Isn't weird that I didn't know myself well?

Who is the real Mommy Yen? Even myself I didn't know myself well. Isn't weird that I didn't know myself well? This is the problem with me. I am a person who has no concrete idea about herself. All I know is that I am here breathing especially now that I am like a prison in the four corners of the house. I have no time of bringing the best in me and showing who I really are.

My attitude depends on the people around me. It's not faking personality , for me I called it adjustment. I experienced different environment and I also experienced to get along with it. I admire those people who has strong conviction with regard on thier insight or opinions. Just like in the movie , I am just always a support and I am afraid of doing it by myself. I admire those brave people who fight for thier dreams and choose to be happy. I want to be like that but it's just until now I'm still here at my comfort zone.

But despite of that, ofcourse Im still a person who has fear and source of happiness. I can share to you some of it in this article.

I hate it when.....

I heard people complains about everything but didn't put an effort to make thier lives better. I hate it when they always blame the government for thier poverty where infact they are the ones who are responsible for making thier lives more convenient.

They already know the answer but they still asked you.

I heard a scream or a cry from a kid. I really hate violence even if it's just a movie or roleplay I hate to witnessed those kind of scenario. Even on animals , I hate it when people treated them as a toy or non living things.

I don't like someone who....

Always throw negative thoughts. People who always a say with everything and then commented on it after.

Is selfish and didn't think of others.

Recognized themselves as the best and degrading other people just to them the best.

I'm afraid....

That my family will end up broken. I'm afraid time will come that we need to leave this house and my father will be the only one live there. I am afraid that my parents get old without a support from us that why as much as I can we stayed here but I know it's just a short period of time because years from now will be be living on my in-laws house on which my husband inherit because he was the youngest child.

That I die and didn't witness my son to grow up. I am afraid that he will grew up without me if that's happening. I know most of the mother has a fear of death. They called it thanatophobia.

I feel happy when...

I saw my son growing up a better kids. I feel happy when I saw him learning new things and develop new skills. I feel happy when he kiss me and hug me and I feel happy when he calls me Mama.

I eat my cravings hehe. That's one of the things that makes me happy. I am so fascinated with the taste of different food and I am so satisfied and happy when I learned a new recipe and then do my own version of it.

I see the nature's beauty. I don't know if it's just me but theres something in the nature that gives me happiness. A happiness thats unexplainable. When I see a blue sky or an ocean I feel peace. When I see birds flying I feel the freedom. When I see trees and leaves I thought of life. When I see sunset it reminds me of hope and beginnings. Goodbye can be a beginning also.

I saw people politeness and respectful. When people say thank you to a vendor or a passenger say thank you to the one who give the fare. I am happy when people show help to each other and appreciate each other.

My biggest regret is....

I didn't finished my BSBiology course in PUP Sta. Mesa. For me that the biggest regret I ever made in my life. That's my dream course and I gave up on it just because of lack of self confidence and fear of things that I still didn't experience. I wasted all my effort just to passed the entrance exam and enrollment. Until now I still have a regret especially when my relatives talk about of having a degree. I feel so small when they compared me to my other cousins who are now proffesional. I have lot of what ifs in my mind but still choose to be positive because I know there's a reason behind everything. If I continue my study in PUP maybe I didn't met people that served as a big part of my life. Those people who I trust and loved when I was in Manila. Maybe I didn't entertain my husband now and we don't have our son who is the greatest gift that I even recieved.

Each of us has an own version of expressing how we really are. Some of us are still undenial and some embrace it with open arms.

As of now all I know is that I need to be a good example for my son and be a good wife to my husband. Sometimes our true self will come naturally especially when we are alone.