Back to the Beginning

As a child, I have consumed many media telling me that a prince charming will come to my life. His presence will solve all of my problems and we will live happily ever after.

It sounds so amazing to the younger version of me. The promise of being with someone who will see me and love me wholly and truthfully made me happy. Moreover, this same person will also give me everything I could ever want.

What kind of child would be able to resist falling into a fairytale like that?

Childhood memories

My childhood is not full of bad memories. I actually made a lot of happy memories with my family and I have felt loved and cared for.

I am not sure when it all started to feel different for me. When did the compliments start to become pressures that keep pushing down on me?

I do not know. But I know that the thing that keot me moving forward was the same fairytale life I once consumed back when I was younger.

Life laughs at me

The more I try to persevere, and wait for the erfect love to save me, the more life continued to throw multiple challenges in my face.

Every time I try to rise above the challenges I would wake up and find myself in a deeper hole than before. I never knew how that happened. All I knew is that whenever I thought life is going to get brighter, it begins to turn for the worse.

This happens far too often that I am starting to resign myself into this kind of life. However, a tiny part of me still hopes.

Bright hope

This tiny part refuse to disappear despite the darkness that eats me inside, the hope just burn bright. Sometimes, I can ignore the light when I focus too much on the darkness but there are times when I have to admit that it is there.

Despite the hopelessness I feel, hope stays in my life. Even when I think I had enough of life, a part of me still clings and says "not yet".

So I get up each day even when it is the last thing I want to do. I go through the motions of life even when my mind is telling me to just disappear.

I would be lying if I said that my determination suddenly changed me and my situation. In truth is that my determination to live is usually eclipsed my by deep longing to die. Yet I am still here, so maybe my determination is more sly than I thought.

I am at my lowest point during the best part of my life. It is funny how my life is so much better than it was before yet my mental health is down the gutter. I try to stop from blaming myself but I acknowledge that my actions did cause this decline in my mental health.

My plan

I do not have a solid plan because a depressive episode is a hard thing to deal with. My body literally feel as if I am underwater and I constantly ask myself if I am drowning.

But I do not want to wait for something that will never happen. I can not keep waiting for help when I am not even loving myself enough.

So my plan is to learn how to love myself. And isn't that the funniest thing?

I made this account when I was in a manic induced self-love journey and here I am in a depressive episode still trying to love myself.

I knew that recovery will not be easy but I admit that it is harder than I thought.

Still, I want to keep trying. I do not want to grow old bitter about life, angry about everything, and sad about missed opportunities. I remember my high school self telling others that all she wanted was to be happy. The kind of happy that is not fragile nor a ticking time bomb like manic episodes. No, I want the happy where I feel calm and peace in my bones.

I want that kind of happiness, and I will get there someday.

The first step in finding myself again is getting back here. Not for any reason but to write. No longer will I be anxious about interactions or other things. My focus for now is to let myself write again because writing is a safe place for me.

I will not make any promises any more. But if you are reading this, just know that I am trying my best- to stay alive, to be here, to write.

I hope that soon, I could make another article sharing about how happy I am with my life.