Unsent Letter

Sometimes, you have things that you wished you could have said to someone or at least wrote for them. For me, I have a lot of things I wish I could have uttered to one person. I wrote it all down on paper, burned the paper and let the wind take the ashes, hoping that the may whisper the words I never had the courage to tell you.

The following italicized letter is the one that I have already set aflame. I am putting it here in hopes that maybe on your journey, you might stumble upon them here and know that it was from me.

There are so many things I wish I could have said to you, or at least convey them to writing. I have always been a coward when it comes to things that may one day hurt me. However, this is a letter that will never reach you so I feel safe admitting these things here.

I remember the night I made the biggest mistake of my life. Agreeing with something I know I did not want just because I was afraid of being blamed for someone else's choice. I remember the moment when I was asked a question that would shape the rest of that last year, and all I could think about was you. I wish I had been strong enough to tell you how I feel in person. It wouldn't have mattered if you rejected me, because at least I will not have this lingering regret.

The night I said things I never meant was the day I knew that I have to pretend that my affection for you is gone, that the admiration I feel is temporary. I had to pretend the rest of the year that I am happy with the mistake I made because I fear what would happen if I don't (like a dead classmate, maybe? It was a possibility that I would rather not risk).

I want you to know that the memories of you were the only things that kept me going when I had to endure rough touches and forced intimacy. Enduring moments where silence is taken as a yes to a question I was never asked broke me. It made me lose sight of who I was, made me forget that there are things in this world that are still colorful. It was hard to look at the mirror and see something beautiful when I felt disgusted by the memories of hands I never wanted on me. The wounds I have forgotten, reopened and they cut me deeper than ever.

I wish I could have told you how thankful I am that I was able to catch a glimpse of your rainbow smiles. Even now, I treasure those memories fondly. I wish I could have asked you a lot of trivial things, I wanted to know everything about you. Seeing you always gave me hope, I wish I could have told you that. I wish you would have known that. Even now, I still wish I could write this down and give it to you. But I do not want to cause you trouble anymore. I take your silence as rejection and I still have enough sense to not beg you to see me.

The only hope I have is that you find someone in the future, who will see what I saw and be brave enough to tell you. I hope you will find someone who will give your life colors, the way you return the colors back into my life. I hope you never feel the same kind of regret I feel when I think of you.

I wish you only the good things in this Universe. Thank you for being my muse when I had forgotten how to create. Thank you for helping me rediscover myself. Thank you for bringing colors back into my life. And most of all, thank you for making me feel things I never thought I would feel.

Take care of yourself. I hope the next time I see you, I will not feel the overwhelming regret that I have.

Thank you for everything.

Despite everything, I am still happy now. Even if I never told you these words, even if you may never find them anyway. I am contented, and I am letting my what-ifs go too.