake it in front of him, though I tried. Everytime he teases me, I always feel awkward and it really shows on my face. I just wish that he will not notice any of it. After how many days, it was the time for actual presentation and our classmates were cheering like wild animals because they believe that we really had a thing. I wasn't feeling good that time because I had a fever and the fact that we're going to act in front of everyone makes me want to puke. Lol I'm so thankful that I didn't fainted in the middle of our play. Before we finish the play, there is a scene where we will act like we are going to kiss each other and I was so red that time. He hold my hand tightly and look straight into my eyes, saying that he loves me very much (part of the script lol), I managed to compose myself and told him I love him too (with quite shaky voice) and then he went closer (like about 3 inch close) and then the curtains closed and our friends started to scream so loud because they were so "kilig" that time haha. I was about to stand that time because I knew it was already done but I was surprised when he pulled me into tight hug. I was just shocked and didn't have time to react. I just thought during that moment that he was just thankful because the play was already done. Our group matesand the back of the curtain started to tease us but he didn't let go. We're just hugging each other for like a minute or two. He didn't say something within that minute and I didn't say something two. We stayed like that, never minding our classmates behind the curtains and our group mates. After like a long silence, he let go of me and telling me I was burning hot that time ("ang init mo") and I should already excuse myself so that I could take a rest. We didn't talk about what we did. After that scene, he became extra in everything he did. He became extra sweet, extra caring and also the late night talks about nonsense topics became our usual routine. But we never really talked about the thing between us.
Until we only have days before our closing, our section decided to have an outing. Some didn't came but half of the class were there. We went into a beach where we held our simple celebration. We swim and eat. We also watched some of our photographs and video clips for the whole school year. We're all laughing and our friend suggested something. "I think, we should have an open forum", she said. Everyone agreed to that and I started to feel nervous. The forum started and my heart beats really fast. When it was his turn, everyone cheered. Well, I kind of cheered with them to lessen the awkwardness lol. He looked at me and smiled. I wanted to leave that time but I didn't because I know I will just embarrass myself, I didn't even know what he's about to tell. What if he just smiled at me and nothing else? So to continue, he looked at me and smiled and then told me this, " I hope you'll not get mad at me after hearing this, I know you valued our friendship so much but I couldn't just help not to tell you this because I might regret it later on. What I feel for you is not just love for a friend, it was something that will put our friendship at risk. I know I shouldn't say or feel this, but what should I do? I didn't see this coming. I hope you're not mad at me." Booommm! And then our friends started to scream and tease us. They were so loud and not to mention that they were hitting me, and telling me I that my hair is very long. I was speechless for a long time that time. I just remained sitting, looking at him. After a while I noticed my self getting up from my sit, walk towards him and hugged him tightly. I was crying at that very moment. He hugged me back and told me that he's sorry for ruining our friendship. I didn't even say a lot, I was just nodding all the time and then finally, I told him that I love him, too. That I was also keeping it for a long time because I don't want to ruin our friendship.
Everything becomes surreal that time. Everyone is cheering and teasing us. Before we went home, the two of us decided to talk about our relationship. We were sitting in the seashore, our classmates were left in the cottage behind us. He asked me if we could try it. The boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I wanted to say yes immediately but it didn't came easily. I told him that I was scared because, what if something happens in the future and we'll be ruined? He then assured me that whatever happens, our friendship will remain strong and he will do his best to to take care of it.
So to make the long story short, I said yes and we are officially together, not as friends but as boyfriend and girlfriend. We're always happy with our relationship until the next school year came. We're still classmates during our last year in junior high and still happy with our relationship. Well, not until we talked about our plans for our next school. We are both planning to transfer into a university in the city for our senior high school. But the problem is we will still be apart from each other because he will enroll in the university where his mother enrolled during her college years. And I couldn't afford that kind of university. I'm just going to enroll into semi-private university far from his school. I was sad that time but I know that I should support him just like how he supported me with my choice. We promised to always communicate with each other and if we have time, we should go out sometimes or visit each other's school. And that made me happy again.
Fast forward...During our senior high, the fist semester was still good because we can still managed to go on a date or just meet at the plaza and have a walk while talking. But the second semester wasn't like that. I became busy with my studies and he was, too. We're still communicating but we barely see each other. Sometimes (like some weekends) we were out for a date but most of the time not, because I'm spending my weekends in our province while he's spending it in the city. Our small arguments started to piled up because we don't have time to talk about it in person. We're just fixing it through phone calls or texts. During our last year on SHS, it became worst. I have lots of workloads and I still have thesis to make just like him so we really didn't see each other for 2 months that time. I was very busy because I'm already preparing myself for college and I wanted to take up nursing. While he, on the other hand, will take Education. Everything seems to change and fall apart, until one day we talked. We decided to fix it before it permanently disappear. And then I came up with the decision, "what if we broke up for the mean time? I know you have priorities and I have mine, too. We're still young and we still have a lot of time in the world. If we're really meant for each other, then the universe will find a way to make us together again". We were both crying that time, he still wants to fight for it but I'm afraid that if we still push it, our friendship will be at risk, too. And I don't want that to happen.
So we both decided to end our relationship and focus first on our studies. We remain friends, it was a bit awkward at first but I know that the care for each other never changed. We sometimes talk over the phone, asking each other, "how are you" and after that it will take us months again to talk. It was very hard at first and we told each other abou it but our decision was final.
Until I enter college. It was hard to adjust first, but I still managed to get along with my teachers and classmates. I know that he's doing well in his course, too and I'm just so proud of him. We really remain as friends, though we barely talk but I still understand because I know that college life is even busier. We're still checking on each other sometimes but I know that something has changed already. He's now happy without me, and I'm also happy without him.
Right now, we're on our second (2nd) year in college and I still support him with everything even just through social media. He pursue his career in music together with his studies and I'm so proud of him right now. I have small regrets of breaking up with him, but if given a chance, I will still do it again.
I hope, someday, if the universe will decide to make our paths cross again, it will already be for a lifetime. And if not, I still wish him all the best in life.
ehem ehem ey sino na😁😁