Language of Death

Back then, I wasn't afraid to die. Even if I die, what I fear is the taste of death arriving. As I've heard stories from people who are far old, about how painful death is. Worth the slash of a thousand swords. Painless. Very much. Very.

What I was afraid of before was the processes of my death arriving. I'm afraid of blood. I was afraid to see blood or blood flowing out of my body that was either torn or torn apart. I'm scared.

In fact, even seeing the sacrificial goats groaning in pain met death, I was afraid. I wasn't like this before, I, as a child, really liked to see the goats being led to slaughter.

However, not anymore. The pain that drives them is as if I also feel it. Sometimes I imagine. How do I go about dying. Is sinking. Does it fly and then roll over after being hit. Burnt. Crushed after being crushed by something. Or I will fall from a height, or die under the rubble. Everything I imagined ended up in extreme pain. The quickest and painless death is possible only if my head is separated from the body. When I'm beheaded like Djenar or Hallaj.

Now, I am very afraid of death. My sin is so black, it entangles my neck to the depths of the earth. Bind me and refused to want me to go to the sky there. I'm too scared man, afraid of death.

I'm not calm anymore if I die now. I'm afraid, how much I leave bad deeds. My sins are piled up, nor have I ever cleansed. Look comrade, my storehouse of charity. Full of dust and a million filth. I dare not face God at this rate. Really, I dare not.

I believe God is the Most Forgiving Essence. I believe, He is Most Merciful. He who will not punish me is not with my sin.

Whenever I know I'm wrong, I don't stop not doing it. I enjoy the taste of my sin. God created a sense of sin that is desires to soothe me and continue to be done for me. God created the devils to tempt me so that I remain in disobedience. He made my heart clean with everlasting dust.

The question is why?

For what purpose did God create all the despicable episodes in my book of destiny? Is it with a purpose, one day, with a sense of emotion I will submit to Him with tears in my eyes and then I will regret all my sins. At that moment, my body trembled. I bow down to Him.

Then, foaming my mouth say a very sorry. The heart trembled, then the whole earth trembled with it. That moment, is when the doors of heaven open. And I went in there with a full sense of emotion and sugar.

I'm scared. Later, when I died. There are many sins that I back. And when I meet my Lord later, He will turn away.