Thoughts on my head that I really don't know where it came from.

I was born on a place where people used to live on the rules that they want. I grew up being exposed on the thing that I thought it was normal but as I started to explore and learned about life , I am being enlightened and choose to be on a different path.

I grew up in Tondo. I will not mentioned the exact place but I am living there. I belong to a kind of family that physically complete but not emotionally. We are completely living in the house but we don't have any deep connection to each other. My mother is a famous gossiper in our place. She was known as a person who like meddling on other people's life. She always involved in fight because of fake news that she always spreading. I thought it was normal so I became like her , I am so happy when I have something to tell with my friends because my feeling that time was I am the " bida ".

My father has no regular job. He always do extra jobs and too lazy to find a regular one. We are a family that they called " isang kahig , isang tuka " . And as I child grew up in a toxic environment, I became like them also.

In a very young age , I am exposed hearing bad words and expressions and I grew up learning trash talks. On my elementary days , we already knew pornography and even did a role play and follow what we saw on television. I am not the one who did it but I am one of the audience as they performed it.

On my High School days , I learned how to drink alcohol and it became part of my daily life. I am in the middle of being a good person and a bad ones. I belong to a bad influenced friends and I also belong to good ones who I met in school. Yes , I am part of the higher section and even if I am exposed on different bad activities I still have a dream. I am in the middle of changing my life because I am so used to it but I also don't want to forget those people who became my friends that treats me more than my family.

College days came and my parents told me to stopped dreaming and just start working but I refused. I find ways to be able to go to school and I thought giving my body to anyone who wants it and in return they will pay me because why not? I already lose my virginity and this is an easy job to make my dreams came true. I got used to this kind of job and lost my respect to myself just for the sake of having a degree. I graduated college being a Cumlaude. Yes , I study well and hard and promise to myself that once I found a decent job I will start a new life and forget all the bad memories on the past.

I found a decent job and started a new life. In a short period of time I achieved what I want , buy the luxurious things that I didn't thought I can buy. Time passes by and I met a guy that stole my heart. We became in relationship and after a couple of months he asked me to marry him. I thought my life will be as smooth as I think until we came on thier house to see his parents and found out that his father was one of my clients on my college days. Small world right?

I have no choice but to leave the man that I love. I leave him for no reason and he cursed me for doing that. I choose to leave him rather than tell him the truth even if in the back of my mind maybe he will still accept me but I know accepting me would not be the solution for everything as in the mind of his father I am a wore. A girl who sell her body for money and I cant justify it for my reason that I want to finish my degree.

I was so heart broken that time to the point that I forgot the new world that surrounds me and on the second time I wasted my life again and back to the old me. I ruin my life again and never thought of anything because of being pained.

I hated the world. I hated the idea that I am miserable and lose my hope that I will be happy again. I thought things would go according to what I want but I am wrong. Even if I tried to be happy as I can there's a piece of my past that pull me not feel it.

I am still worthless after all my achievements. I am still not happy with the things I have. I am not in peace because of what happened.

Authors note: I don't know why I end up to this kind of story. This is just a fiction one and to be honest this is not the story I am planning to write but its just came up my mind right away as I am writing the first paragraph. It's like a free writing from the thoughts on my head that I really don't know where came from.I worte it few days ago and save it as draft.