Missing your presence.

It's been 24 days since my grandmother left us but it feels like it wasn't true. I still thinking that any time on the day she will comes to the house just to check for us. Almost every morning she do that , sometimes she's the one who will wake us up because she went early in the house. Sometimes she will sit on the chair in our kitchen and tell me stories or some gossips happening in our baranggay while me was cooking and preparing for the packed lunch of my husband. I am crying while typing this maybe because I miss her and we never had a chance to say goodbye to her because she was positive on Covid 19.

I am washing the dishes earlier in the afternoon and I am thinking of her , it feels like I heard her voice. When she was alive she always in the house to look for some empty bottles because she was a plantlola. A grandmother who loves and collecting plants. She also get some of the vegetables in our backyard and all of our excess food here and it's okay for us. She was living in thier house alone and even if I told her that just get some food here she still wants to cook for her food.

I missed her because I can tell her stories and also reach on her. My son and I always go to thier house when she was alive just to make some conversation to her.

She was the one who take good care of us when my siblings and I are still kids because our parents were living in Manila. She was the one who cooked for us and budgeting the money that our parents gave her. We are not that close like the other grandmother and grandchild relationship because I am pasaway when I was a teenager and she doesn't like that. I remember the time that I make fight with her and explain my side because she was spreading a wrong information with our neighborhood.

We live thier house when I entered college because I lived on my Aunt house but still they monitor us because the house of my Aunt is infront of thier house. I can't blame her that time if she is not proud of me as I am not a type of grandchild that worth to be proud on.

Years passed and the curse was transferred to my little cousins and niece. They are now the center of the attraction of my grandmother's eye. I remember a way back 2017 when we had our reunion , my Aunt told us that our grandmother needs more understanding and we need to understand her and don't make a fight because she can no longer live in this world. From that time I follow my Aunt's advice and didn't mind if my grandmother spread rumors about me or my family.

When I became a mother , I got close to her because I stayed here on the province and because I don't have any person to visit here because of toxic environment I always go to her with my son. Everytime that she need a person who will be with her I volunteer. If she wants to go on birthdays or other occasion , I am with her because her other grandchildren was not available and my the family of Aunt who is her neighborhood is not closed to her and they are not in good terms.

Like my other Aunt said , I lucky because I am the one who was with my grandmother side unlike them who is far away here. I am lucky that I saw her on the day before she admit in the hospital and she can talk and smile. She even hug and kiss my son and my niece when we visited her.

I just thought of her now. I thought I wouldn't miss her because I did. My hear was in pain especially now that I need a person who can talk to. A person that can listen to my problems and can feels me that I am not alone. Since my mother leave the house , no one visited and remember to asked us hows our situation here. Even our neighborhood and my relatives that why I feel so alone during those times that my husband and my sister is in thier work.

We have also lot of bottled waters in the backyard because no one will get it anymore. I always remember her when I see those bottled waters and sometimes I even talk to her but I am not expecting for an answer huh. Just want to talk to her like before. I know she's listening to me and I know she never leave us. Maybe her physical body leave but she is always in our hearts and always remembering her.