There are days where you just feel down and feels like your on your own. The feeling of feeling nothing that affect your whole mood the whole day. It's not easy to feel down and just feeling numb because you always think where did you go wrong?-- It feels like the world has turn around you and just abandoned you.
You're left behind and no one stayed to guide you and be with you until you will be found. You're just lost and don't know how to find the way to go back to where you are still okay. It's not easy to go through phases like that. Every second you'll question your self, every minute you are just surrounded with negative energy, every hours pass by you'll just feel you're just wasting your time and it's better to just end everything. We sometimes don't know why we felt things like that but every pain made us stronger.
There are days where you'll look at yourself in the mirror and spot those flaws you have that will make you think, maybe they're the things I shouldn't have because of them I can't make myself happy and contended. The picture that was seen in the mirror was the mistakes you've made and flaws your eyes saw in you. Those mistakes cannot be undone no matter how we tried to go back in time but we can't. So, we'll end up mourning for it in the present, as well as in the future.
The days where you'll just spaced out the whole day seems like our rest day from the commotion of our outside world. We spaced out and just think about life and reminisce those things we have done and evaluate ourselves and think of a way to better in the future. In those days, we can't feel anything just numbness and emptiness, we sometimes become lonely without any reason. The feeling that you're just existing.
Someone said to just think positive so that we can be happy. We really can't do that because no matter how hard we try to ignore the negative thoughts it will always take over you, no matter how much you love to think positively, you really can't. If you say we can then put yourself on our shoes and see how chaotic our mind is. That is the reason of our emotions to also feel tired and just made us feel nothing but emptiness.
As a teenager, I've been through a lot. Pain from experiences, heartaches from friends, love life, etc. Challenges that made me feel I'm alone and I got to the point where I would wish to end the suffering, but I'm still here fighting. It never got into my mind that I would be able to get to the point where I'll suffer a lot because back in my childhood days, I was extremely happy that I couldn't think of any negative things in my life. But at this point I can say we will expect the unexpected to happen because no matter how impossible that is, we will get to experience it if it is our fate to be in that situation. No matter how much we try to deny everything, we can't win over our destiny.
In any case, that is very common, a lot of people who are experiencing different things, who are also trying to win over our destiny, who tries to change our fate but ended up crying in agony. They ended up giving up and the worst thing is loosing their hopes in life that makes them feel like lifeless and just wanted to close their eyes and sleep without waking up. Those are just things people feel.
I can somehow relate to others if they are also feeling the same thing. I have this moment where I just ask my self why does my heart longing for something I can't explain, It feels like there's something lacking and I can't determine what it is. The space within my heart cannot be filled with what I'm receiving and it's scary. It scared me how my heart is finding something, I myself don't even know what to ask. All I know is that it is craving for something beyond whatever people are thinking. But until now, there's still void inside my heart. I don't put too much attention to it but I can feel that it's still there.
As I was exploring my mind, I've read a book where it says "Your sufferings are to fulfill a promise. It is to deliver a blessing." And I feel like if I would approach the things I'm suffering maybe I would be able to look what's behind it and maybe I'd be able to see the blessing God has given me. Because sometimes we people are too focused on the pain and we sometimes forgot that there's beauty in it, that was meant for you only. God work on different way and we will never know unless we get to experience it and believe in it.
-Z
