I take what comes and feel blessed of what I have

Whenever I get a nickname like 'princess', I cringe, I become wary.

I have (almost) stopped refusing hugs although not completely, sometimes the urge to oppose hands is still strong, I can't avoid it, they are all still 'enemies' in my eyes. I have transformed over the years, I have lost confidence, I no longer dream

I live in the day, watching the days quickly alternate, become weeks, months, years. In the meantime I take what comes, without too many questions. I don't expect great things even now, that I could make medium range plans I don't, I'm not used to it I'm always afraid of failing

The last 8 years have been really bad, they passed quickly, but the intensity of the events and everything that followed, created a deep crater inside. I never talk about myself to those around me, I can't, I sound more like a clown, I laugh, I downplay

When you are used to being strong alone, silence becomes your only element, your comfort zone, a space accessible only to you and no one else

Life's revolutions always come when you hit a dead end, when you stubbornly insist on saying 'everything is fine' even when inside you know exactly that it's a lie. I lied to myself so many times until the moment I couldn't do it anymore and everything collapsed.

I should have known that certain happiness was not planned in my life and I ended up sinning with too much hope, picking up the pieces of everything else

Loneliness isn't so bad after all, one must first lose oneself to understand the meaning of one's existence and it doesn't necessarily have to be two people. I have only learned that there are two impossible ones, that they can never be two, they must remain one until the end. I wanted so much for this to come true, I wanted to be a happy wife and mother and I found myself alone, begging for attention and love

I had failed

Lost time can't be made up and so you start over, doing what you can with what's left. You let your dreams pass you by, you dim your desires, you stop thinking about tomorrow, you balance yourself with nothing and make up a new show

Sometimes a thought crosses my mind, that maybe I'm living a life of transition, that the best will come in the next one and that the cycle will end with a 'happily ever after', but this life is not a fairy tale and sometimes I'd like to go into the woods and tell the wolf to stay hidden and never be found by humans: we are filthy beings capable of any infamy, passing it off as love.

[2018©Yelena b.]

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