What if it works?

For so long, I have trapped myself into thinking that I should always settle for the safer choice because taking risks might lead to losing everything. In every aspect of my life, I have settled for "pwede na yan". Even though deep onside I knew that I could aim for more, that I wanted more. I always tried to push down the feeling and told myself that it is enough. I have masked my fear by calling it contentment.

Yet it seems that there comes a time when the Universe would give you situations after situation until you learned your lesson. First, in relationships. I have not been lucky in love. Sure, I had a relationship wherein I can honestly say I was happy but during those times I knew I wanted more but I stayed lest I be seen as ungrateful and unappreciative. However, now I have realized that I am doing myself a disservice for settling for less than what I want. Not only that, I am also disrespecting and wasting the time of the romantic partners I had because I am not being honest with what I truly want. Even now that I am aware of this problem, I still find it hard to actually leave a comfortable situationship just because I know that it will not serve me in the long run. Well, I guess this is a lesson that can be learned another time.

Anyway, this article is not just about my lamentations about my love life. It is actually more of a self-reflection or a journal entry.

Years of telling myself to be content with what I have despite it not being what I truly want, has led to me being full of doubts about my future. My thoughts are always filled with worries about what will happen if things do not work out which usually end with me choosing the safer option and not pursuing what I actually wanted. However, I realized that because of my actions, I have been living a life that is not my own. I have been living a life led by my fears and doubts and not what my heart and soul truly wants.

Now, I want to change my mindset from "what if it doesn't to work?" to "what if it does work out?"

Fear has always been one of the reasons why I kept myself neatly trapped in my comfort zone but now I refuse to live my life lile that. I want to be able to look back into my life and think to myself that I have lived. To know that at the end of my journey that I had done what I wanted.

It will not be easy. There will be days when I would struggle and go back to my comfort zone. But I know that someday, my decision to truly live the life that I want will be worth it.