Operating In Autopilot...
There are days when you suddenly notice that you are acting automatically, that is, you don't need to think much but follow the thread of activities that come one on top of the other because we do them habitually.
For me that feeling is horrible, because I feel that life is fading away. Thinking that today is Monday and in the blink of an eye it is Friday is overwhelming and I think it is just because I feel that I did not do anything that contributed something to my life, but work and work.
Although my growth in the professional area is important, I think that office work is really overwhelming because there are deadlines and structures that must be met to achieve a goal and that's fine but the pressure wreaks havoc. It happens to me when it's the end of the month or an important project ends and it's paperwork after paperwork.
In these last 2 weeks I have only done that, fulfilling activities and paperwork due to finish an important project. So I have been postponing meetings with my friends, postponing visiting my mom who I haven't seen for 3 weeks and I barely manage to answer some of her messages and try to make an effort to answer her calls.
Although it is not always that this happens, when it happens I feel on the edge I am usually more stressed and I really prefer not to talk because I feel that I would lack time to finish what is pending and although I had some lapses in which I tried to get out of that state of autopilot again entered into that state, at times I felt that I would not get out of there.
Those days feel like they are eternal in the real world and short at the same time because of the amount of things to do. A kind of joke I make to my husband is that I tell him I went into a vegetable state, and I laugh about the fact, but it is true in a way, it is as if I cease to exist around me and only a part of my brain works and is destined to finish what is pending. I am quite obsessive and perfectionist with my work and I like to do my best.
I think at some point it is harmful, because while in the real world I go in automatic mode doing to do the activities, my mind besides doing the work is in a self-sabotage and it seems as if everyone at the same time want me to pay attention to them for something and it is difficult. I have conversations that I told myself I will answer later and it just makes me a little annoyed to have to justify that I was not available.
I go into a kind of disconnect and a state of mind that all I want to do is get the work done. And that sometimes, just sometimes, having a clone doesn't seem like a bad idea so I can be everywhere, because it's impossible to be on top of everything and everyone. Being so controlling these days does more harm and it's just something I have to keep working on because even though I know it's okay to be busy and that I should always leave some space to breathe and be able to continue, it's hard for me to believe it.
Today is the day that I have to deactivate the autopilot and put things in order in the real world. I am already a little more relaxed and still trying to be at 100 to take the rhythm and work now on myself and my wellbeing.