I'm sorry for doing this. It's embarrassing for me, to a point where I want to curl up into a hole and never be seen again.
Why do I do this? People, friends, family ask me this all the time. I drink to quiet my mind. I drink to forget any and all problems I have. I can deal with those tomorrow right? (Bad attitude)
I need someone in my life, pretty much always. I put my faith and hope in others who eventually let me down, or don't provide me the intensity I give them. I do my best to be the best man I can be, but it seems like my 'best' is never enough.
I'm sure past partners, past friends, past acquaintances would tell me I'm 'enough', but that doesn't matter to me. I need a person who can handle my loneliness, who can understand my mind, who can calm me down.
I drink so my mind can just go numb. my mind works a mile a minute, and I can hardly stand it. When you say something, I'm already thinking about the responses you'll give me bases on what I say. I work things out like x, y, and z, and I want to do better about it.
I love the way alcohol just wipes my mind. It makes me numb, it makes me forget about my past mistakes, it makes me feel invincible. I drink so I can be the 'man' anyone needs me to be. I drink because it allows me a safe space to clear my mind and just be 'Daniel'
I hate the way alcohol effects me though. Is it a truth serum, or is it an outlet for poor 'Dan' behavior? I love the way I get when I'm drinking, and I don't think I do anything wrong (now at least).
I would never bring anyone else down. If someone told me "Daniel.....you drinking makes me want to drink." I'd be done. I would be done in a heartbeat. I feel guilty for bringing others down with my behavior , and I hope I'll receive forgiveness at some point in time.
I've always been 'the man' when I'm drinking with others. "What do you want", "let me get the next round", "you're good, just have one more".
Those are awful behaviors and I'm sorry
I apologize to anyone reading this who is struggling.....Let me tell you something, so am I. I'm doing my best to avoid alcohol, and I'm sorry for glorifying. Some of my best memories came from alcohol, but so did some of my worst.
If you need some encouragement, or want someone to talk to.....get a hold of me!