THE PERSON I USED TO BE
I was broken. Broken inside but not totally wreck on the outside. I know how to smile even though I’m not happy. I was cheerful whenever I have people around but silent when I’m all by myself. I get scared of failing, sacred of making mistakes because of the judgements that haunted me for years. I’m rushing everything because I’m too eager to see what happens, because I don’t like the situation I was in and so tired of being there. I have a lot of attitudes that never was right. I used to hate people for not being with me not knowing I’m better off without them. I used to feel low whenever my friends don’t choose me without knowing they’re not for me. I used to complain every night and whisper to the stars to make miracles because I pity myself. People don’t usually like me for I was very different from them. In terms of my beliefs, perspective in life and everything I’m doing they never liked either one of them. I always ask myself where did I go wrong, why does they won’t like me, why does I’m not a priority. Questions were always in my mind and no one was there to listen all of it but- I was informed that I’m not born to please them, I’m not here to get all of their attention but to live and appreciate life. I’m born to be my own, to shine like diamond and scream some elegance with kindness I shall manifest. I’m not their priority because I was bound to lose them for me to welcome those who are meant to be in my life.
The person who always watch herself in a mirror and cry for every flaw she saw in her eyes, cries whenever she can point out her mistakes and badly want to make it right. The person who always feel like the world always turn her down. The person who keeps on wishing for the nightmare to stop and just wake up from the situation she was in. The person that has always been fighting for her own happiness but ended up receiving another bunch of pain which always remind her to give up. The person who keeps on finding the home and comfort she wanted to feel because she’s exhausted from everything, that every time she stands up from her fall- her knees get so weak and choose to stay low on the ground and wait for her time to end. The person with so much in her mind and has a weak heart. She’s pitiful. She always let her mind control over her that she ends up losing the battle she started. The battle wherein she’s the only one who fight with herself. The person who never knew her worth and continued to be blind by what lies her mind says and what her eyes want to see. That person was me, the person I used to be.
The things that happened will surely shape the person, it will give you lessons and pain. The pain will never be forgotten no matter what happiness you have right now. Everything that happened never left you without any realizations that can be used to be able to faced and overcome another challenge tomorrow gives. Those struggles left you with not only just realization but also scars that you’ll surely not forget. The scars that were left will forever be with you that’s the sign of how brave you are and persistence on not giving up because you are still here, alive and still striving. No matter how long has it been, whenever you remember everything, you’ll surely look into the pain that you felt and reminisce those things with nothing but relief you have in your heart. Those painful scars can be your forever because they will heal but will never fade.
The past will always remind you how you are before and how many things you’ve experienced. How much you’ve suffered and how much you’ve grown up. It was never easy to faced battles alone, wherein no one will cheer you up but yourself. Moments where no one will hug you and remind you that everything will be okay. The feeling of lonely where every time you look around, you’ll see a lot of people but no ones there for you. The emptiness you’ll feel after an exhausting fight and sometimes smile sadly because you’re still alone in your journey. The feeling of tiredness when you’ll get to the point where you realize that you’ve prayed many times to have happiness but still nothing happens. Nothing seems right every time you fight that sometimes you just choose to not move and stay still until the day is over. But as time goes by, your life still goes on and that you yourself deserve the love you’ve been wanting to give other people, this love was not for them but meant for you, that as much as everyone in this world deserve your love and affection you’re better with yourself.
