It was worth a piece of paper

Four years of friendship filled with laughters and fun was worth just a piece of paper to you.

I still hate what happened, no matter how I tell anyone that I am fine now. It still irritates me to think that all our promises led to nothing because of a piece of paper.

I imagine you reading this and just getting all indignant and dramatic about calling it a piece of paper.

But that it was.

That palanca you were so angry about, when it all comes down to it, is just a piece of paper. It only became so much more because you saw others receive more than yours and felt so jealous that we were not able to send one.

I remember when you asked for one, I alreqdy told you I will not give you one since I do not know how to write one. I was not from any fancy school you knew that. I never had that thing you were doing.

I never even knew what a palanca is until you asked for one. So I told you outright that I will not send one. You told me it was okay and that it was just a palanca. We talked about something else after that.

But it turns out that it will not be okay for you. It turns out that you will block me after not receiving a palanca I told you I will not write which you told me you were okay about.

Why was it that you can forget our birthdays with your excuse of being forgetful but we have to remember every little thing about you?

Did you know that the time you were asking us for a palanca is the time that all of our friends were going through a breakdown individually?

I was the one they ran into to cry. I had to listen to them break into hundred pieces with nothing but my presence to try and help them.

I had to hold them and comfort them, help them feel a little better and a little lighter. All the while we had to work through the mountain of stuff during the hell week.

I still do not understand it.

How it was so easy for you to invalidate our struggles because your ego could not take the fact that you saw others receive more letters than you did.

That you equated our love and care for you to that piece of paper.

Was it not enough that every birthdays and Christmas during the four years we have been friends we wrote you letters everytime? We never missed one event to give you letter.

And the first time that we did, you took it so personally, you blocked us all off before even letting us explain.

Why was it that for you it was okay to not remember to ask us how we were feeling but you had the audacity to ask us to always keep your feelings in our minds?

I loved you so much. I remember it clearly. The promises I uttered then were said with the hope of being fulfilled.

I was ready to follow you everywhere, to be your sidekick.

I was more at home at your place than at mine back in Grade 10. I was there for longer time than in my house.

You were my sister. The one who got separated from me at birth.

So why did a piece of paper ruin it all?

Oh, do not try to tell us that we could have just apologized to you. Because we did more than that.

For the next few months, we were like idiots lowering our pride just to fix an unfixable thing.

We even prepared a surprise for you on your birthday, which you did not witness. We were surprised you were out of town.

But still we left the gifts. We said sorry for our mistake.

But you did not own up to yours.

You received the gift, and told us thank you. That is it. A thank you for the effort we went through.

I remember you comparing us to someone you were just backstabbing a few weeks ago.

And it is so funny to me now that the very same person you were backstabbing is the only one on our group of friends on speaking terms with you.

But maybe I understand it too. Since the two of you always refuse to admit your mistakes. It was never your fault and always ours.

Both of your compliments are backhanded. Your criticisms are meant to discourage instead of help.

It took me a few years to realize that though. My love for my friends has blinded me.

I looked back now and instead of feeling the urge to fix our friendship, I am only left with a vague sense of regret.

No matter how toxic you were, I know I had my toxicity as well.

Painful as it is to admit it, maybe we are better off as strangers.

Maybe the one you were backstabbing is just there in your wavelength. Maybe we both outgrew each other and we were just trying to hold onto something that was never meant to last.

I think about what happened sometimes. But not as much as when it first happened.

I remember you getting me a gift on our Christmas party. There was a note there not to open it until New year's day.

And when I did, I saw what you said. You were asking for a New year to start over again.

I told you I would like that. I tried to bring back the closeness I felt. But it felt like I was begging to be your friend instead of the 2 of us mending our friendship.

Does this still matter? No, it was years ago and I was past caring at this point.

Or maybe I am not since I am still writing this.

That January made me realize that I deserve better. I deserve to be friends with someone who wants to be friends with me too. Someone who made me feel like I am worth spending time with. Someone who I can count on to forgive me, and I can forgive.

Not someone who will say they want a new chapter but not put in any effort of writing it. Not someone who will always put the blame on me but never on their actions.

And I realized that, I had those friends all along. To this day, we are still friends. Losing someone in our orbit, made us closer.

As for our lost soul, I hope that you are happy now. I hope that you are achieving things that you want to reach. I hope you learned how to ask your friends how they are doing instead of always thinking about yourself.