Travel by air Nazi style

Disclaimer for the readers who don’t recognize themselves here

If you don’t recognize yourself in at least 50% of experiences listed here you may be first class only traveler, or better, a private jet owner. No need to read further. It may make you buy a second or a bigger jet. This is for the common smallfolks filling up economy seating to capacity.

Why airplane in the first place?

Right of the bat, air travel has only speed on their side. Everything else about airplane traveling sucks big time. That is what we know.

Ever since I was a small boy i was looking forward to fly somewhere by airplane. It was a positive excitement. Couldn’t wait for the trip. As every other kid I wanted to be a pilot. Girls wanted to be a stewardesses. By the way, they hate that name. Now it is a flight attendant. If you ask me it’s same thing.

These days I am a passenger and I just want to use damn thing to get where I am going. I hate air travel. It subjects me to the physical and psychological stress so I use airplane only when forced to.

Pain starts in the pocket

When I need to buy airfare tickets I go on-line as everybody else does. I use various sites to see what is a best and most economical way to go from place A to place B. I guess going to travel agent is thing of past. At the end I always end up on BMO (my credit card) travel site.

Buying tickets is pain in the ass and hurts the wallet. Did you ever experience finding a suitable flight on Kayak or Expedia or wherever and when you actually want to buy ticket that flight or price is not there any more?!

Or you want to fly on Wednesday, flight is $570.00 and it’s kind of OK with you. Then you want to check same flight on Thursday and Friday. Naaah, no good. You go back to Wednesday and suddenly ticket costs $750.00? WTF?! Yes, I know the feeling. By some black magic it’s freaking new price there. It took only 3 minutes of undecidedness and now as a true sucker you have to pay more.

Airline computers are rigged that way. I think nobody, even airlines themselves, don’t exactly know how damn thing works. But that may be another article.

I thought I caught up on that dirty airline trick so now when I see price and flight it’s now or never situation. I just go for it. How hard it could be, just fill up goddamn screen form and pay. Yeah, right.

Last screen is sometimes screen of death. I fill up credit card info and click BUY or PAY NOW. Then there is a spinning ball, or spinning hourglass or airplane flying across the screen. And then comes announcement: “Flight you wanted to reserve is not available any more, please make your search again!”

Damn! How is that even possible? In few minutes while filling up endless forms flight is all gone. That always means the higher price. A few times I called BMO travel customer service to complaint but not any more. Standard answer is that it may be sold out or try later. I simply don’t buy that explanation. I even selected seats and there were few left a minute ago.

Talking about the price

Prices people pay for air travels is one of the biggest mysteries in the world. How in the world they come up with it? Every other means of travel has fixed pricing even for year in advance but airfare may change every minute. It is so complicated and frustrating. Again I may write another article about that issue alone. So we’ll leave that can of worms for now.

Frankfurt, Germany

Names of the passengers are set in the stone

When I successfully buy a ticket e-mail comes with details. That is a relief. So I got it. It is point of no return. Literally. Now you go or ticket is wasted. No refunds allowed. You can buy 50000 dollar car, change your mind within 24 hours and get all money back. It happens. Not with airlines.

I envision ticketing guy spinning on his rotating chair backwards and screaming: ”Got another one, Joe Schmuck, flight AC772”. In the back there is a hall filled with rows of granite slates. Like on HGTV when they want granite for new kitchen. There is a granite slate with large AC772 flight in-scripted on the top. Rough looking guy in overalls takes chisel and hammer and hammers traveler’s name on the passenger list. From now on until end of the world your name is on that flight. It cannot be changed under any circumstances.

Yes, you paid for one adult airfare from Toronto to Atlanta but it must be you and only you taking the flight. Even if it is in 3 months and you need to change a person traveling. No matter. It probably takes 0.00001 seconds of the microprocessor time to change the name they won’t do it. It doesn’t really matter who is traveling. Buy another ticket. Another score for the airline.

No return flight allowed even that you paid for it

Once I got my tickets to travel to Florida and back home. It happened that my friends were going by car and asked me if I would join them for trip down. You know, I could pitch in for driving. It is 24 hour long ride so extra driver is welcomed addition to the team.

I thought it was a great idea. Have a fun driving there and go back by plane. So I told them so. Good that I have friends who are smarter than I am. She said: “You can’t do that! You must go and come back to use the ticket. If you don’t go there return ticket will be cancelled”. “That is absurd”, I said, “Flight down is one thing and 10 days later flight back is another thing!”. Impossible. And Darija says: “It sure is but this is what airlines do”. That is: a pretty much whatever they want.

It’s time to go

Pack up your bags. No liquid with more than 100 ml is allowed in the hand bags. If you travel lightweight like me hand luggage is only thing I take. So no mouth wash, no favourite after shave, no anti cough syrup. Won’t make it through security. So keep that in mind or item will end up in the garbage. That is how I lost present of Canadian Maple Syrup going to Europe. Garbage can.

I saw the same syrup in duty free shop right at the gate for twice as much as in my local supermarket. I could take as many as I wanted. Whiskey liter bottles as well. So much for the 0.1 liter rule. It didn’t matter any more.

Airports are usually far from town. Toronto Pearson is 45 minutes drive away from my house. So I leave house at least 3 hours earlier than flight is for North American flights and almost 4 hours earlier for across the pond flights. In my mind that is already ridiculous. It is like travel on top of the actual travel.

Wait for check -in

Be ready to spend 30–60 minutes, moving bit by bit to the counter. Kicking or dragging bags you have to make it to the check-in counter. No, it is not pleasant experience by any stretch of imagination. While standing in line you see people with carts and mountains of bags. You ask yourself how that works but goal is just to get rid of your own bag and rush to the security.

Security Nazi style

After first line up this one is always much worse. Doesn’t matter how many lanes are open it’s never quick. When you finally get in front of the X Ray machine it’s time to strip body of anything metal, watch, jewelry, mobile phone, belt, coins, badges, remove shoes and barefoot step through metal detector gate. Now TSA will pat you down, X Ray your luggage, metal detector swipe you and burn your balls or ovaries. All under pretence that they are protecting you and worst part is you are actually paying for it. How much? On Toronto airport they charge between $7.50 for local and up to $25 for international flights.

I saw video on YouTube and many other videos on YouTube of a little girl, maybe 4 years old standing still with arms outstretched and big TSA lady touching her everywhere to find bombs and other weapons. It went on for several minutes and little one started to cry. Finally father stepped in and said that it is enough of that. Mom filmed whole thing. I guess they will be taking bus next time.

In USA and many other airports in the world they want you to take full body scan so they can see what you have in your guts. I never take that neither my family members as well. Other choice is that they will male or female officer will pat you down touching almost all body this way or another. So damned if you take body scanner and damned if you don’t. Clearly, TSA prefers body scanner machine.

Last time when I was leaving Sarasota, Florida (SRQ) a “friendly” TSA officer advised me to take body scanner. “It’s nothing, not dangerous at all”. “Says who?” thinks I, “The same guy who said that tasers are not dangerous?”. Ask 1000+ people who are in the graveyard killed by tasers how that worked out for them.

I told him: “My man, I’ll rather take strip search. And you should not hang around damn thing whole day long”. He just smiled and called another guy to pat me down.

If you know anything about radio waves you will know that shorter wave is, higher frequency is and it becomes more penetrating into human flesh. In it’s extreme it’s called X Ray. Everybody and his dog knows that X Ray is extremely dangerous. Person should not take even medical X Ray more than maybe twice a year.

Using that body scanner a millimeter length radio waves are penetrating your body to the level where TSA guy looking at the screen can see your last beer still sloshing inside your guts. He can count every screw in your leg courtesy of ski accident in Colorado or toy your kid swallowed before trip. Must be great for your balls or female ovaries like usual wear and tear is not enough.

Not dangerous my ass! I ain’t taking that shit, ever.

Busy airport in Frankfurt, Germany

At the gate

So you finally were let go by TSA Nazi and rush to the gate. Most likely than not it is early. Flight is late, no boarding yet. Hurry up and wait is theme of the day.

Finally in the airplane

Some people take their sweet time to get seated. They are kind of people not in rush for anything. They have all time in the world. No respect for other people’s time whatsoever. They are even worse when airplane arrives to destination. But you must go first.

Let me throw in the biggest wisdom I ever learned:

Time is the most precious commodity anybody ever has!

Think about that.

Most often than not people will come in with several bags and fill up overhead bins. Late comers have no space for their hand bags.

So you are finally seated and everybody else was as well. Seats deserve post by itself. They are razor thin. Seating cushion is properly sized — for a child. Not for average adult. I am average male. At 180 cm tall (6 feet), 87 kg I could be a model traveler from airplane point of view. But I am not. Person next to me is REALLY close next to me, we are almost touching shoulders. Hand rests are very narrow. It’s either me or other person can rest elbow on it. I guess who comes in first claims that precious few square centimeters of space.

I raised armrest for my wife only. She could touch me or lean on me all she wanted. I like that. Otherwise armrest is down. I don’t want other people to invade my personal space. I believe that is a mutual idea.

Did you notice that there are rails going along the whole airplane cabin. They hold rows of seats. Those rails are perforated all the way enabling airline to move seats closer together by sliding whole rows along the rails. Then they lock seats in place.

Do they pack them up or what!? Distance between two seats is called pitch. There is a standard that says it should be 29” to 32” (74 cm to 81 cm). In reality you can expect normal leg room in business or first class only. Kettle class is packed like sardines and often my knees touch seat in front. That is a bitch way to travel.

I clearly see airlines point of view. One more row of seats means another 4 or even 11 passengers more. More money for them. But I am here to demand reasonable comfort. I don’t care about airline shareholders. Give me my legroom. You have to endure wait before takeoff + flight time in discomfort.

Typical flight times are: Toronto — New York = 1:15, to Florida = 3:20, to Caribbean = 3:45, to Europe = 7:30–8:00 hours.

For me everything above 2 hours becomes pain in the ass. Literally. Back stiff, ass hurts, neck. When given chance I watch movies all the way, one after another to get distracted from uncomfortable position I am at. That works for flights to Europe. I never traveled to Asia and Australia which is like 15–20 hours. That is a really scary thought.

To travel across North America bring your own entertainment. I take Kindle and read all the way. A small win for passengers is that one is allowed to use electronic devices all the time. Before cabin Nazis were screaming at me to put Kindle away.

I don’t know how is with other people but after hour or two I get cramped in seat. Get legs restless. Reading and watching movies works only so much. I need to stand up, go to the back or to door isle and stand for a bit. For that reason I always want to be in isle seat. I can stretch at least one leg a bit and get up when I want to. I never take window seat. There you can see something like this at best:

Somewhere above Denmark

In flight service

In short haul flights more likely than not you get nothing. No soft drink or juice. No pretzels or peanuts. Air Canada is like that. Bring your own stuff.

Peanuts are another paradoxical situation as far as I am concerned. Sometimes in flight stewardess comes on speakers and says something like: ”Today we will not serve peanuts since one person reported allergy. Sorry about that”.

Call me un-compassionate pig but I don’t get that one? I don’t care much about peanuts. I usually don’t take them anyway, but I can’t comprehend that somebody could die if I just open small bag of peanuts 10 rows behind or in front of that person. Is that even possible? Is that allergy that deadly? I may be ignorant about poisons but are peanuts really worse than cyanid?

If it is, that person should be in self imposed confinement at home. It seems to me impossible to avoid being in vicinity of nuts whole life in every situation. Restaurant, travel, bus, dinners, celebrations … whatever. I feel sorry for those people but isn’t this a bit over the board? Nobody in restaurant can’t order anything with nuts. For example Asian cousin is all based nuts. I understand that person like that has to protect himself but does it have to be at expense and inconvenience of other 200–300 people? Anyway, this is taking us away from the airplane.

I never complaint about dinners on long flights. It is what it is, given the situation that food is brought in from ground and served on 11km (33000 ft) of height. You can’t expect gourmet meal and space to eat it comfortably. You will eat with elbows glued to the ribcage and manage precious tray space best you can. There will be dropped food and spilled drinks. Can’t wait for stewardess to take away garbage to reclaim back that little space.

Also while in flight

You can stand up and go to pee or go to the back and ask for drink of water. That is about it. Airlines clearly prefer passengers strapped in their seats and do not encourage standing or walking ones. They’ll flash “Seat Belts” sign into your face quite liberally.

Airplanes are built like cages with narrow isles, children sized washrooms, no places really to stand or hang around.

No complains allowed or Nazi hammer will squish you like a bug!

As soon as traveler entered an airport he is on “their” turf. New rules apply, old ones are thrown out of the window.

Airport Nazi will get you if you went wrong way, said wrong thing, carry wrong t-shirt. Liberties severely limited. That is on the ground.

It is worse in the air. Passing through the cabin door you get under jurisdiction of cabin crew and they may turn Nazi on you in a heartbeat. No wrong moves or even words allowed here. No raising voice. No complaints allowed. You can ask for salt or ice. That is about limit of complains. Otherwise you will be labeled as a “threat for security” and dealt with swiftly. If there is a flight marshal on board you are instantly screwed.

Under no circumstances you ever say word “terrorism” or “bomb” or “gun” or whatever, even in casual conversation with person seating next to you.

I guess everyone saw movie “Anger management” with Adam Sandler. That is what we are talking about. In the air everything is emphasized, wrong way.

Finally arrived

Finally arrival!

Trip is over, airplane is at the gate. I stand up and have very primal wish; I just want to get out. You would think it’s over. Not so fast buster! Two things happen:

Often it takes a long time until they open cabin door. Even that jetway is already in place. Like they are looking to roll out red carpet or something. They like you sweating.

When they finally open door people start moving out. Some of them not so fast. They stand up, look for jacket, talk to other people, then they search for baggage in overhead bin. Why rush, there are only 100–200 people behind wanting to get out. It takes frustratingly loooong time to deplane.

At the belt

If you were lucky to have hand luggage only you can skip this part. Otherwise it is another 25–35 minutes wait to get your bags to magically appear on the belt. Overseas flight warrants about 50–60 minutes. There are hundreds of bags to handle.

So how long it takes?

Let’s say trip from Toronto to New York. 45 minutes drive to airport + 2 hours at the airport + 1:30 flight time + 20 minutes to get out of the airplane + 25 minutes to get to the belt and get baggage + 40 minutes drive to downtown. There is also border part either done in Toronto or in USA. We will not count it into the overall time.

That’s it! 500 dollars and 6 hours later you are there! Let me just throw in one option. Ride Greyhound bus from Toronto to NYC. It takes 12 hours and 40 minutes. That is at cost of $46.00 only.

Soon you will see people you want to see and forget about trip experience.

Still there must be a better way. We’ll leave that for part 2.