I am writing this article at 5:00 am. I fell asleep at around 2:00 am. So I will put this here in the introduction so you can forgive any mistake I commit while writing this. I might publish another article with a better topic if I fall asleep again this day and wake up feeling rested.

A secret shared is no secret at all, right? This is why there is a phrase "take it to the grave" and this gave me an idea. Do I have a secret that I want to be buried with me?

Of course, the answer does not come as a surprise to me. I am after all the secret keeper of our circle of friends and I also do not part with my secrets easily as well.

Why bury something like that?

There are just some things that are better left unknown. Some words better left unheard and unseen. I guess the main reason why is that I do not really have anyone to tell these kinds of secrets with.

It is not something that anyone might guess when they get to know me. I think I have been so used to being backstabbed that I no longer fully trust anyone I meet, not even my bestfriends.

I feel sad when I think about it. The weight of the secret I carry might be lighter if shared. But will I ever have enough courage to come out and say it?

Taking off the weight

Just as buried feelings grow more, buried secrets pile and get bigger as well.

What can you do if the secrets become too much? Will you allow them to take you to an early grave? Will you let them go just as how the curses inside Pandora's box came pouring out in an instant?

Well for me, what I do is slip up a few times. By slip up I mean sharing the secret but not directly.

I would share nonsense words as this article and slip the secret in between them. You will never know what it is unless you also know the secret. But it makes me feel lighter when some of the load slid off my shoulder.

A secret keeper

Being your friends' go-to when they are feeling overwhelmed means carrying a badge that says "they trust me". It means they know whatever it is that they tell me will never find its way to others.

Seeing them at their most vulnerable always make my heart aches for them. I wish I could so more for them but sometimes listening and being there for them is more than enough. I cannot live their lives for them.

If you are the secret keeper, then who gets to keep yours?

I have always wondered about that when I was an introverted child with only a few friends but never that close enough for them.

Now I have the answer, since I became a secret keeper of the group.

No one.

If you are the secret keeper, your secrets are also yours to keep. You are so used in hiding others' secrets that you also cannot part easily with yours.

No matter how much suffering it causes you. Your secrets stay as you wait for yoyr time to come. Only then, you think, will you finally be allowed to rest.

Am I bitter for being a secret keeper?

I do not regret that I have been trusted by my friends that much. Although, I have almost completely stopped communicating with them, it still feels touching I was one of their most trusted.

I believe that fading friendships are normal. We are growing out on different circles now. I think that is okay.

We have learned from each other and experienced amazing things together. We have laughed and cried at the same time. We have seen each other with barely any sleep trying to finish all our requirements. We have been happy at one point in our lives that our lack of communication now does not affect me negatively.

I cheer on them as I watch them fulfill their dreams from afar. I still consider them friends, of course. But it is more of a distant friendship now that we are going into the first phase of adulthood.

Does seeing them living their lives freely makes me bitter about having to carry their secrets with me?

No. Not at all. I am glad that they are able to live their lives to the fullest. Also, every secret they shared with me are also their secrets to carry individually. So we all carry secrets, even if mine seems more than what they carry.

And even if there were times that carrying their secrets and mine becomes difficult. I know that I can always step back and tell all those secrets to a blank piece of paper, let the water run through them and watch the ink goes out to a different place.

This is something that I discovered which helps me a lot. The flowing water erasing all traces of untold secrets makes me think that those secrets are being heard even if it is conveyed through other means.

I would have liked it better if I can bury a seed paper with the secrets written on it, and nourish it till it grows. The cycle will signal that the secrets I carry are still well and alive. However, I live in the city and there is no good space for planting since the cats and dogs around the area keep biting the plants.

So, if you are a secret keeper like me, make sure that you have enough anchor to make sure that the tides do not carry you all over the place with no destination. Mske sure that you still have enough solid ground to stand on when it feels like the secrets you hold are trying to crush you. Most importantly, do not be afraid to tell someone that you could not keep more secrets because you already carry too much. Your emotional and mental capacity to hear secrets are important too. Not listening to their secrets does not make you an unworthy friend. A true friend would understand why you have to think of yourself too.

There is no need to rush to your grave by biting more than what you can chew. Just take care of yourself, okay?

If you are interested in more articles of mine, check out my latest article: https://read.cash/@ZehraSky/how-to-stay-consistent-aa7f7a94

Thank you for reading!