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Yea this might be a bit of a "Raw" post....Call it a freewrite without a timer, just writing what's on my heart based on the writing prompt from @JonicaBradley . I had exactly the same 'question' that she had, and I've spent the last 8 hours prior to reading her article.....trying to answer it.
Questions can strike fear and anxiety into me in a heartbeat. When I say "Why do I lie?", I should say....Why do I say whatever someone wants to make them align with me, like me more, increase my stature or view in their eyes. Sounds silly doesn't it? Why do I do that? That is the 'question' that comes to my mind.
Why do I meet a stranger, introduce myself, and before I say my name think for a split second "What name do you think they would prefer over 'Daniel'??!?!?" My mind races, I think rapidly through names that may or may not align with what I think they might like.....Brian? Luke? Scott? Peter?......Why do I do that?
Why do I make excuses, or 'redirect' (alternative to lying) the conversation when I feel uncomfortable or that my 'value' may go down if it proceeds in the current direction? Am I just trying to take the path of least resistance? Am I running away from responsibility or problems? What do I gain from not being me?......Why do I do that?
Why do I process and store information that I think may be beneficial at a later date? Your favorite color is purple?!??! OMG so is mine!!!! You lean this side politically?!!??!? OMG me too, I can't stand those other guys!!! Your Birthday is today?!??! OMG.....my birthday is today too!!! (Ok that's a little extreme, never done that before) Am I being manipulative? Sometimes. Am I being sincere? Sometimes. I've only had a select few tell me: "I see right through you". Do I try to do more damage control, fishing for what needs to be said to change that opinion or do I become completely forthright from that moment on? Why do I do that?
Why do I take a second or two to formulate a response, and then blurt out something else completely different out of nowhere? Did I pick up something from your body language while I was thinking? Did your tone of voice seem different, were you talking slower or faster? Maybe something you said jogged a memory or experience from a similar conversation I had with someone else? How did that interaction turn out for me? I know how to answer the question, but these 'social cues' and my insecurity blurt out something different.....something you want to hear....Why do I do that?
Why do I think I need to be a chameleon, or a mirror, or able to fit the mold of whatever the situation requires? Is it really Daniel, or is it someone else? I can be.....whatever you need me to be....at any moment in time. Why do I do that?
I relate to these 'characters' we see on movie and TV. People like Saul Goodman from "Better Call Saul", Loki from the M.C.U., Jordan Belfort (actual person....wolf of wall street), or Don Draper in "Mad Men". These characters exude confidence, unwavering faith, charisma, ambition, poise, and an unconditional belief in themselves and their ability. On the other hand....They are also cunning, deceitful, manipulative, dishonest, selfish, insecure, and arrogant. They will do whatever it takes, no matter what it takes, to further themselves and their agenda.....Why am I like that?
I know I love people, and I want to see everyone succeed, no matter what. I want others to see how valuable and important they are, even if they don't see it in themselves. I want to inspire, encourage, empower, and uplift everyone I come in contact with. I want the people I meet to see inside themselves, the limitless potential that I see in them. I want to be an 'agape' unconditional love type of man that would gladly lay down his life for another. I want to make others proud of me and my accomplishments, but not at the expense or hurting or manipulating someone else. I want to become the greatest man I am capable of being, and I know deep down inside.....that is what everyone else REALLY wants me to become too.